M*A*S*H

MAN (on P. A.): Attention. Attention, all personnel.

Colonel Lillian Rayburn, Eighth Army head nurse,

will arrive at 1800 today.

This is a full‐scale inspection, gals,

so grab your hose and powder your nose.

Hey, that's not what I wrote! Come on!

Just say them like I give them to you.

Powder your nose and grab your hose?

That's pretty funny, Radar.

Uh‐huh. Thanks a lot.

Afternoon, Corporal. Where do we find your C. O.?

He's in his office,

but I don't think he wants to be disturbed.

Corporal, would you tell him

that Colonel Lillian Rayburn is here?

Colonel Rayburn?

It's only noon‐‐ I mean 1200 hours.

You're not supposed to be you for 600 hours yet.

Well, take it from me. I'm me.

Oh, gee, I'm always the last to know.

Look, I printed this stuff up.

I got ink all over my clothes,

my hands, my glasses, and everything.

Things get rough up here, do they?

Oh, you don't know the half of it.

Do you know that a guy came in yes‐‐

Excuse me, ma'am.

The colonel's office is right this way.

If you follow me, I'll get you there from here.

A toast to us.

To us.

Colonel Potter, Colonel Lillian Rayburn.

‐Good gravy! ‐To say the least.

I hope I haven't interrupted something.

It's okay. We were just having our livers removed.

Well, I'll chip in mine. Who am I drinking with?

Colonel Sherman Potter, Captain Hawkeye Pierce‐‐

At the bottle.

‐Captain B. J. Hunnicutt. ‐At the ready.

What does the B. J. stand for?

Anything you want.

I'll get back to you.

General Rivert sends his best.

No kidding. Bill Rivert? You know Bill Rivert?

I haven't heard that name in years.

How is old yellow teeth?

Dark brown by now.

That guy could spit tobacco juice 20 yards.

That's how he used to picked volunteers.

What does B. J. stand for?

‐I remember he had a son‐‐ ‐Anything you want.

‐Don? ‐Dan.

You can tell me. I'm your friend.

Bill ever get him into West Point?

‐Is it some family secret? ‐He tried.

How old's the boy now?

You're getting very mysterious on me.

‐What? ‐What's the problem?

Wait a minute, guys.

See those big, wooden things with hinges on over there?

Shut them on your way out.

Nice meeting you, Colonel.

If you're ever by the Swamp, fall in.

If I find out his name, I'll introduce you.

Why can't you tell me? I'm your best friend.

What is it, some kind of a secret or something?

Colonel Potter, I know what a pain in the butt

visiting brass can be,

but this is my first tour of Korea,

and I'd like to see it all.

I admire your salt. You just follow me around.

I'll show you the whole enchilada.

I've assigned you to the V. I. P. tent, ma'am.

Well, thank you, Corporal.

It's right next to the latrine.

That can come in handy in the middle of the night.

The lady's been around, Radar.

Oh, right. Shall I show the colonel

to the colonel's tent, Colonel?

I'll do it. You can start by taking her gear over.

Oh, yes, sir.

There's a welcome basket in your tent‐‐

some canned fruit and fly paper.

Well, ready for the nickel tour?

After you.

Uh, mighty nice shoes,

but from here on, you better wear boots.

We get a lot of livestock through here.

‐Colonel. ‐Ah, yes. Colonel Rayburn,

this is Major Margaret Houlihan, our chief surgical nurse.

Colonel, on behalf of the entire nursing staff,

which I command and which I am delighted to be in charge of,

how pleased we are to welcome you to the 4077th.

Well, thank you, Major.

Thank you, ma'am.

With the colonel's permission,

I've scheduled a general inspection

at 2100 hours,

and then a meeting with the senior nursing staff.

‐And then tomorrow‐‐ ‐Whoa, Major.

That's a lot of pomp for these circumstances.

With all due respect, sir,

Colonel Rayburn is here to inspect my nurses.

Well, I thought I'd do that while they work.

It saves all that saluting.

Of course. That was my alternate selection.

Choppers, Colonels. Loaded.

Okay, let's start where we earn our keep.

Should I cancel the close order drill, Major?

Shut up.

You really know your way around a kidney, Sherman.

Well, I've taken this route many a time.

Ahh.

Retractor.

Retractor.

Keep moving, Fowler.

Everything runs like clockwork

around here, Colonel.

‐Nurse, wind me up. ‐CHARLES: Sponge.

Sponge there.

Kellye, keep this aisle clear.

Your Major Houlihan is a real hot patootie.

She's a spanking good nurse,

but your being here has given her the fidgets.

Margaret, would you move that machine

back where I had it?

Colonel Rayburn, I'm sure you'll agree

that my nurses stack up against anybody's.

Anybody but me.

Father, would you move that machine over here?

‐Why, certainly. ‐I've got it, Father.

Always a bridesmaid.

Are you trying to make me look bad

in front of Colonel Rayburn?

Keep going. You don't need my help.

So how long have you been in this racket, Lil?

22 years.

Ah, you're just a baby.

‐You I like. ‐(laughing)

That must be some awful name you're hiding

if you won't even tell your best friend.

Huh. You're such a nudge.

It's "noodge."

There, I told you something.

Now you tell me something.

No use. I won't "boodge."

You're embarrassed, right?

Yeah, that's it. All right. I know, I know.

Look, I'll tell you an embarrassing story about myself,

and that'll put you at ease, won't it?

Okay, when I was 14,

my father caught me smoking in bed.

Boy, was he angry.

Turned red as a beet.

Come to think of it, so did the girl I was with.

Ha ha.

Pretty hot stuff, huh?

All right, what does B. J. stand for, huh?

Who cares?

Pierce, must we endure

these endless stories of your dismal puberty?

Oh, sure, Charles, make me look bad in front of Colonel Rayburn.

Can we concentrate on surgery, please?

Is it always like this?

Don't mind them.

They love to show off in front of company.

Okay, okay. You want to hear a really embarrassing story?

This is a biggie.

Sucked my thumb till I was 26.

Stop it. Will you stop it already?

I gave it up for bed‐wetting.

Hunnicutt, B. J., Captain, U. S. Army.

Okay, okay, okay. What if I guess it?

Fine.

Oh, goodie, goodie, okay. Uh, B. J.

Uh, Belvedere Jehosaphat.

Got it first try.

Don't lie to me.

I'd call you names if you had any.

Attention. Prepare for inspection by Colonel‐‐

‐Radar. ‐Sorry. Excuse me.

‐You're blocking the way. ‐I'm sorry, ma'am.

Ah, Colonel, I see you've stumbled

into our enchanted little post‐op.

Sorry you couldn't make it in the spring

when the fractures are in bloom.

How many wounded would you say get through here in a week?

It's difficult to think of this place

in terms of days and weeks.

Simple for me. One week equals one shift.

In other words, big business.

‐Too big. ‐Yeah.

Was your mother Spanish?

No, why?

That eliminates Benito Juarez.

After we're done here, I'll show you the pharmacy.

Uh, Colonel, I could do that

if you want to get back to your desk

and get done the work you should have got done, sir.

Message received, son. No reply.