The League of Gentlemen

Dearest Benjamin,

I'm so pleased you're able to attend your Uncle Harvey's funeral.

It means the world to the girls and myself to have you there.

Of course, with it being the first Monday in the month,

I will be honouring Nude Day as usual,

which is what I believe your Uncle Harvey would have wished.

- It's fine, Auntie Val, honestly. - We are now approaching Royston Vasey,

where this train terminates. This is the end of the line.

Let me get your bag.

- Y'all right, love? - I'm looking for the mayor's office.

Oh, it's just down there on your left.

You can't miss it, it's the only one not boarded up.

Thank you.

Hey!

Hey, it didn't used to be like this, you know. Vasey.

- Really? - No!

Used to be a right shit-hole.

Derek!

- Your first patient's here. - Thank you!

Cheers!

Taking their two front teeth out, aren't we?

Just a check-up.

_

_

So, is it good to be back, Benjamin,

after all this time?

It is, though under sad circumstances, obviously.

Do you two know each other?

Yes. Barbara was the first person I met in Royston Vasey.

As she was very friendly, as I remember it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! We'll have none of that in here!

No hate speech.

Hate speech? I...

Gender neutral pronouns only.

People used to make fun of the likes of us.

Well, that's all gone now. The world's moved on.

We are no longer a source of cheap humour and laughs.

No.

And this cab is a safe, friendly, mutually respectful,

and above all, tolerant space!

Of course, Barbara. What pronoun do you use?

Well, if you don't know, you can piss off out of it.

I'm not fucking telling you!

- Hello. - Hello, there.

And who do we have here, then?

This is Mittens, Mr Chinnery.

Daisy's been fascinated by hedgehogs for ages.

I see.

So we put out some cat food and some milk in a little saucer,

and after a few weeks... along came Mittens.

What seems to be the problem?

Oh! Good heavens!

Well... you'll have to excuse me if I look a little excited...

This is quite an unusual disorder.

- Will he die? - No, no, no, no, no.

It's not as dramatic as it looks.

It's a mild condition that occasionally affects

members of the Erinaceidae family... The spiny mammals.

- Oh, really? - Yes.

Pockets of air can build up between the musculature and the epidermis.

Then an underlying infection causes a build-up of gas

- beneath the hedgehog's skin. - Sounds nasty.

Oh, it's nothing to worry about.

Insertion of a small cannula will gently release the built-up air.

Mittens will be back to normal size in no time.

Don't you worry, Daisy.

Perhaps you could sing him a little song to distract him.

Put him at his ease, hmm?

# Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

I can't see!

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Have you thought about getting a puppy?

What do you mean, squatters? Them flats is coming down Wednesday.

All right. I'll swing by later.

Where do you want us to move it to, boss?

Oh, just bin it.

In a couple of months' time, Royston Vasey ain't even going to exist.

Didn't there used to be a shop up here?

No idea.

They're doing what?

Apparently, the county are moving the boundary line

to exclude Royston Vasey.

It'll bring down crime statistics, unemployment figures,

missing persons...

Yours are the highest on record.

Well, at least we're good at something, eh, Murray?

So what'll happen to us?

From what we've heard at the Chronicle,

you're going to be incorporated into one of the bigger towns.

Like Spent or Blackbottoms.

Do you have a comment on that?

Have you ever read the Bible, pet?

- No. No, I haven't. - No, me neither.

But apparently, there was a place called Sodom,

which was full of incest, buggery and murder.

Eventually it was destroyed.

Shat on by God from a great height.

- Welcome to Royston Vasey. - What do you mean?

If they want to force us into Blackbottoms, then so be it.

It's no skin off my fanny.

But Bernice, they've got their own mayor.

We'd lose our jobs, our hospitality budget,

your free parking spot outside of Oddbins.

Fuck that. Get some placards and paint and phone rent-a-mob.

We're not going down without a fight.

So, are you going anywhere nice on your holidays, Benjamin?

I've just booked for the Isle of Man, actually.

Er... Isle of what?

Er... Isle of Wight.

- Racist. - Erm... just here, thank you, Barbara.

There you go.

Thank you, Barbara. See you.

Thank you.

Barbara's gone a bit militant, hasn't she?

Yes, he has.

Your Uncle Harvey would have approved.

He always liked to see things correctly labelled, as you know.

A place for everything, and... everything in its place.

Yes. I remember.

Is the key under the mat?

Sort of.

Oh...

Make yourself at home.

Auntie Val... are you all right?

Yes, quite all right.

Everything's perfectly in order.

Do you want me to take my shoes off?

If you like.

Must have been quite a shock.

Harvey had been ill for some time.

But at least I didn't have to face it alone.

Hello, Benjamin.

It's nice to see you again.

We've had no-one to play with.

For years and years and years.

Oh, God.

I'd forgotten.

_

- All right, lads. - All right.

Do you, er... need any DVDs?

You what?

DVDs! They don't know what DVDs are.

They're like videos, but you don't have to rewind them.

We've got all the latest ones on pirate.

We've got Matrix, we've got Sixth Sense,

where he turns out a ghost at the end,

- We've got Pretty Woman. - Though that is a love.

It is a love, and not like a bluey love, more like a drama love.

Yeah, pig-shite boring, to be honest.

Nah, you're all right, mate.

We've got some good horrors. Silence Of The Lambs.

Good killings, though it did win an Oscar.

Too much acting.

Green Mile.

Got a good death by electric, and all things coming out his eyes.

Nightmare On Elm Street, where she gets ate by her own bed...

Classic!

Oh, they're all, like, bare old.

You not got any, like, modern ones or anything?

Come here.

Did you know they've made a Terminator 2?

There you go!

Hokey-cokey pig-in-a-pokey!

Good morning, job-seekers!

Ooh, God, it stinks in here, can no-one smell it?

Open a window for me, will you? What's your name?

- Mickey. - Thank you, Mickey, love.

But before you do...

I want you all to breathe in through your noses and remember that stench.

Cos that is the smell of idleness.

It's the smell of dirty little bum cracks pumping out the gas

from a Kwik Save No Frills pasty.

Eaten cold at four in the morning, cos time has no meaning for you.

That is your smell, job-seekers...

and I...

am an aerosol.

- You can say that again. - Er... I beg your pardon?

Did you just say something?

- No. - What's your name?

- Ross. - Ross.

I hope I'm not going to have any problems with you.

Am I?

Not as far as I'm concerned.

Good.

Come and sit up here at the front next to Mickey love,

where I can keep an eye on you.

Right, the rest of you, put your hands up if you can remember

what it was like to have to be in a certain place at a certain time.

Er...

Here... this morning?

Yes, thank you, Mr Waddy love.

And it gave you a sense of purpose, didn't it?

So that's what we're going to be looking at today -

motivation.

Mickey love, can you dish out the pens please, Pauline's pens?

And I know exactly how many there are,

so don't be thinking you can smuggle them out in your bottoms.

- Yeah! - Be back in a sec.

Sorry, Mickey, I can't do this.

Ross, please, just keep going.