M*A*S*H

Attention! Attention!

Casualties arriving on the pad.

We've got another delivery from the Cowboy.

Hawkeye!

‐Hawkeye! ‐I'm gonna count to one,

and then you better be outta here.

Sir, I hate to wake you.

How would you like me to take out your tonsils through your ear?

You're needed in surgery.

That figures.

Ten minutes' sleep a week oughta be enough for anybody.

I'd give anything to be able to see

the inside of my eyelids.

Cowboy just got back from another run.

Doesn't that guy ever sleep?

He will now. He's been hit in the shoulder.

‐Get us some coffee. ‐Anything else?

Yeah, two blondes, sunny‐side up.

Not the Cowboy again?

Same guy, different shoulder.

I'm thinking of putting in zippers.

He gonna be all right?

Unless somebody shoots him in here.

What do you think, Father? Should I sign it?

Uh, this the one Cowboy brought in?

Yeah, he lost a lot of blood.

‐Goldstein. ‐Think he'd mind?

Funny, he doesn't look it.

Whatever you say, Father.

Oh, I see the mark of the mad butcher.

‐How do they feel? ‐They hurt like hell.

Well, then, I'll just cancel your tango lessons.

Serious, doc. What do you think of my legs?

Well, I'm a fanny man, myself,

but I'm sure you'll be walking around in two weeks.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, yeah, we do quality work here.

Well, Cowboy, the Indians struck again.

Shoot, I've been hurt worse rollin' a cigarette.

When do I get outta here?

A few days. Can I get you anything?

Would you check on the mail? I've been expecting a letter.

I think The Pony Express has been through, already.

‐Something wrong? ‐Could be.

But it ain't nothin' I can fix from here.

Say, is this thing bad enough I can get sent home?

Even for a little while?

I'll see what I can do, huh?

Come on, Frank! Out of the way!

You're not going anywhere in that, McIntyre.

This jeep is the property

of the United States Army in general

and Colonel Blake in particular, and as such

is to be used for the official duties thereof and nothing else.

Frank, you're sucking around to become a hit and run case.

‐Move! ‐Over my dead body.

Great idea!

‐I dare you. ‐Now listen, Frank.

Yeah?

I have just completed three straight days

of surgery without rest.

And this nurse and I are going out to do some nature study.

So if you don't want to become hood ornament, you better move!

What's going on here? What is all the gaff?

Colonel Blake, this man is about to pilfer your jeep!

‐Is that right, McIntyre? ‐No, sir.

I was not pilfering. I was stealing.

Listen, haven't I got enough problems without your‐‐

‐Sir? ‐Not now, Radar.

Now I assume that you have a good reason for wanting the jeep.

He has not.

‐I'm talking to him. ‐Sir?

No. McIntyre‐‐ Look, Henry.

It's my curve ball. It's hanging.

Won't come in over the plate.

This here's my pitching coach.

She may not look it, but she's already straightened out my screwball.

She's got great stuff.

‐Nurse, out. Dis‐enjeep. ‐Hold it!

And you, Captain, you'll have to find some other means of transportation.

I am not running a personal taxi service here.

Ha ha.

‐Knock it off, Burns. ‐Sir?

Police that butt, soldier.

Sir, you wanted to sign this?

I don't want to sign anything.

You sign it.

Sir, would you sign that I signed?

I'll sign that.

Comfy?

Hey, you got a minute, Henry?

Oh, yeah, I got a lot of minutes,

and each one's worse than the one before.

Ah‐ah‐ah. Don't get up.

Let me just pretend that you're in charge of this nut house.

I got a problem.

Who is she?

Cowboy's X‐ray.

We cleaned a mess of shrapnel out of his right shoulder.

I think we should give him a ticket stateside.

It doesn't look all that serious.

Yeah, but I think he's got something at home that is.

Well, who doesn't?

I mean, I left a going practice and a wife

with a fistful of credit cards.

Excuse me.

Come on, Henry, show me there's a heart

under that dirty T‐shirt.

Not this time, Pierce.

He's gonna be very unhappy.

Well, you know, I don't remember the draft board

promising any of us a lot of laughs.

Then your final word is "no"?

Either that or "good‐bye".

It's multiple choice.

What are you doing here?

Catching up on my sulking.

I thought you had a date with a nurse.

Two, one this afternoon, one tonight.

The season's first double‐header.

So what happened?

Game called on account of Henry.

He took away my wheels. Taste that.

He just turned me down in letting Cowboy go home.

I think he's going sour on us.

Maybe he needs some relaxation.

This place is eating away his brain,

which I grant you is only an hors d'oeuvre.

Okay, uh, Henry, you may have the honor.

Uh, which way is the course?

Uh, out there.

Trapper and I laid this out ourselves.

This is the first hole.

And you see that, uh, flag out there?

Unh‐uh.

At about three o'clock.

Pretty far away, isn't it?

It's a par 29.

The minefields are out of bounds on the left,

and the Chinese Communists

are out of bounds on the right.

Why don't you hit first?

You're the boss.

Nice ball.

‐Ball's okay, yeah. ‐Yeah.

Your swing's a little strange,

but the ball looked good.

Oh, me.

Terrific!

Very nice, Henry. Very good.

Well, what do you think I ought to use from here?

I think you oughta use all you got.

Oh, yeah? How far is it?

From this bush, about a half a mile.

Uh, Ho‐Jon, give me the two wood, please.

You know, Pierce, this is really a great idea.

Well, that's the only kind we got.

I'm, um, really starting to unwind.

That's great. I'm glad.

What the hell was that?

I don't know, but you'll have to take a stroke.

But I can't even find my ball!

Then that's two strokes.

I don't see anything.

Maybe it was a sniper.

Coming from the camp?

Maybe a ricochet. Shall we continue?

No, no. I'll concede the hole,

And the game. And maybe the whole day.

Oh, let's not quit, Henry.

We're out here for your nerves.

We can leave. I got 'em.

Colonel!

Colonel.

‐What happened? ‐MAN: Come on, move over.

Jeep. Through my tent.

What'd he say?

Jeep. Tent. Through.

A jeep must've rolled loose and broke through his tent.

Why, he might've been killed!

‐(nervous chuckling) ‐Oh, come on, sir.

I'll fix you up. Come on, sir.

Jeep. Tent.

Crash. Kill.

Jeep. Crash. Kill. Yes, sir.

‐Jeep. ‐Jeep?

‐Tent. ‐Tent.

‐Through. Kill. ‐Through. Kill. Yes, sir.

‐Jeep. Crash. ‐Jeep. Crash.

‐Tent. ‐Tent.

‐Boom. Crash. Kill. ‐Boom. Yes, sir.

Okay, Trapper.

Don't think I don't know what you think I don't know.

Would you translate that, please?

You wouldn't be the first man in the army

who tried to kill his commanding officer.

Steady, Henry. Your glue is melting.

Just because I wouldn't let you use my jeep.

Wait a minute, Henry. Trapper may be insane,

but he's not crazy.