The Producers

Opening night, opening night

It's opening night

It's Max Bialystock's latest show

Will it flop or will it go

The cast is taking its final bow

Here comes the audience now

The doors are open, They're on their way

Let's hear what they have to say

He's done it again, He's done it again

Max Bialystock has done it again

We can't believe it

You can't conceive it

How'd he achieve it

It's the worst show in town

We sat there sighing

Groaning and crying

There's no denying

It's the worst show in town

Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss

We've seen shit, but never like this

Max Bialystock has done it again

The songs were rotten, The book was stinking

What he did to Shakespeare, Booth did to Lincoln

We had this specially made up for Max Bialystock.

We couldn't leave faster

What a disaster

We are still in shock

Who produced this schlock

That slimy, sleazy Max Bialystock

What a bum

Hello?

Mr. Bialystock?

Anybody here?

Mr. Bialystock?

Who are you? What are you doing here?

What do you want?

Speak to me, dummy, speak!

Why don't you speak?

Scared. Can't talk.

All right. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Calm down.

Get a hold of yourself. Come with me.

There. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Right this way. Watch your step.

Look. Just... Take a deep breath.

Let it out slowly.

- Who are you? - I am Leopold Bloom.

I'm an accountant. I'm from Whitehall & Marks

and I have come here to do your books.

Oh, you have, huh?

Well, listen... Who is it?

Hold me, touch me.

Hold Me-Touch Me. One of my backers.

Listen, I have to meet with an important investor.

Do me a big favor. Go to the bathroom.

- But I don't have to go. - Try. Try.

Think of Niagara Falls.

Be with you in a moment, my darling!

Hold Me-Touch Me. Where is Hold Me-Touch Me?

Kiss Me-Feel Me, Pinch Me-Pinch Me, Lick Me-Bite Me, Suck Me-F...

Here she is. Hold Me-Touch Me.

You know, it worked. As soon as I pictured Niagara Falls...

- Back! Back! Don't make a sound. - I didn't have any problems...

Coming. Coming.

Better.

Hello, gorgeous.

- Hold me, touch me. - As soon as I shut the door.

Did you bring the checkie?

Bialy can't produce plays without checkies.

Here you go.

But first, can we please play a game?

One dirty little game.

All right, my little sex kitty.

What shall we play?

- The Debutante and the Bricklayer? - Oh, no.

No.

How about the Rabbi and the Contortionist?

You like that one, Mama, keeps you limber.

I know. Let's play the Virgin Milkmaid

and the Well-Hung Stable Boy.

I don't think I have the strength.

- Oh, don't worry. I'll be gentle. - All right.

Oh, dear!

This milk is so heavy.

I'll never reach the house.

You there, well-hung stable boy.

Won't you please help me?

Of course, my little dairy queen.

First, I'll take your milk.

Then I shall take your virginity!

No. No. Never. No.

Yes. Yes.

Give it to me, well-hung, give it to me.

Darling, wait! I haven't even had coffee yet.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Oh, my God!

- Send me to the moon, you animal. - Yes.

- Send me to the moon. - Yes.

Yes, my darling. Thursday. Come back Thursday.

I'll send you to the moon Thursday.

I may even join you.

But first the checkie. Where's the checkie?

Come on, come on, find the checkie.

Oh, here you go.

I made it out like you told me.

- To the title of the play, "Cash." - Yes.

It's a funny name for a play, "Cash."

Yes.

So was The Iceman Cometh. I'll see you Thursday.

Ta-ta. Ta-ta.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Ta-ta. - Bye.

Yes, yes, yes.

You dirty old buzzard.

May I come out of the bathroom now,

Mr. Bialystock?

Yeah, sure.

I'm terribly sorry I caught you feeling up the old lady.

"Feeling up the old lady."

Thank you, Mr. Tact.

- May I take your coat? - Oh, thank you.

- So, you're an accountant? - Yes, sir, I am, sir.

Then account for yourself!

Why are you looking up little old ladies' dresses?

Bit of a pervert, eh?

I know what you're thinking.

How dare you condemn me without knowing all the facts?

- Mr. Bialystock, I wasn't... - Shut up!

I'm having a rhetorical conversation.

- Do you know who I used to be? - Why, yes.

Yes. You were Max Bialystock, the King of Broadway.

No, I'm Max... That's right.

- That's right. - And might I say, Mr. Bialystock,

and please don't take this the wrong way,

but you're not just a dirty old man.

Thank you.

You're also a great Broadway producer.

And there's something about me you should know.

When I was a kid, I had the good fortune

to be taken to Bialyhoos of Forty-Two.

- Oh, Bialyhoos? - Yes. Yes.

And I still have the ticket stub.

- Oh, look at that. - Yeah.

And ever since, I've had a secret desire

to be a Broadway producer.

A secret desire, huh?

Well, kid. Can I give you a little advice?

- Yes, sir. - Keep it a secret.

Do the books, please. Top drawer to the left.

Oh, my God!

Will you look at that?

That's it, baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

Mr. Bialystock, may I speak to you a minute?

- A minute? - Yes.

- Just one minute? - Yes.

- Okay. - In glancing at your books...

- Go! - I noticed that...

You have 58 seconds left. You've wasted two seconds.

- You're gonna time it? - Time is money.

Right. Well, I looked at your books,

I looked at the columns marked "Plays Received"...

- 48 seconds. 48 seconds left. - And I can't make the figures...

- Hurry! Hurry! - Mr. Bialystock,

there's a problem with your figures.

Twenty-eight seconds. You're running out of time.

- Tick-tock, tick-tock... - I cannot...

- I cannot. I cannot... - Fifteen seconds. Twelve.

- I cannot function... - 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

under these conditions.

- You're making me extremely nervous. - I was...

- What is that, a handkerchief? - What? This? No, this is...

It's nothing. It's nothing.

Well, if it's nothing, then why can't I see it?

My blanket! My blue blanket!

Give me back my blue blanket!

Give me my blanket!

Give it to me. Give it to me. Give me the blanket!

Give it to me. Give it to me, please.

Give it to me. Give it to me. Give me the blanket.

- Here, here, here, here. - Give it to me.

Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic.

I... I'm sorry.

It's just that I don't like anyone touching my blue blanket.

It's not important. It's a minor compulsion.

I can deal with it if I want to.

But I've had it ever since I was a baby

and I find it very comforting.

I need to lie down for a minute now.

They come here. They all come here.

How do they find me?

Hey, kid.

Hey. Yoo-hoo!

Look at this.

How can I help you?

What's wrong?

- You're gonna jump on me. - What?

- You're gonna jump on me. - No.

- I know you're gonna jump on me... - No. Calm down.

- and squash me like a bug. - Oh, God.

Please don't jump on me.