M*A*S*H

Hey, Radar. Don't you know another song?

He doesn't even know that one.

Radar, you could be arrested for felonious fingering.

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel.

Since there are no casualties again today,

tonight's midnight movie will be seen at 9:00 this morning.

Also, midnight will be cancelled.

Ah, good morning, Colonel Blake.

Improving the outer man, I see.

Excuse me, Father. You're blocking the sun.

Hmm? Oh. Oh. Well, let there be light.

‐I don't believe it. ‐BURNS: Little to the left.

That's it. Ah!

Steady as she goes.

Frank? What's going on here?

Everything all right at home, Frank?

Can't talk now.

That ketchup bottle wants to be just a hair to starboard.

Ah! All right.

Let me handle this. I did a year at Bellevue.

What are you doing, Frank?

Well, if you'll kneel at the end of the tent

and get the tabletop at eye level,

you will see that each bottle of ketchup

lines up behind the others

as if there's only one bottle of ketchup.

Now, the same is true of your condiments,

which, if you will note,

are arranged according to height and popularity.

There's your ketchup, your mustard, your relish,

your mayonnaise, your oil and vinegar, your salt and pepper

and your sweet and sour gherkins all in a row.

I think we should do something with Frank's head and mail it back to him.

In a jar.

Perfecto!

‐(knocking) ‐KLINGER: Father Mulcahy, are you in?

And open for business.

Ah, Klinger. Very smart outfit.

You busy, Father?

Just washing my feet.

Parenthetically,

did you know that it was the custom on Holy Thursday

for the pope to wash a poor man's feet?

‐So? ‐Well, there's not much chance

of His Holiness showing up here,

so I thought I'd do my own.

But seriously, Klinger, what can I do for you?

Well, Father, it's so quiet around here,

what do they need me for?

I'd like to get your opinion of this letter.

"Dear General Mitchell, Here's one more picture of myself

"to prove I am mentally unbalanced and deservant of a psychological discharge.

You will notice that the dress I am wearing"

‐Oh, dear. ‐"Is an exact copy

"of the one Rita Hayworth wore in 'Gilda.'

"At least it's close. I only saw the picture once

"and I was sewing from memory.

"I'm a desperate man, General,

"and unless you give me the discharge,

"I will send the picture to your wife

"and tell her you've been seeing me on the side.

Yours truly, Corporal Klinger, MASH, 4077th."

‐What do you think, Father? ‐Klinger,

the Lord moves in mysterious ways,

but you take the cake.

Hey, get me outta this!

Is anybody there?

Anybody where, Frank?

Get me out of here, you animals!

‐Out of where, Frank? ‐(pounding continues)

I'm boxed in!

We all feel that way at times, Frank.

You guys will pay for this!

Take it easy, Frank. The pilot says we'll be in Chicago in an hour.

Hey, guys, let's, uh, settle down, huh?

Folks, I'd really like to get started.

I'd really like to get‐‐ Uh, Radar?

Quiet!

‐Thank you. ‐You're welcome.

Well, being as how we've got so much spare time on our hands lately,

I thought I'd deliver the required commanding officer's

monthly, uh, orientation lecture this morning,

rather than wait for another time,

which while we have it, why not use it, huh?

So, uh, if you guys are ready,

why, we'll start with today's subject.

Which is what, Henry?

I'm going to answer questions later, Mclntyre.

can you give us the subject first, just in case

we can't tell what it is from your talk?

Could you quiet up?

No, seriously, guys, this is a, uh,

not an easy lecture to give,

and I'd appreciate the, uh, fullest of your total attention on this.

Uh, Radar?

Yes, sir.

‐(laughter) ‐There we go.

I think I'll check on my candle shipment.

Okay, let's simmer down. Radar, do you want to...

Yes, sir.

Well, here are our old friends...

Figure "A" and Figure "B."

Man, woman. Mom, dad. Boy, girl.

Maggie and Jiggs.

Now, uh, whether a person be an "A" or a "B,"

he or she is blessed with a...

‐(laughter) ‐I mean...

Okay, after all, I, uh, I guess I don't have to

tell you what you Figure B's are blessed with.

The human body, you know, can‐‐

whether she be "A" or he be "B"‐‐

can find itself with a certain kind of, um, medical trouble.

What kind of trouble is that, Henry?

Uh, I'll come to that later.

I may not be awake then.

Now, guys, uh, some of you are going, uh,

back home to your wives.

Some of you are going back to your sweethearts.

And some, for all I know, are going back to both.

I've heard this guy. He's great.

Irregardless of what you've got waiting, I mean, uh,

you owe it to that waitee to return home

with a clean mind and a clean body.

‐(laughter) ‐Because, like I like to say,

"Clean is as clean does and clean does as clean thinks."

Henry!

Figure "A"just fell asleep.

Mclntyre, we can do without the levity.

Will you stop "levitting"?

Well, uh, excuse me.

"Difficult, you ask?"

Of course.

Well, I can understand that question

having just asked it myself.

I think it is difficult, men.

Uh, um, I mean, really. You're, uh...

It's Saturday night. You got a 24‐hour pass.

‐You're 20,000 miles from home. ‐You can't make it. I tried.

You walk into a bar, and it's full of "B" girls.

Shh!

Now, you guys know what I'm talking about, men.

Resist. You know what I mean? Use your heads.

Use your common sense. Come on now.

Quit giggling, guys.

‐I'm gonna level with you. ‐(laughter)

Shh!

You've got to fight temptation.

I mean, now look. Okay.

Whatever you do, don't run the risk of catching today's subject.

Are there any questions at all?

‐Radar? ‐Uh, sir, I just have one question.

‐What is it? ‐Uh, do you suppose that someday

you could give us a talk on V. D.?

‐Hey! Bravo! ‐Hey! Bravo!

Excuse me.

You want that card?

Uh, no.

Packages for you, sirs.

From the Peerless Costume Company, Philadelphia?

‐Hey! ‐(laughs)

‐That's it! ‐They got here!

‐Yeah! ‐Terrific!

Hey, this will liven the joint up. Thanks, Klinger.

‐Yes, sir. ‐Hey, I like it.

‐I just made it. ‐I don't know how you do it on your salary.

‐Hey. ‐Ain't that beautiful?

Frank, you've got to do it sometime.

Why can't you face your hernia?

I don't want to be operated on.

Now is the perfect time.

The O. R.'s quiet, and they're not busy.

Before I'd let them operate, I'd wear an iron truss.

Fair is fair. They're excellent surgeons.

Oh, they're all flash.

I mean, so they save their patients.

Neither one of them owns his own car.

Frank, they can relieve your pain.

Fat lot those two Bulgarians care about my pain.

Did I tell you about the boxing?

They didn't hit you, Frank.

No, they crated me in my sleep.

No, you never told me.

I don't tell you half their stunts.

‐Did I mentioned the oatmeal in my gas mask? ‐Yes, you did.

How about when they stapled a whole roll of my toilet paper?

Frank, they're beneath contempt.

They're not fit to shine your clusters.

And you're asking me to put myself into their hands?

Yes. It's true they're incorrigible.

They're also two of the very best surgeons I've ever seen.

Oh? Really?

Well, where do you stand on yours truly?

‐Oh, Frank. ‐No, let's have it out.

As professionals. Nurse to doctor.

How do I rate with you as a surgeon?

Oh, Frank, don't you have enough pain?

Let's see. You're holding tens.

‐Take a card! Pick a card! ‐Don't rush me!

What was the knock card?

Frank, it's for your own good. You need this operation.