Rules of Engagement

The key to a proper cup of tea

is warming the kettle with a splash of boiling water.

"Cold kettles make tasteless tea,"

Grandmother always said.

My word, I'm even boring myself.

No, it's sweet.

Listen, with all that's going on in my life,

it's nice to have someoe looking out for me.

Yes, Katie. I heard about your recent break.

So sorry.

Well, it's my fault for dating a musician.

I don't know why, but I always fall for a guy with a guitar.

Mmm. Maybe instead of a guitarist,

you should think about someone

who sings in an a cappella group.

Yeah, yeah. 'Cause a cappella groups are so hot.

Yes. I certainly meant t as an outrageous statement.

Here we are.

Thank you, Timmy.

You're a good friend.

Mmm. A friend.

What a wonderful foundation on which to build...

And she's gone.

Look like you're about to cry, chief.

Are those palefaces littering again?

Well done, sir. If I had known you

eight years ago, we could have attended

that reference's 30th birthday together.

Cranky. Who pee-peed in your tepee?

If you must know, I'm upset about Katie.

Oh, that sweet little tg in Accounting?

You bash that out yet?

Huh? You give her the old Bollywood?

No, and since she's leag the company on Friday,

there shall be no bashing, I'm afraid.

Or any giving of the aforementioned wood.

Look, I'll help you with this chick,

but you gotta do what I say.

It can't be like those other times

when you refused my wise advice.

Yes. I missed a golden opportunity

by not claiming to be the inventor of 7-Eleven.

Say what you will, I'm a closer.

Well, I will grant you

a more-than-passing resemblance to Kyra Sedgwick.

Mmm. Emmy winner? One degree of Kevin Bacon? I'll take it.

You can save your advice, sir.

I'm not her type. She likes musicians.

Mmm. Did you tell her you're an accomplished skin flautist?

I did not mention that.

All right. I think it's time for a grand gesture.

Something big.

I want you to get up at her farewell party,

and serenade her on the guitar.

I don't play guitar.

I'll teach you.

You don't play guitar.

I know one song,

which is enough to get a chick who digs musicians.

Sir, and what happens when they get to know y,

and realize it's all been a scam?

"Oh, no, the chick I just banged found out I lied!

"I lose!"

Come on, Tim, let me help you here.

Well, I'll never be able to live with myself

if I don't at least try.

So, fine. I accept your help.

Good. If I get a guy some ass, he gets it for a day.

But if I teach him to get it for himself,

he's tapping forever.

Hi. Why are you so happy?

You know how you're always telling me

to stop messing with Tiy for my own amusement?

Yeah. I went a different way.

And in business, the stock markets...

Hey, babe, can you turn that off for a sec?

I want to talk about something.

Am I in trouble?

No, I just wanna talk.

Sounds like I'm in trouble.

So, I had lunch today with Carol from work...

Ugh.

And she was telling me about this thing

that she and her husband do every night before they go to sleep.

Every night, huh?

Well, those big gals have to try harder.

No, not that.

Before they go to sleep, Carol and her husband

say five things they lie about each other.

Mmm.

Please tell me we're not having dinner with these people.

Jeff, lately I have been feeling a little unappreciated.

How so?

Well, for my last birth, you gave me the NFL package.

And when the throat docr told you I couldn't talk for a week,

you sent him a thank you note.

You always said that that's good manners.

Yeah, when someone gives you a gift.

Well...

Jeff, I need my five things.

Fine. One, two.

It can't be physical.

All right, I also happen to love...

Or sexual.

Aud, you're killing me.

I know this kind of thig is not easy for you, so you take your time.

I'm gonna go get a glass of water.

You just sit here and relax.

And, babe, please try not to think of this as a bad thing, okay?

Okay.

This is a very bad thing.

Hey. Hey.

Well...

I finally outsmarted that pigeon I've been feuding with.

That's terrific.

Oh, my God. This is Jeff and Audreys financial statement.

Wow, I guess the mailman screwed it up. I'll run it over to the.

No, you can't. They'll think we looked at it,

and that'll make things weird. Just throw it out.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's definitely the right thing to do.

Oh, man. They're rich.

I can't believe Jeff charged me an extra 20 cents

when I wanted to put pickles on my burger.

Adam, don't look at tha. That's really personal..

Whoa, that's a lot.

And that's just mutual funds.

Yes.

And who's this Ira guy? He's crushing it.

I cannot believe they have that much money.

Is it weird that Jeff just got sexier to me?

That's not weird at all.

Maybe I'll get some pie to go.

Should I get apple or blueberry?

Get them both. You can certainly afford it.

I'll just get a fudgesicle at home.

Ugh, home.

Audrey wants me to come up

with five things I like about her.

Mmm, that's easy. She's got her two...

Can't be sexual.

I'm out.

What's with the guitar, Neil not-Young?

I'm gonna teach Timmy a song so he can embarrass himself

in front of the entire company.

You're a hell of a boss.

Firm but fair.

Who can just rattle off five things he likes about his wife?

Well, Jen's my best fri, she smiles when she sees me,

she's kind to animals...

Doesn't count. You're not married.

Once that ring's on your finger,

those things become nais on a chalkboard.

Can you get this?

Aw, look, Jeff, I only have, like, $2, .

Well, we're not gonna stay here and do dishes, Lucy.

Give them your credit card.

Sir, is this an A,

or an A-minor?

I don't know. Just put your fingers where I told you to put the.

Ah, a glimpse into your dating life.

Look, I... I just want to make sure I'm moving my wrist properly.

Well, come on. If you don't learn this song,

you're gonna be moving your wrist a-plenty.

I'm sorry, sir. I'm just not sure I'm going

to have enough time to perfect this.

That's the beauty of th, it doesn't have to be perfe.

You just gotta get your 'tude going.

'Tude?

Yeah, 'tude. Stand up.

All right.

Let's try to figure out what your vibe is, exac.

Uh... Vibe. All right.

Give me a little, uh, Elvis sneer.

You know Elvis, right?

Huh! Huh!

That's him. All right.

You know, and maybe a little Mick Jagger.

Little strut.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Aw, that's good.

That is good.

And maybe that Pete Townshend windmill.

Wow! Yeah.

Wow! Oh, my God.

That is... That's fantastic.

Really, really, um... You think Katie will like it?

Who?

Katie.

Katie! Oh, the Katie... That's the...

Why we're doing this, for Katie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's gonna love it. Now...

Let's try them, all three together. Crank it out.

Wow! Wow!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Good stuff.

Oh, hey, Aud. Hey, can I borrow some soy sauce?

I was about to make some Ramen noodles.

Uh, I'm sorry. Ramen noodles are an inexpensive meal