Life in Pieces

_

Parenting is easy.

Oh, God, no!

Hey, there's our favorite

almost eight or nine-year-old granddaughter.

- We got married. - What?

Clementine knows my entire romantic history.

You have no romantic history.

Then, she knows that.

I can't believe this is our house.

Babe, that fridge saw me naked more times than you did.

I know she did.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

- Come on, bring it in, buddy. - Oh.

Don't tell me the universe doesn't want us together.

Colleen?

_

This is our wedding night.

And now our lives are ruined.

Because of your motel balcony,

we haven't even been able to consummate our marriage.

Mm-mm. I mean, we do some stuff.

- Yeah, but not the stuff. - Mm-mm.

Although the stuff we have been doing has been really nice.

I really appreciate the effort you've put in.

It's been really great.

Excuse me, yeah.

That's just the universal sign for "Stop talking."

This may not be the amount you were hoping for,

but this is the best the motel can offer.

$2 million?

$2 million.

$2 million.

Oh, my God.

Hey...

$2 million?

That's not our official response.

We're gonna mull it over and we'll get back to you.

- No, no, we're not. - No, no, no!

- No! - No, no, we want it.

Give it to me, give it to me, give it to me.

Well, I guess by now

you've all heard about our-our settlement.

So, it's pretty obvious that,

well, things couldn't be going any better for Colleen and me.

Uh, Matt, could you turn me around?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Hi, guys.

Been a long road to get here.

But, uh, through it all, you,

my family,

you, uh, even in my darkest hour,

you always believed in me because you knew that one day

I would make it.

"Make it"?

Your wife fell off a balcony.

Exactly. My wife.

You don't think that my wife could fall off a balcony?

Just admit it, Greg.

You've always thought that you were better than me.

I never thought that.

I did.

But now I think that Matt's the best.

- Wow. - So weird.

Uh, now, e-even though I am the millionaire,

Colleen and I have decided that we're not gonna

- let this money change us. - No.

Are you ready?

It's a cash grab.

Oh! Cash grab!

Oh! Oh, this is it.

This is everything that you've ever lent me

over the years, swirling around in a giant vortex of money.

It looks like only ones.

I mean, this is really showy, Jen.

Besides, like, I don't have money?

Look, I got plenty of money.

You see all this?

I got all of this money right... no, that's mine!

Mine!

That's...

There isn't a booth big enough for all the money

that you've lent me.

Thank you, Dad.

Here's what I think of you paying me back.

It was a gamble,

you pushing Colleen off that balcony,

but it paid off.

You're a bigger man than I'll ever be.

I want to get out!

Let me out, please!

Oh, oh, no!

No, no, it's swallowing me!

Oh, no!

Well, I hope you all had fun today.

But Matt and I feel like what's the point

of having all this money

if there's nowhere to spend it.

So, we are taking you all to Las Vegas!

Pack your bags!

Vegas, bitches! Yeah!

Babe, everyone is so proud of you.

You're a winner now.

We both are.

I'll feel more like it

when you don't have to lift me off the toilet.

Hey, guys.

Just want you to really hold onto this happiness

for as long as you can, which, in this case, is not very long.

You see, the motel just filed for bankruptcy.

What does that mean?

Well, it means that you get nothing.

Not-Nothing? They can do that?

Yeah, sadly, they can.

I'm so sorry.

But this is fun.

So, the good news is, um, we're going to Vegas.

The, uh, bad news is that

we won't be able to cover the rooms, the shows,

or the food.

And also, it's Barstow, not Vegas.

But the bus is totally on us

as long as you give us the cash back.

And also, don't open any more champagne.

Oh.

I brought this from home.

_

Paci! Paci! Paci!

Where are you? Where are you? Where are you?

- Paci! Paci! - Just a second, Lark!

Come on, come on, come on.

Where is it? Where is it?

Please, please, please.

Where is it?

- Hey! I'm in here. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry, sorry, quit messing around, honey.

- Come on, help me. - Paci!

Paci! I need it.

Somebody hand me it.

Yeah, okay, okay, okay, here, here, here.

Please, please, just suck on one of these.

- Any, please. - Unless one of those

is the stinky-ass yellow one with the chewed up handle,

you're just wasting our time.

Uh, yeah, well, look.

Oh, see this.

I'm chewing on the handle.

Right here, okay. Now, here. Try it.

Okay, I've run out of ideas.

I know. The car.

- I'm checking the car. - Yeah, great.

Check between the... oh, whoa, no, no, no, no.

Wait a minute. You are not getting away again.

Oh, please, honey. Just ten minutes.

- One beer, I'll be right home. - No.

No one is leaving here

until we find this paci.

Paci, I need it, Mommy.

I know, sweetie. I feel your pain.

I felt the same way when they pulled fen-phen

from the drugstore shelves.

- Found it! - What?

Where was it?

It was in the pantry...

along with something else I thought I lost.

- My ukulele. - Oh.

- You found that, too? - Yeah.

And you're still doing the authentic pronunciation.

Night, night.

Oh, God.

Honey, we have got to break her

of this habit now

or she's gonna wind up on a street corner

selling her body for pacifiers.

And honestly, I don't think she's got the ass for it.

Ah, you're right.

It's just we have to do this delicately, you know?

Yeah. This is totally one of those things that could,

like, scar a kid for life.

I know. Why don't we tell her

that she has to send her paci to the Paci Fairy?

That like the sweatpants fairy your mom made up

so you'd stop wearing sweatpants to school every day?

- Yeah. - That's so weird.

It's not weird if it works.

Hmm...

Oh, come on.

What, these are my lounge-abouts, right?

Chefs wear these.

- Mm-hmm. - O-Oh.

We could tell her that the Paci Fairy is a guy,

so that you don't have an issue with it being sexist.

No, my issue is not with his gender.

Although, why couldn't a fairy be a guy?

My issue is that

parents shouldn't lie to their kids.

Remember what happened with the Sinclairs?

They told that kid he could fly.

Oh, my gosh, I never sent flowers.

Don't worry, I took care of it.