In Living Color

Hi. I'm Dr. Jack Kervorkian...

but a lot of you know me simply as, "Dr. Death."

As you know, I recently agreed to stop assisting patient suicides.

But now my years of experience can be yours in my new book...

Dr. Kervorkian's Book of Home Remedies.

You know, doctors have long known how to cure common ailments...

with simple items found around the house.

Foot pain got you down, son?

Then just soak that foot in a bathtub full of hot saltwater...

with a cup of vinegar and a tablespoon of castor oil.

- Then just add a string of Christmas lights. -

Sure, it's messy...

but you won't hear him complaining.

Doctor, I'm so depressed.

- I've got a splinter in my finger. - Well, then.

Try to find a good vein.

Then just use a ordinary hypodermic needle...

- with common household air. -

Inject a small bubble of air directly into the artery.

Uh, are you sure about this?

Positive. Works every time.

Dr. Kervorkian's Book of Home Remedies...

is full of thousands of these handy cures...

for such ailments as burns, scrapes...

scabies...

even headaches.

Just listen to one of my recent patients.

I suffer from terrible migraines.

Regular doctors couldn't do anything for me.

But then Dr. Kervorkian's book suggested...

many household items to alleviate my pain.

- First of... -

I found this 12-gauge just lying around the bedroom closet.

That's probably the first good rest she's had in days.

And you'll rest in peace too, when you order...

Dr. Kervorkian's Book of Home Remedies.

To order, call 1-600-DR. DEATH.

Please have your credit card ready.

We will not bill you later. Call now.

Most people today still fail to realize the immense contributions...

made by African-Americans to popular culture...

and the unique forms of entertainment they invented.

On this day, July 15, 1900...

Crispus Lawrence was hosting the annual Harlem Society Ball.

- Hello, Crispus? - Wassup?

Would you please help me finish hanging the banner?

- Anything for my lady. - Well, thank you.

- You look very nice. - Well, thank you. So, how the party, you know?

- How's it goin', you know? - It's a very nice gathering, Crispus.

- That's good. That's good. Yeah. -

- Oh, d-damn! Oh, damn! - Oh!

... Damn.! ...

Oh! Gina, oh... Motherfuck...

Oh!

This is hurtin' like a... ... man.

Oh! ... thumb is swole up bigger than...

Betsy Ross's...

- Ain't this a bitch? - Bitch?

Don't you call me bitch, you little...

Peanut head!

Your ears are so big, he can hear an ant... fart.

- - Ohh!

- Oh! Oh! Oh! - And at that moment...

Crispus invented the first Def ComedyJam...

and his companion became the Apollo lady.!

Wassup with your... hair, girl? Damn!

Your hair is so fake. It look like a... skunk crawled on your head and went to sleep.

Noo!

I'll bet there's some naked horses outside sayin' they got their tail missin'.

Ohhh! Ohh!

Look at this... Oh!

He's so dumb, he got a ticket to the... underground railroad.

And the first Def ComedyJam was born.

I'm David Alan Grier and this has been another great moment in black history.

In the darkness of the night, while America sleeps...

they're out there roaming the streets...

risking their lives, doing theirjob.

They're...

Now this is a tough neighborhood.

They got Neighborhood Watch all up in there.

Neighbors looking out for each other... it's bad, man.

Yeah, that's right. It is bad.

Most people... most guys in our profession, they would turn back now.

This would be a discouragement to 'em. But not us. Why?

Because were trained criminal professionals... professional criminals.

We don't get scared off by signals that would scare off other people.

We're here... Danger is part of our business. You understand what I'm sayin'?

- It's part of our business... danger. - Yeah.

Hey, man, we're thugs.

- Now check this out. - Yeah? What?

The newspapers.

Yeah, I see newspapers. So what? Big deal.

- There's three of'em.! - Yeah, One, two, three. What are they, slow readers?

No, they're not slow readers, stupid.

They're not home. That's what they is!

Oh, paper... Three papers.

See that? That's exactly what I'm talkin' about.

He sees three papers. He goes boom. He makes an analysis.

He makes a connection. He makes a...

His criminal mind goes to work in there. That's beautiful.

- That's what I love about this guy, huh? - Hey, man.

- Is that a face on him, huh? Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom. - Don't do that no more!

He's a little nervous. Hejust got out of thejoint. Write that papers thing down.

'Cause that is a good tip for our... you know, for our future.

- Wa-Wa-Wait. Come here, come here, come here. - What?

Look at it. Look at that sign. See that?

That's a very expensive security system. It's "inpregnatable,"okay?

You can't get past that.

I'm not robbin'no house where theyjust spent 10,000 bucks on a security system.

Man, that ain't shit, man. They didn't spend no $10,000 on no security system.

- They spend $10 on a security system sign! - Sign...

No, you get the sign with the system. See, they give you a sign and a system.

If they had installed the system, they'd had got the sign.

They got the sign to scare us off, man. Scare tactic.

- Oh, they just got the sign? They didn't get no system. - No.

- - Sh-Shhh!

Sorry. All right. I'm sorry. Hey, look, a bunny rabbit. See that?

- Hey. - "What's up, Doc?"

Come on!

Huh? Look at that. This is why we do what we do.

This is the kind of haul that makes everything worthwhile.

You get chased by dogs, you get chased by cops, but when you find something like this...

you feel like you know why you started in this business.

You understand what I'm saying? Look at that. Look at this watch.

Tell time in... Tell time in 24 time zones.

Hey, Al. Do you know what time it is in Nairobi?

No. Would you shut up and stop saying my name.

I didn't... Did I sayJackson? Did I say AIJackson?

- Hey.! Who's out there? -

What the hell's goin'on out there?

I know you're out here.

- I've got a gun! - See, that makes me sick.

That's what's wrong with our society. Too many guns in the hands of too many people...

who have no business having them.

The only way we can meet this kind of violence is with a violent act of our own.

- Right, Al? - That's right. Let's do it.

- Get him on three. - One, two, three.

- All right, I surrender. You got me. - Hold it!

- Hey! What are you doin'? - I'm not talking a bullet for a watch.

- Okay, Al? - What bullet? He doesn't even have a gun.

- He's got a... banana! - Well, I trusted him.

- He's a homeowner. Wh-What can I tell ya. - Would you come on?

You know, can I have a couple of these candies?

Will you get out of here?

AIJackson!

- Come on, man! Come on! - All right. All right.

- Freeze! Freeze! -

- Keep your hands where I can see 'em. - On the floor! On the floor!

This is what it's all about.

Catching a couple of thugs tryin' to make off with someone's belongings.

I can't believe it. Professional criminals like us, busted by the cops.

And not just any cops... The show Cops.!

We thought youse guys was canceled. Must have been Chevy Chase.

Hey-Hey-Hey, watch the leather, huh?

- Hey, watch the leather. I know my rights. - Yeah, yeah.

Man, the great thing about this job is we'll be out in no time!

Just in time for the next exciting episode of Thugs. Hey, hey, hey!

Hi!