Jim Gaffigan: Dark Pale

Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Gaffigan!

Thank you! Thank you, Tampa!

Thank you.

Thank you, Tampa.

America's next great city!

All right.

It is so great to be here.

Who am I kidding? I don't need this.

Right? I...

Let me take it off.

Okay. Here we go.

All right, here it comes...

I'm sure that's why some of you are here.

Now, before you think I'm all paranoid,

the only reason I'm wearing this is because I have COVID.

And by the end of the show, so will most of these people.

How many of you got COVID?

Did you get COVID?

-Did you get--? -

That's 'cause you're filthy!

And God doesn't love you.

No, I got COVID. God, when was that?

That was, uh, this afternoon.

But I prayed it away.

I do not have COVID.

Actually, I was just tested.

I took one of those online tests.

Sent 'em an empath,

and I have monkey pox.

Monkeypox kind of sounds like a kid's cereal.

It's like, "What's the prize inside?"

Sex with men.

What a weird couple of years we've had.

My God!

Lockdowns, mandates, variants.

But it feels like we've finally gotten to the point where we don't care.

Right?

Remember what we used to care?

I mean, obviously, we care, but we used to be concerned.

We were like, "Hundreds of people have died today,"

and now we're like, "Hundreds of people have died today.

Let's go to a comedy show."

Right?

For two years, for two years,

the news was like the death lottery.

We sat at home watching, like it was Powerball.

Here's tonight's numbers.

"Honey, get out here.

It's about to reach two million!

Honey?"

"Some of his jokes were sad."

I'm sure you're all vaccinated or gonna die.

We all know some anti-vaxxers,

and some of us used to know an anti-vaxxer.

Strange how that's funny, right?

You're like, "Ha ha, they died! Ha ha ha!"

There was a shift in our empathy during the pandemic.

I think it was those anti-vax preachers.

Remember reading about them, you're like,

"'Anti-vax preacher dies of COVID.' Good."

I can say that 'cause I'm a Christian.

People make their own decisions.

We had no control over it.

My parents, my parents aren't vaccinated.

I mean, they've been dead for a couple decades, but...

Enough with the excuses, right?

The pandemic did make me contemplate my mortality.

I just know when I go, I want it over quick.

Like if I'm in a plane crash, I want the plane to explode mid-air.

I was reading about this one plane crash.

This plane was flying at 30,000 feet, 30,000 feet,

and then it started a nosedive.

The plane nosedived for three minutes.

Three minutes!

Brutal!

That's a long time!

You know, for the first minute, everyone on that plane was like,

But eventually...

after like 60 seconds, they were like...

"Does anyone have any water?

I didn't really pace out my dying scream."

Three minutes. That's a long time.

You know someone on that plane rang the flight attendant button.

Ding! "Do you know how long till we crash?

Does this mean I can get a free drink?

That's long enough for passengers to get on each other's nerves.

"When you scream, can you not grab my armrest?"

Look, I'll kill you before we even crash."

Maybe the pilot came over the intercom.

"Hey, everyone, it's your captain here.

"Just wanted to thank you for choosing to fly with us.

Special shout out to our Silver Medallion members.

"You would have earned 2,000 miles on today's flight,

but it looks like we're not going to quite reach 700.

Our flight attendant Betty has been with the airline

for 31 years, and it appears today is her last day.

You can go ahead and take your phone off of airplane mode.

Heck, I've taken the plane off of airplane mode.

At this point, we're just a metal box hurling towards the earth.

We should have you back on the ground in about seven seconds."

Is that too dark? It's gonna get worse.

Right?

'Cause that was the lesson of the pandemic.

It's inevitable. Eventually we're all gonna go.

Don't worry, not all my material's this uplifting.

But we're all gonna go,

and then our loved ones will do our funeral.

That's harsh, right?

The people closest to the deceased are put in charge.

It's like, "We know you're in a very vulnerable state,

but time to host a party."

They're in shock.

Everyone at a funeral's in shock.

If you're not a little surprised at a funeral, you're the murderer.

"It was so unexpected."

"Not for me."

People are caught off guard at a funeral.

But I want my funeral to be a total surprise.

Like when I die, I don't want anyone to be told.

I just want evites to go out to friends.

"Last-minute party. Come on over, big announcement."

And then when my friends arrive, "Jim's dead."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Come look at the body."

'Cause that's essentially what happens at funerals.

"Come look at the dead body."

"I'll take your word for it.

What is this, Weekend at Bernie's?"

Have you been to an open-casket funeral?

"His memory will live on... in my nightmares."

At Catholic funerals, you're supposed to kneel

next to the casket and say a prayer.

That prayer goes like this:

"One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi...

It's got to be long enough."

'Cause the body looks weird in the casket.

It does. They're always overdressed.

We put men in business suits.

What, do they have an interview?

Dress for the afterlife you want.

People usually say, "He looks like he's resting."

"Or he passed out at an office Christmas party.

Why is he wearing a tie?"

If you want me to rest in peace, bury me in pajamas.

In preparation for the funeral, we put makeup on the dead body.

"When did Grandpa start wearing eyeliner?"

There's special funeral makeup.

You never see commercials for that makeup.

"Maybe that corpse is still alive...

or maybe it's Maybelline.

For when you want to look drop-dead gorgeous."

That's someone's job, to put makeup on a dead person's face.

That couldn't have been the goal.

Somehow the dream of "I want to work in fashion"

became "I'll put blush on the corpse."

It is an art form. It's impressive.

I'm surprised there's not a reality show.

Pimp My Corpse.

I have my own idea for a reality show.

I think it's a winner. Let me pitch it to you.

My show would open with two identical bodies

lying next to each other.

One of the bodies would be dead.

The other, cake.

Right? This show's called Dead or Cake.

And then a loved one would be given a cake knife.