2 Broke Girls

Max, did you pick up the tip from table two?

No, but I'm pretty sure I picked up a staph infection.

So they literally gave me their two cents worth.

This is so embarrassing,

even Abe Lincoln won't make eye contact.

Girls, I need you to do something for me.

You know the rule: nothing for you,

on you, near you, or in us.

I'm going to restroom. Keep eye on the kitchen.

I have a four-minute egg and a five-minute date

with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

Hey, do you see what I see?

A fire?

No, a way out of this job.

Lord Jesus, there's a fire.

You two gonna do anything about that?

'Cause I'm not.

I don't mess with fire or Presbyterians.

Fire, fire!

I smell fire!

Well, don't just stand there. Do something!

We are.

S'mores!

You'd think you want this place to burn to the ground.

You'd think that.

Caroline, do something.

I'm on it. Chocolate?

Han, not too close.

You know you can never get the smell of Korean barbecue

out of your clothes.

Either he put the fire out,

or that little robot just had an orgasm.

Welcome to The High dessert bar.

I'm the hostess slash quasi-manager.

First day in, got a huge promosh.

I hate to brag,

but the word “dazzling” was used.

Yeah, by you.

Little to no power has really gone to your head.

It has.

She's like the Putin of pastry.

But doesn't it feel good

to not just be working at the diner?

I haven't slipped on one used baby diaper all day.

Speaking of babies,

look, there's Han.

That's, like, the third time

I caught him spying on us.

Why would he stalk two of his worst employees?

I know.

It's like " Where's Waldo? "

when you don't want to find Waldo.

Not seeing a hostess up in here.

She meant quasi-manager.

If Marty Scorsese walks in here,

do you want him to seat himself?

He'll be lost. Lost.

Sorry, Joe, I was just over there giving Max...

Honey, I'll download an audiobook

if I want to hear a story.

I want you to meet someone.

Me too, and I'm sure I will when the time is right

and I'm open to it.

Kind of focusing on me right now.

Stop.

Learn to read faces.

I'm not talking about you.

I'm talking about him.

Hello, pleasure to meet you.

I'm Nashit.

Nashit's an Indian name,

and isn't that an Irish accent I detect?

Or have I just lost consciousness

from how white your teeth are?

Yes, it is.

My father's Indian. My mother's Irish.

He's Irish. He's Indian.

He's East meets West.

He's everything

in a hot Irish coffee, boy band package.

I found him on the street

next to a dirty chair.

Hi, I'm Caroline, the hostess slash quasi-manager

at The High.

Are you high?

'Cause that was a lot of talking.

Who is this, and where can I get one?

This is Nashit, our new waiter.

Oh, it's lovely to meet you.

Can you say “magically delicious”?

I really want Nashit to work out.

I like it when good-looking people succeed.

Well, I guess that's good news for me.

Is it?

Hi, honey.

Have you met the new waiter?

I love him. He's my favorite.

If I did men, he would've been done by now.

Hmm, so you think you're pretty.

Well, I do too.

Okay, Nashit, pay attention.

These are the tables. This is the dessert bar.

And these are my boobs.

Max, be professional.

These are my boobs, sir.

Please, I have to make him a waiter.

Fine, you make him a waiter,

and I'll just make him later.

Here you go. This isn't yours, is it?

No, because they already have dessert.

Damn it.

You asked for water, like, an hour ago, didn't you?

I'm so sorry.

Oh, don't you worry those lips.

And what's an hour when we have our whole lives ahead of us?

Max, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I stink as a waiter.

This is desperate.

Well, desperate times call for us making out.

Hey, I have a question for you.

Your skin is so creamy and white.

You must have a little Irish in you.

I've had a lot of little Irishes in me.

That's meant to be dirty, right?

Well, I just mean that I think you're quite beautiful.

Oh, well, then I just mean we're doing it.

I did not think there was somebody

who had a prettier nose or was worse than me

waiting tables, but here we are.

Nashit, there's not a fork in the mix out there.

Now, get out there and fork those women.

Take it easy on him.

I don't want him to be all forked out

by the time he gets to me.

I'm gonna have so much sex on my bed with Nashit

that I'm gonna need a new sheet.

Aren't you too old for him?

Yeah, but that test said mentally I'm 14,

so we can totally do it.

Well, I'm off to Chinatown to have someone

put needles in me.

Oh, my God. I love your coat.

You look gorgeous.

I mean, the way it flows.

Okay, so I can see you're a kiss-ass,

so here's the thing.

As my quasi-manager,

or whatever nonsense you're telling people,

I need you to tell Max and Nashit to cool it.

There are no hookups here at The High.

Done, and we can stop staying “quas”"

if we're both on board with the manager thing.

We're not.

The High is about fine pastry,

not someone's sordid love life.

And in an ironic twist, I need you to kick

my girlfriend's hot ass out of here

if she comes in.

Here's $100.

That's $100.

Consider her hot ass out the door.

We're in a fight.

She got drunk, stole my Black Card,

and bought 90 people soup at Barney Greengrass,

and the soup isn't even good there.

Do not take this as a no, because I want the money,

but why can't you just tell her yourself?

I can't tell her myself.

She's younger than me, and everyone knows

the mommy thing just isn't sexy.

Make sure she eats something and gets home safe.

Caroline, I have a question for you.

What do I do with the notes the women give me?

You've gotten notes?

Just a few.

How could women be this desperate?

Max, this one's from you.

They're mostly all from me,

except the business card.

I don't need no damn card

to let him know I'm all business.

Max, Joe just told me there are no hookups at The High,

and judging from this very detailed picture you drew,

that's exactly what you're planning.

Oh, I was planning more. I just ran out of paper.

We can't lose these jobs.

I have two $100 bills, and I'm this close

to pulling the trigger on an Amazon Prime account.

Amazon Prime?

You have been driven mad with power.

Fresh, flakey pastry.

And speaking of flakes,

there's Joe's flakey girlfriend.

Can someone help me get my chair off my coat?

How did she get in here?

Probably floated in on a cloud of Valium.

It's go time, as in she's got to go.

You have a better chance moving an actual train wreck,

but good luck.

- Allie, hi, you... - Shh.