Cheerful Weather for the Wedding

Here you go, miss.

Annie!

Millman!

I'll go.

Hold on, Miss Kitty.

- Hello, Evelyn. Come in. - Kitty, darling.

- Ready for the big day? - Can't wait!

- Well, good heavens, Mr Patten! - Hello, Millman.

Or is it Professor now? We weren't expecting you today, sir.

Well, Dolly asked me to come,

and you know how hard it is to say no to her.

We haven't seen you since you went off to Greece.

Or since Dolly went rushing off to Albania.

Yes, a lot has happened.

I have missed your custard.

- That'd be the drawing room! - Thank you, Mrs Whitstable.

- Is Dolly down yet? - Not yet, sir.

- Would you like me to tell her you've arrived? - Yes.

No, no.

- Annie! - Really, Kitty, my poor head can't bear it.

Don't you think you could go upstairs and talk to them?

Ooh! it's freezing. I'm more dead than alive.

You are like a dear, elegant little fly.

You must think me a kind of great, clumsy rhinoceros in this frock.

Don't be silly.

No naval officer will show any interest in a girl who looks like a giant cheesecake.

Nonsense. Everybody will be looking at the bride anyway.

Millman?

I wore my blue satin wedding shoes down to dinner last night,

and now the toes are all grey and dirty.

Dreadful of me, I know, and completely typical, I'm afraid.

You ought not to have done that, miss. We'll see what we can do with them.

I do know one or two little tricks.

Hello, Joseph.

It's Professor Joseph to you, boy.

What's that?

They are homemade, so the strength may vary.

One every two hours, preferably at mealtimes.

- Is it true Joseph's coming? - Dolly invited him. Lord knows if he'll come.

- I predict a drama if he does. - I do hope so.

Where is Doll?

Is the bride-to-be moving slowly this morning?

Like a snail.

- Here. - I don't want one.

You're not going to enjoy this afternoon without it. I can tell you.

I'm not going to enjoy this afternoon, full stop.

Tom, hello.

The women go crazy at weddings.

They become totally uncontrollable. Trust me, it's what they live for.

Just watch Aunt Hettie.

Good God, man, what on Earth are those socks?

- They are pure cat sick. - Leave me alone, Tom.

Robert, it is not at all fair

to hold the family's reputation to ransom by your vulgar choice of socks.

I only wish this family had a reputation worth protecting.

My toes are like icicles.

Trust me, Evie, this works like a charm.

Golly, Tom, it's a bit early for that.

This will put hairs on your chest.

Here goes nothing.

Ooh.

What'll it be like standing in that draughty church,

holding a sopping wet bunch of flowers?

One of these days you too will be married, and then you won't talk like that.

Not if l have anything to do with it.

Evie, in spite of all the things you say,

l think you'll make the most wonderful mother.

Some mothers eat their young.

1 2:30 already.

- Goodness! - Hello, Evelyn, dear. Don't you look pretty?

Mum, do you think l look too exceptionally stupid in this getup?

Hardly anyone here, and the wedding at 2:00.

Robert dear, can you reach the top of the tree for the angel?

You're just tall enough, l think.

Kitty, l thought you were going to wear your lovely glass brooch?

Annie! l need that brooch!

- Speak up. - Here's the Prof!

- Joseph. - Evie.

- Hello. - Hello, Joseph.

Dolly didn't mention you'd be coming to luncheon.

Then l must apologise on behalf of your daughter, Mrs Thatcham.

- She wrote personally... - It's quite all right.

It's Millman who'll be put out to the change in arrangements.

She's preparing a cold luncheon in the nursery just for the family.

What? lt's ready in the dining room, Mum!

Mum!

I thought Dolly would be down by now.

Dolly doesn't do anything unless she wants to,

no matter if half the county is kept waiting. You know that.

The tortoise unexpectedly put in an appearance this morning.

I'm surprised she hasn't given it away.

She would never do that.

Dolly may not have come down yet,

but you're the one who doesn't seem to be here.

You don't think something's wrong, do you?

What could possibly go wrong?

Mum!

- I don't understand. - Mum!

No, Kitty, I particularly said the nursery.

Never mind, Mrs Whitstable can clear up after church.

What? You haven't asked Mrs Whitstable?

Who is it this time?

Hello?

Dolly? It's me.

Are you coming down soon?

Well, I'm not ready yet.

Will you be finished soon?

I'm afraid I just don't know.

I really can't say.

Well, I'll be downstairs.

Come and meet my cousin, Miss Spoon. This is Horace Spigott.

Miss Spoon is no longer a governess. She's been in Africa on a mission.

How do you do?

He can't hear you, dear. You have to speak up.

What? - I said she's got to speak up!

I told you it would be like this.

- Don't start again. - You've hardly stopped.

There you two are.

- You said to go to the nursery. - Bob's up there now, l think.

Well, we're all in the drawing room now.

Has Jimmy come down? He's slipped off again.

So long as he's not setting fire to the summer house again,

I don't mind where he is.

Well, we've been here 1 0 minutes,

and already I want to strangle a member of your family.

I'm running right on schedule.

- Is it chaos downstairs, Millman? - No more than usual, miss.

- These shoes have come up a treat. - Good.

- Mr Patten was asking... - I know.

I've come to say goodbye.

Robert?

Just smile at Hettie once every half an hour. That's all l ask.

Are you suddenly so concerned about Hettie's feelings?

I'm fond of Hettie.

"Fond." The word we use for those we cannot love.

Hello.

Remind me?

That friend of Dolly's we met last summer.

Wasn't Dolly rather fond of him?

I need a drink.

You're fond enough of that.

You drive me to it.

Hello, Nancy. Would you like one of these?

Need a light, Prof?

Thank you.

- Nancy... - Yes, l'm afraid so.

- Why hasn't your sister come down yet? - I don't know. Nobody knows.

By the way, how do we tell the Bigham twins apart?

Tony has a limp, and Tiger has a moustache.

Tony, limp. Tiger, 'tache.

Kitty, go and get Uncle Bob.

- Robert. - Yes, Aunt Hettie.

Go and sit down like a couple of good boys.

- He's going for another! - The bowler!

Keep it tight, lads.

Don't borrow time, lads.

There was no other way of getting there,

so I actually walked the last bit through the fields in the dark. No torch.

It was like the blind leading the blind.

The whole time, l kept thinking some maniac has escaped from Broadmoor

and was gonna leap out of a hedgerow and strangle me.

- Or worse. - Dolly.

Obviously, that didn't happen.

Nothing ever does.

Joseph!

Dolly!

Dolly!

- Hello. - Hello.

Would you like me to bring you a drop of brandy, sir?

No thanks, Millman.

Do you know when Dolly's coming down?

She was a little bit unwell this morning.

Nice to have you back in Devon, sir.

- Well, now where's Bob? - Don't worry, Mum. He's just coming.

Patten. So you survived the Mediterranean?

Just about, sir.

That young man seems to be walking backwards instead of forwards.

I can't imagine how he ever gets anywhere.

He's a friend of Dolly's.

He was here all last summer. Drove Millman mad, l expect.

- Red or white, Horace? - Red, please.

- That came through loud and clear. - What?

Prof, what's the anthropologist's interpretation of the English marriage ritual?

Ignore him.

I'd call this a ceremony, not a ritual.

Pardon me, Mrs Thatcham, but isn't Canon Dakin going to say grace?

My. Bob?

- Amen. - Amen.

Yes, it's a ritual all right, complete with live sacrifice.

- Would that be Dolly or Owen? - It's whoever says l do.

Can someone remind me which Bigham twin is which?

Joseph says Tiger has a moustache.

I was told once that Tony has a tattoo. Although, it's never been located.

Kitty, it is up to you to find it for us.

Joseph, please don't be disgusting.

Where is the bride?

I do so want to see the dress.

You know Dolly. She likes to take her time.

She didn't take her time about marrying Owen Bigham.

Short engagements make for long marriages. Just look at Nancy and David.