Mo Amer: The Vagabond

Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo!

Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Texas' own...

Mo Amer!

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

What's up, Austin? Have a seat.

Austin, Texas.

Man!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Wow!

Well, can I...

All right, well... All right, guys.

Jesus, good to see everybody, man.

Austin, man, it's beautiful. Home state of Texas...

It's a good time.

Yes, I am Mo, guys.

You know, Mo is actually short for Mohammed.

Surprise, bitches! Today is the day!

Your cell phones are locked up. It's too late for you, motherfuckers!

Get the door, Aziz! No, I'm just kidding.

Okay.

I get all kinds of different reactions.

I was in Little Rock, Arkansas.

Everything is goin' great.

I say I'm an Arab-American.

The whole room gets quiet, and one guy in the back goes...

"Hell, no!"

There was one black couple that actually got up and left.

Like, "We seen this shit before. Come on, baby," and they just took off.

It was frustrating.

Mohammed is the most popular name in the world,

but I can't find one key chain with my name on it anywhere.

Not one person has shared a Coca-Cola with me in America,

not a single fucking person.

I'll be honest, though. I didn't even know how popular the name was

until I watched the Egyptian soccer team.

They were showing a play-by-play

and the commentator comes on and he's like, "Mohammed has the ball.

Mohammed pass the ball to Mohammed.

Mohammed to Ahmed. Ahmed to Hamed.

Aaah! Hamed to Mohammed. Mohammed to Mohammed.

Mohammed to Mohammed.

Mohammed! Mohammed! Mohammed!

Gooooalll!"

"This weed is too strong, Jeffrey.

I think there's just one guy on the team passin' the ball to himself, bro.

I'm freaking out, man!"

Man!

It's a weird time to be Mohammed, you know?

It's a weird time.

It's also weirder with Trump in office

and the thing that happened with me and Eric Trump, my God,

we went viral all over the place

and all that happened was I got upgraded to first class.

I end up sitting next to Eric Trump and then shit went super-viral!

I didn't know I was gonna get upgraded to first class,

much less sittin' next to Eric Trump, but I do know one thing.

The lady that upgraded me is probably a Clinton supporter.

Let's be real.

I'm just sayin'. She was probably sittin' there like,

"Eric Trump is on my flight?

Okay. Okay.-"

I don't know why she has a mustache. "Okay.

"There's an empty seat next to Eric? Okay.

Let me take a look at this upgrade list, see who's standing by patiently here.

Mohammed Mustafa Amer!

Upgrade this motherfucker immediately!"

That's probably what happened.

I'm not 100% sure, but I'm, like, 99% sure

'cause I've never been greeted with such enthusiasm

prior to boarding an aircraft.

With the name Mohammed, flying out of New York, it's just never happened.

I show up, I scan my boarding pass.

She's like, "Guess who's been upgraded?

Boom, byeow, byeow, byeow, byeow!"

I was like, "Shit, you have an air horn? I didn't know."

I was so dumb, though.

I was like, "Yeah, it's all these years and dedication to this airline.

I'm finally gettin' the respect that I deserve."

I'm just walking in there like, "Yeah, Million Mile Club, bitch!"

You know, like...

It wasn't the case.

I turned the corner, I was like, "Holy shit!

Is that Eric Trump?"

I was like, "Nah." I didn't believe it, so I put up my bag,

took a second look and I saw his name on his sweater.

So...

no further investigation necessary.

I mean, that's what you do with the slow kid in your family

when you go to a theme park...

so when they get lost, they know how to identify themselves.

I just...

I just sat down next to him and I was like, "Salaam alaikum, Eric!

How's it goin', man?"

He was like, "Everything's cool?"

I was like, "I'm just messin' with you, man.

Listen, my name's Mohammed. I'm a Muslim, I'm Arab

and a comedian, so I had to mess with you a little bit

and I also came here as a refugee.

Too late, bitch! I made it!"

You know, it was nice.

Then I shifted gears on him. He didn't see it comin'.

I was like, "Hey, you tell your dad to build all the damn walls he wants."

He was like, "What?"

I was like, "That's right. Tell your dad to build all the walls he wants.

My family flew in, you know what I mean? There is no problem.

One $9 Spirit Airlines flight and I'll be back in business."

It's just weird. I was actually born in Kuwait, right?

I left Kuwait after the first Gulf War. I was nine years old.

I went to a nice private British English school in Kuwait.

I wore a little vest and a bow tie to school.

I was an adorable Arab kid with a hint of a British accent.

I was like, "'Ello, Mum. Yeah, going to school I am, Mummy.

Yeah, all right, yeah."

Then I ended up in Houston, Texas. Very proud... I'm a very proud Houstonian.

Super-proud Houstonian from Alief.

I'm for real.

But hold on, hold on. When I got there, they put me in ESL class...

which is English as a second language class,

and I was the only guy that spoke English in this fuckin' class.

And my family sends me to school with a vest and a bow tie,

thinking, "That's how you go to school."

No, that's how you get your ass whooped at school in America.

I walk in, all the kids are looking at me like, "Hola.

Amigo...

I was like...

"Sorry?

What language are you speaking?"

All of a sudden, this other dude just comes up out of nowhere.

He's like, "You're weird, dude.

Golly, man!

Why do you talk like that?"

And that was my teacher. You know, it was fucked up.

My family did no research.

Not one person thought of, like,

"Hey, what neighborhood should we move into in Houston?

Let's just fucking go to a bunch of gang violence.

That'll make sense."

It was very tough. I didn't know what to do.

I was caught in the middle of this gang battle.

There was a lot of Mexican gangs, a lot of black gangs,

and they were fighting each other.

And the Mexican gangs wanted to recruit me 'cause they thought I was Mexican.

And there was a lot of black gangs. They wanted...

They wanted to beat me up 'cause they thought I was Mexican.

Really tough high school years.

I'm, like, walkin' to school, and I see these Latino gangs hangin' out,

and, obviously, this guy has seen me before

and he'd just had it.

He just approaches me.

He was like, "Say, vato!

You walk by here every day. You don't say nothin', don't do nothin'.

What?

You ashamed of your own peoples, bro?

You ashamed of your own people? This is your familia, bro!

Your la raza, bro! You ashamed of your own peoples, bro?

Andale, bro. You going to get broke today, bro.

What's your name, bro?

Andale, what's your name?"

I was like, "Man, my name is Mohammed." He's like, "What?

For real, bro? You look exactly like Hector!

I swear to God, bro."

He was like, "Hector, Hector, come check it out, dude! Check it out, bro!

We found your doppelganger. Te lo juro, bro! Te lo juro!"

And the fucked-up part is Hector came out.

I was like, "Holy shit, I do look like Hector!"

Started high-fivin' and shit.

I was like, "Yeah, we all look alike! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

And then I saw some guns stickin' out.

I was like, "Shit, I need to get the hell out of this situation."

And I did and I had a decent day.

I really did. And then, I'm going home and I see the black gangs hangin' out

and I was like, "Please. Please, not today.

I'm not emotionally prepared to deal with this today.

Please, just not today!"

And, of course, they smelled that fear from a mile away.

For real! And this guy comes up to me, he was like, "Say, Jose!

You in the wrong motherfuckin' neighborhood, Jose.

You done fucked up today, Jose!

Where your crew at, Jose?"

I'm lookin' around for Jose. I'm like, "Who the hell is Jose?"

I was like, "Come on, man. My name is Mohammed."

He goes, "Man! Salaam alaikum, brother, shit, my bad!" You know?

I ended up selling all the gang members fake Rolexes. I'm not gonna lie.

I was that Arab connect, that's what I was.

It was really rough, man. I had some rough times.

That's why you've gotta think of, like, backup plans and exit strategies.

It's important. I learned from being a refugee,

you've gotta have plan B and C and D.

That's why I learned Spanish.

Just in case some shit breaks out, I can camouflage at any moment in time.

It's gettin' rough, man. They start hunting Arabs and Muslims,

I don't know what'll happen. They'll be like, chh-chh!

"Hey, boy! Hey, boy, you one of them A-rabs?

You one of them Muslims?" I'd be like, "No, vato, come on..."

"Sí.

Yo regreso a mi país, Mexico!"

And just get the fuck out of there.

Jump over that unfinished fence, you know what I mean?

I've thought about it. I'll just start selling falafel tacos, and...