You, Me and Him

You know that moment when you finally understand life?

You just get it?

Well, this was my moment.

I got it. Everything and everyone in my life fit into a neat, little box.

Here are the individualist hipster clones...

and the better-than-you bankers.

See?

I knew exactly what was what, who was who and most importantly who I am.

Aw, the yummy mummies.

Look, we all do it.

We give ourselves labels to feel we belong.

Silly, really. Because waking up to yourself is about letting go

of who you imagine yourself to be.

Of course, I had yet to learn that.

Yep. No. I'm up. I'm gonna take on the world.

Oh!

Fuck!

Look smart, everyone! She's almost here.

-Could I get that deposition, Charles? -Yes, yes.

Could I get a smile too for Sophie's last day?

Terrifying as usual. Thank you.

Surprise!

You do not do that to someone! Oh!

I'll be sad to leave the firm.

Glad to see the back of you lot, of course.

Yay!

Yes, Olivia, thank you for the surprise. I can tell you were the one behind it.

And now for another surprise...

I'm gonna be a mum. That's right. I'm having a baby.

Thank you.

Yay!

Shoo! Go on. Shoo! Go on! Fuck off! Go get the mouse that's...

not this one.

That was rather embarrassing, wasn't it?

-Excruciating stuff. -Yes.

Thank you. Much better adjective.

-It is possible, you know. -Yeah! Sure, yes. I mean...

that was always the plan. Um...

but then you wake up after yet another pointless relationship

and you realize...

the only thing you ever truly wanted, you left up to fate.

And now it's too late.

-No chance with the current? -She's barely 12.

Unfortunately, I am completely obsessed with her.

-Finally happy. -You don't look very happy.

So...

who's the man then?

No man.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle and all that.

-Yes, but who's like a man? -We are, quite literally, two women.

Yes, but top or bottom sort of thing. I mean, how does it fit together?

Charles, please. Stop doing that.

-What do you call this piece? -Dot.

-Do you know what it represents? -What?

-Fuck all! -Don't say that.

I literally spent all day, creating a full stop.

But this what being a struggling artist is all about.

Yeah, but when do you stop saying "struggling"

-and just realize that you are not one. -Never.

If I'm all right with it, you can be too, you know.

Alex, that's not who you are.

How was your day?

Lovely, thank you.

Um... I did get us a new pet.

Her name's Maureen.

There are ways to address procrastination, as we discussed.

Are there?

Are there?

-I know... -You do?

I need to get up and face the world.

Actually, um...

I was going to ask you to marry me.

-Have you got a ring? -Yes! No, I don't. It...

-More of an "in theory" situation. -You just proposed to me in theory?

I mean, do you think we should? Because, then we'll be as close as...

you know, family and we could...

All those lovely tax benefits.

-You've not proposed before, have you? -Is it too soon?

It is too soon. Yep. It probably...

Ignore me. I've had a lot of coffee.

And now you're literally taking your proposal back?

Got me divorce papers through, this morning.

-John! -Most people just say good morning, John!

As long as she gives me my signed football back, I'm happy.

Oh, I'm sure she will.

-So, you're a single man, now? -Yeah!

Gosh! You can party, date and...

- ...travel the world. - Grow my hair a bit.

- And that. - Have a divorce party.

Oh, that's classy.

- Thank you! - Goodbye, John!

What you doin'?

Are you two doing stuff?

Look at him. Mr. Family Man.

If we were still kids, I'd go over there and give him a wedgie.

Those trousers are doing the job for you.

-Do you ever think about that? -You brother's ass. Daily, yeah.

I wish I had the courage to be different,

to stand alone and accept that I have feelings for men.

-I just can't deal with the stigma. -Just 'cause, lately I've been--

I've just been thinking, I don't know, what a great mum you'd make.

So that's what it was about.

-What? -The anti-proposal.

-No. -That's why you had no ring.

Look, were we-- You know, I don't-- We haven't broached that, have we?

-The kid thing? Have we covered that? -Uh, yeah. Date two.

You asked me, and I said maybe, but like, not for years.

Okay.

Well, you didn't shut it down.

-Did you? -That was ten months ago.

Get ready, people!

You've seen my bank balance, huh? I don't know if I'm ready. If I'm ever...

-gonna be ready. -Yeah. Yes.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Are those tears?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Um...

I'm sorry. I know you're not ready.

But Alex, I'm almost 40.

The shop is closing.

I know that's not terribly Gloria Steinem of me but it's true.

This is a thing, isn't it?

I should have been more honest.

How long have you wanted this?

Only since I was five.

You should have been more honest.

I just didn't want to lose you.

You have me.

This is it. I'm done.

I want us to be a family.

I need time...

-time to think. -Sure. Oh, absolutely, yeah. Cool.

No pressure.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

So, you dumped her?

No, Alf. She asked for a baby. Not a kidney.

That would be way less hassle.

-I said I'd think about it. -Who would have it?

You?

You'll never have sex again. Pregnancy fucks with your vagina, man.

She wants to do it. There's no way I'm shitting out a kid.

-How many of these we've had? -Like...

three... each.

-The guy said just have a half. -It'll be mellow. It's always mellow.

What is happening?

It just won't stop.

We're all gonna die.

- Hey! You made it. - Of course, we did.

We needed the alcohol.

Well, I'm just glad you didn't feel intimidated.

Happy divorce.

Thank you very much, Olivia. I'm heartbroken, you know?

- Hang on in there. - Thank you, Alex.

Just BTW, I can see right through that top.

Oh, oh! Mojitos are up!

Come on!

Babe.

-I'm still not talking to you, okay? -I'm sorry.

Those brownies were stronger than expected and to be fair...

that ride cannot be safe for kids.

-Alex, this is not the way to behave. -I know.

I just got bored of not getting anything done

-and wanted to have some fun, I am trying. -Well, just hurry up!

-Hurry up! -Yes!

Girls? Really?

Isn't this something about MTV in the 90's?

I think those two will fancy you whatever.

Alex, I need you to be the person that you plan to be sooner.

Why?

Becau-- because you're going to be a mother.

I've started already...

the insemination program.

Surprise.

Yay.

How could you do this?

Huh?

You promised me time to think.

I just thought I'd give it a shot and see.

- This is our life. - Alex, I couldn't wait.

Not any longer.

This was never about me.

You'll be a great mother--

Stop telling me what I'm fucking great at.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I'm going to go back to our house and give us both time to cool off.

I don't wanna see you.

-Fine. I'll go to my parents. -Fine.

Fuck!

-Ah-ha! Where's Olivia? -Huh! I've been left behind.

You okay?

"I make so many beginnings, there will never be an end."

-I'm not quite following. -Mm.

Little Women . You should read it, John.

In the meantime...

do you fancy forgetting who the fuck we are for a bit?

-Oh! Most definitely. -Fantastic!

- Green juice, darling? - No, thanks, Mummy.

-Nice to have our princess home. -Just the damn best.

Wish you had an argument with your flatmate every week.