About a Boy

Oh, man, this is beautiful!

Thank you very much.

Starting a soda company, are we?

Ah, Fiona, you know, when you use the word "we" like that,

it just makes me wanna... ah!

Ooh, what did you do?

Breakaway glass bottles.

I just got all my supplies for this epic Three Stooges marathon

they're airing on channel 905.

Shouldn't you really be cutting back

on your cable package

until your royalty checks come in again?

You don't understand, Fiona.

I am introducing Marcus

to the greatest comedy trio of all time.

No, I think you are forgetting the long-running British comedy series,

Last of the Summer Wine.

- Please... - They're in the pub, they...

Before you talk, ask yourself, "does anyone present

actually want to hear what I'm about to say?"

Great news, everybody.

Mrs. Holstein's osteoarthritis got so bad,

she couldn't keep teaching.

Darling, that's terrible.

I know, it's just that

they replaced her with the coolest teacher ever.

His name is Mr. Chris, and he makes English class so fun.

Last year, he canoed through Botswana

in a boat he carved from a cedar log.

He has a scar from where a warthog tried to gore him.

And he says I have the soul of a poet.

- Aw. - I mean, usually,

it's just my mom that compliments me on my soul.

Oh, I haven't even told you guys the best part.

We're putting on an evening of famous Shakespeare scenes...

And Mr. Chris cast me to play Romeo in the balcony scene!

- Hey, hey, lover boy. - Oh, that is so great.

Marcus and I have been reciting the balcony scene

from Romeo and Juliet since he was about four.

That's disgusting.

Oh, and, Will,

I told him you'd make the balcony set for my scene.

Oh, uh, you know, I'm a little swamped here.

Getting ready for a Stooge-Athon , dude.

But I already told everybody about the epic tree house

you built me.

It is pretty epic.

Pretty epic?

Look at that cherry red zigzag trim.

Nobody can build like you, Will.

Marcus, I know what you're doing, all right?

And flattery will get you everywhere.

- I'm on it. - Yes!

All right, well, let's hear a bit of your Shakespeare then.

All right.

Juliet you're looking hotter than the sun,

come on down from that balcony, let's have some fun.

Jules, you're my lady, my lovie, my boo.

I want you to know, I want to be with you.

Wicka-wicka! What?

And Mr. Chris taught you that, did he?

Yeah.

Oh, that is very satisfying, isn't it?

Yeah. It's my religion.

Here we go.

[Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid ]

About a Boy - 02x06 "About a Balcony"

Hello, uh, I'm Marcus's mother Fiona.

Just a minute.

And I really have an issue with the way

that you're teaching, or should I say, butchering William Shakespeare.

Yeah.

Wow. Pre-handshake insult. Impressive.

Um, hi.

I'm Chris.

Hello. Yeah, uh...

So, the... the words of William Shakespeare...

- Right. - Have endured for 400 years.

He's perhaps the greatest writer in history.

So, I'd quite like you to explain what gives you,

"Mr. Chris," the authority to rewrite

one of the greatest writers that's ever been.

Okay, first of all,

I love the guy as much as you do.

It's not like I'm saying I'm a better writer than our boy shakes.

Oh, but you think you should spread that love

by teaching impressionable young children

that his words are actually irrelevant?

No, it's just that I think that when it comes to shakes...

Will you just let Marcus do the original version

of Romeo and Juliet?

He already knows the scene

and we've been performing it together

since he was in diapers.

Look, I get it.

You're a single mom, it's just you and Marcus.

It's scary for you to let him try something

that's out of your comfort zone.

No, no, it's not scary, it's blasphemy.

And how do you know that I'm a single mother?

You regularly act out scenes

about star-crossed lovers with your son.

It's kind of a dead giveaway.

Look, I've really got to run.

I'm not gonna let Marcus do the original scene.

What? What? No, wait. W-w-w-what?

I'm happy to discuss it further if you'd like.

How about tomorrow night? Raphael's at 6:00?

Okay, okay, yes, yes, okay.

Great, I look forward to it.

Well, you shouldn't because I'm not finished,

and let me remind you,

"a fool thinks himself to be wise,

but a wise man knows himself to be a fool."

William Shakespeare.

"The empty vessel makes the loudest sound."

Willy Shakes.

I'm not empty.

- Fiona! - Oh, hi, Dakota.

- Hi. - How are you?

Good, really good.

- Yeah? - Amazing, actually.

I'm still doing my sex-free nomadic year.

And how's that working out for you?

So good.

I feel so in touch with the universe.

Like right now...

I notice the smell of the air,

the breeze on my legs.

It's almost like a man is caressing my calves,

slowly moving his strong hands up my...

Oh, God, there he is.

- What? - God, look at him.

He is so...

- Ugh, gorgeous. - Arrogant.

- What? - What are you talking about?

What? Come on, look at him.

I'd dip my chip in that man guac,

if you know what I mean.

I don't know what you mean.

I wonder what he smells like.

He smells like Eau De Pompous Moron.

He's making the kids do

"rap Shakespeare." Ridiculous.

I'm meeting him at Raphael's later on to tell him,

- you know, what I actually... - Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

- whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - What? What? What?

You're going on a date with the hottest teacher in school?

No, ah! It's a parent-teacher thing.

After school hours at a wine bar?

Just promise me you'll put on something sexy

under that oversized iroquois priestess cardigan

you always wear.

That way, when things take a romantic turn,

you can lose a layer and be date ready.

I know the garment that you're referring to.

It's a sacagawea inspired cowl neck...

Look at me. Just promise me.

Even if it was a date, which it isn't,

how would I know?

Okay, you ready?

If he orders alcohol: Date.

If he has lost the tie and gone open collar,

chest hair out: Date.

If he finds an excuse to touch you: Date.

- God, I miss dating. - Mmm.

And by dating, I mean sex.

So, in Hamlet,

Bernardo and Marcellus are terrified of a ghost.

I've never met a ghost. Have any of you?

But we've all been scared of something, right?

Well, this Russian dude named Stanislavski,

he said that when you're acting, it's important to draw

from your own experiences

so we can actually channel real emotion.

So, if I was playing Bernardo,

I would think of a time when I was terrified...

Like when I was climbing Kangchenjunga in Nepal,

and all of a sudden, an avalanche came out of nowhere!

- What did you do? - There was no time to think.

The earth was crumbling from under my feet!

I leaped over the fault line, grabbed onto a tree

as the earth fell away beneath me!

It's all right. You're safe here.

Thanks, Marcus.

Hey, maybe a little less watching Marcus,

a little more balcony building, please.

This guy is not so great, right?

I mean, he seems like a real try-hard.

- Trying way too hard. - Yeah, try harder.

I mean, sure, he's really invested in the lives

of all of his students and he's really well read,

he's well traveled.

If I had smaller ears,

I'd have that haircut in a second.

Will you just shut up, dude?

Go work on the back of the balcony.

- I'm just saying he's handsome. - Shut up.

So I want you guys to go and practice your scenes

and really try and channel some emotion from your real lives.