black-ish

My only love sprung from my only hate,

too early seen unknown and known too late.

Prodigious birth of love it is to me,

that I must love a loathed enemy.

Ha! That's my baby girl!

- Okay, babe, babe. - Hmm?

No yelling.

- We're not at a movie. - Oh, come on, baby.

We all know how the story ends... they die.

Both: They die?!

Yep. Both of them.

Dre: What is it about the law of attraction?

Why do we fall for who we fall for?

And why do we often pick someone so wrong for us?

It must have been so much easier in prehistoric times.

Back then, you met, fell in love...

Hunted and gathered,

and then got eaten by a woolly mammoth.

But what happens when there's no mammoth to take you out?

When you both live?

Some people are lucky and find a way

to keep that fire alive for decades,

while others burn so bright, they explode.

Look at Britney and K-Fed, Sid and Nancy, Ruby and Earl.

Never heard of Ruby and Earl?

They're the fiery couple

who made my childhood miserable... my parents.

When these two loved each other, they loved each other.

But when they didn't, whoo!

Burn!

Burn, baby, burn!

Which is why I do everything I can

to make sure they're never in the same room together.

Ugh. What the hell is she doing here?

What's he doing here?

Come on.

At least Romeo and Juliet had the decency to off themselves.

Black-ish - 01x11 Law of Attraction

You trying to make us pass out from all that cologne?

Mnh-mnh.

Just you. Breathe deep.

Shush!

Art thou not Romeo and a montague?

I see you're still wearing those ridiculous hats.

I see you're still wearing them 30 pounds.

Glass houses, fat man.

Hey! Be quiet! Please!

Tell him that.

I'm just trying to watch the play.

Don't get invested.

Everyone dies.

Yeah, and not soon enough.

And that's how it went through the play and through dinner.

Nobody made you come to dinner.

I'm not gonna miss a family dinner

just because watching you eat is offensive.

It's nice being together like this.

Why do you always take his side?

'Cause no one ever sides with the witch.

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Bad witch... very bad witch.

Dre: Keep your distance, kids.

Oh, excu... excuse me.

Excuse me, babe.

Hey, man.

What?

What?!

Are we really doing this?

Hell, yeah, we really doing this.

Man, whatever.

Oh, I know it's whatever.

What's wrong with you, boy?

You better show some respect.

Who you calling "boy," old man?

The thing about us old men is we got nothing to lose.

What you willing to lose today, son?

Go on and get your car, lady.

Thank you.

Mm. Very impressive.

Not bad for an old man.

I see you found that smile I used to like.

Well, lucky for you, I brought it.

My car.

Earl, is it okay if I ride with you?

What?! No!

I'd like that.

Oh!

I can't believe my moms is riding home with pops.

Hmm?

Oh, oh. God, yeah, that's bad.

It brings me back to my childhood.

They were always splitting up and getting back together.

I would get my hopes up,

and then I'd be crushed all over again.

I don't want our kids around that.

It always came to a head just like it did at my eighth birthday.

My new bike was in that car.

What?

For sure.

How stupid is it that my mother only got interested in pops

when he went all caveman on that dude?

I know.

That tough-guy stuff is so stupid.

Totally. I mean, you weren't stupid.

You weren't stupid at all.

No, I was not. Nope.

That guy was kind of tall.

Real big.

Probably an ex-NFL player.

Yeah. Maybe.

What position do you think he played?

I don't know.

What position do regular-sized guys play?

I was catching a vibe

that maybe Bow was disappointed in her man.

And to be honest, I wasn't that happy with him, either.

You should have been like, "man, we next in line!

What you trying to do?"

And he would have been like, "man, my bad, my bad."

And I would have been like, "you want some of this?"

You want some of this?!" Waah!

What you got? What you got?

Huh?! What'd you say to my wife, huh?!

Tap out! Tap out!

Go to sleep.

That's it. Go to sleep.

And stay down.

Then I could have been like, "hyah!"

And then I should have been like, "hyah!"

Did you get the e-mail? Best news ever.

Bryce Porter's grandmother died,

Jordan Greenwald has mono,

and Cayden Morrison ate some bad pork.

- So? - So, they're out of Romeos.

That means the part goes to the under-under-understudy

slash assistant stage manager.

So, for next weekend, your main maing is Romeo!

No. But I'm Juliet, your sister.

I know!

We're such a talented family,

like the Gyllenhaals or the Osmonds.

Or the Bushes!

That's disgusting.

We are not playing star-crossed lovers.

It's not like we're actually kissing.

But I might actually kill myself.

I'm gonna go try on my tights.

Ugh, God.

- Look at this. - What?

I told you.

It's bad.

Ruby, would you pass me a fork, please?

Oh, yes.

What? She just passed him a fork, Dre.

And he didn't flinch.

She once put a fork in his neck.

They're being polite.

I mean, you have no idea that anything's going on between them.

Bow, you look so beautiful.

Look at your hair, all bouncing and behaving.

Thank you, Ruby.

Oh, yeah. He's tapping that ass.

I told you that wasn't a coyote I heard last night.

Okay, so, you wouldn't believe

what happened at Valet last night.

So, my parents were a mess,

and I decided I'd get some points of view

from some of the most damaged and imbalanced people I knew.

So, this morning, she gives him eggs!

Did you say eggs or A.I.D.S.?

I...

You know what? It doesn't matter.

The point is...

You're getting a divorce.

Absolutely.

Yeah, that's a given.

- Ah, your first divorce. - Yeah.

Cherish this.

Give her the house. Visit Thailand.

What are you talking about?

Thailand... it's got no rules.

It was made for these times.

It's why the Lord God put it there.

No, I'm asking you, why am I getting a divorce?

Oh, because you got punked out like a little bitch

in front of your wife and then your daddy had to save you.

And then you came in here and distracted us

with this cockamamie story

about your parents' loving relationship and A.I.D.S.

- - Look here, man.

The Valet thing was no big deal, all right?

I played it cool.

No, Dre, you played it wrong.

Women like their men strong.

We're drawn to that male essence.

Take me, for example.

Women used to hate me.

"Used to"?

They could smell my weakness.

Why are you talking in the past tense?