The Hotwives of Las Vegas

Previously on The Hotwives of Las Vegas...

Life without Adonis has been hard,

but I had to kick him out.

My embryo jumped out of me, went into her.

I would (BLEEP) Vance.

You will never have my husband.

I am writing my book The Loneliest Fingertip.

Well, it's just words on a page.

Doesn't even really matter the order of the words.

What do you mean you're in love with my husband?

Oh, yeah, I have a kid and a wife.

Did I not mention that to Denise?

Ruh-roh.

Are y'all having sex in here?

Oh, no! I'm going into labor.

My baby!

What happens in Vegas can usually be cured by antibiotics.

Money is money, but class is something much classier.

Just because I'm beautiful and rich,

doesn't mean I can't say that a lot.

I am a phenomenon, literally. That's my name.

I went to a salon and said, "Give me the Reba."

I say I'm sorry a hundred times a day.

I am Satan's minion.

I am also great at Word and Excel.

There, there, baby.

When Leona called me from New York City

Casino

to tell me that Ace and First Lady were hooking up,

I was shocked.

And the news sent me into early labor.

Early labor that just turned out to be gas.

But I find breast-feeding this doll comforting.

But I would never breast-feed a real baby.

Makes your tits all saggy.

Oh! Coming.

Leona's here, honey.

- You come to Mama. - Oh, God!

- (SOBBING) - Oh!

First she tries to take my baby,

then she takes my man.

Oh!

God! I'm a wreck.

I know, I can tell, your place is a mess.

I'm glad it was me

who told Jenfer about Ace and First Lady,

even though it was so hard,

although it was probably harder for me than for her.

You know?

I mean no one ever thinks about the bearer of the bad news.

What about us?

Have you spoken to Ace?

People will want to know and I'd like to be able to tell them.

Oh, I've spoken to him, all right.

Ace came home begging for forgiveness

but I sent that son of a bitch packing.

Get the hell out of my house!

Please, not like this.

I just wanted to change my outfit.

Those jeans made me look pudgy.

I mean he had a point and I felt that I owed him that much.

You get out of my house!

Fine! I don't even care!

Me and my extremely slimming suit are out of here!

You're gonna regret this.

Damn it!

I have to stay strong.

Yes! Yes, honey.

Or, you could just fall apart

and give the people what they want.

No, I have to focus on what's important.

Your baby.

My book.

- Oh! - It's debuting.

I'm really excited

because I'm doing a reading of my children's book,

The Loneliest Fingertip, today at the Las Vegas Book Convention/Beach Party.

It's the biggest party of the year!

It takes place poolside,

because no one in Vegas enjoys reading,

but everyone enjoys getting wasted by a pool and pretending to read.

Ah! Babe, I am so proud of you for speaking out

for handicapped, misshapen people like yourself.

You know?

I'm going to be there today, cheering you on.

Bless your heart.

- You're a real friend. - I am.

I'm going to support Jenfer,

but also, and mostly, to promote my new book,

Mom For Life.

It's funny stories about being an empty nester.

I just, I hope my book doesn't upstage Jenfer's retard book

because that would be really hard for her.

But, probably harder for me to have to see her so upset.

Hey, Adonis! Phe Phe here.

Could you give me a call back when you get this?

So, I just got home from New York City

Hotel and Casino

and my entire house has been cleaned out.

Now, the security camera footage shows a man

who looks a lot like Adonis stealing my stuff.

But I don't believe it unless I see it with my own eyes.

That camera is not my eyes.

It's a camera!

But, whatever it is, I've got to get over it right now.

I have got to focus on my big book release party!

Fifty Shades of Phe: How To Throw Shade Like A Pro.

Mmm-hmm! I had some gay guys write it for me.

It's probably really good.

It's me.

Sis-boom-bah!

Actually, it's just my head on, uh, someone else.

My neck looks real little.

Magnita, I need more spit-up rags.

Oh, thank you.

There's something wrong with me.

My doctor says I have something that's going around called,

"The common cold"?

But, there's nothing common about me, so...

It has to be Callie's witchcraft, again.

I mean, after that horrible New York trip,

where I tried to kill her with kindness, literally...

- (SCREAMING) - No! No! No!

Die!

I could see her being pissed.

Wash that, please, I am contagious.

But no matter what, the most important thing

is that I still look beautiful.

I think I might want to wear the blue bikini tonight.

Hold it up for me.

So funny.

Even sick, I look better in it than you do.

Ah, 'cause you look terrible.

Ah, we have fun together, don't we, Magnita?

I have to muster all my energy

for the Book Convention/Beach Party.

I wrote a book,

Can't Pop It: My American Dream.

It's a guide to how you too can be a vaguely European ex-model

and marry a famous bubble artist.

But, I don't feel strong enough to go.

Luckily, First Lady gave me some of her MethAmphetaMine pills to give me a boost.

Ooh, they're pink.

Mmm, yum!

Maybe I'll take a few.

Honey, I'm home.

The Dark Lord is smiling upon me.

I told Vance that it wasn't safe for him

to stay in the same house with Ivanka while she's sick.

Also, she tried to strangle me,

so who knows what she's capable of?

So, he moved in with me and is sleeping in my bed.

I mean, until I find another bed, which is impossible.

- You started it! - You started it!

Oh, no, no, no!

I mean, who knows where they sell beds?

What are there, bed stores?

Uh-oh, uh-oh!

It's sad that Ivanka is so sick,

but my witchcraft had nothing to do with that.

Though, my witchcraft may have had something to do with ruining her favorite purse.

I mean, witchcraft is not an exact science.

Anyway, I'm really excited about my book release party

of my young adult novel.

It's called...

Howl At My Brother.

And, it's about a brother and sister werewolf

who finally get to run away together

after they flay alive a stuck-up princess.

It's already been optioned by Summon Entertainment.

And I'm just really excited to show those other women

how much you can accomplish with the power of witchcraft

and having no day job.

Hi! Come on in. (CHUCKLES)

Be careful.

It's fragile, okay?

Things have been going really well since I got back

from my big performance in New York City

Hotel and Casino.

Not my chair!

Ooh! Isn't she beautiful?

Aren't they all beautiful?

I now have a chair room.

It's just a room devoted to chairs for me to sit in and no one else to take.

It's really empowering for me

to always feel like I have a chair

and never feel like I don't have a chair,

because chairlessness is a terrible feeling.

In other great news,

Kelly moved in with me

along with his wife and child that he forgot to tell me about

til we were on vacation together.

Yay!

They needed a place to stay

and I thought it might be nice to have the company.

Can you move over?

Mom, how long do we have to live with these weird ladies?