The Goldbergs

Adult Adam: Ah, the '80s...

A time before you could magically download music,

and your stereo was your pride and joy.

Just one problem... Tapes cost a fortune,

so I only owned two,

both of which were the "Cocktail" soundtrack.

Luckily, back then, there was a way to get free music.

Man: And coming in at number 2, Chicago.

Adult Adam: Waiting for three hours to record it right off the radio.

Unfortunately, in my house, that wasn't so easy.

Hey, hey, Barry, do you mind? I'm recording Chicago.

You won't hear a thing. Look at my hands.

These are the fingers of a surgeon.

Not cool, funny bone! Not cool!

- I'm home! The TV's mine! - Shh!

Dad, I'm recording music.

And I'm watching a very special "Gilligan's island"

where the Harlem globetrotters come to visit.

Please, just give me three minutes.

I've always loved Gilligan, and I love meadowlark lemon.

I never thought the two of them would meet.

Damn it!

Can you at least try to... I hate you and this house.

I didn't even do anything.

Oh, well, I suppose the car just dented itself.

Come on, man!

Like I'm supposed to believe...

Why does this thing keep going off?

They built a basketball court on the island!

My own daughter...

Damn it!

Damn it! Darn it!

- That's obviously stupid. - Apparently...

Yep, it seemed I would never get to enjoy the music I liked

until one company changed everything.

Columbia house.

My god! How did you get all those tapes on a lawn mower's salary?

They got this catalog filled with albums,

and they just give you 12 tapes for a penny.

That deal defies all reason.

I know. I got them all... Abba to Zappa.

- 'Sup, pretty eyes? - Not much, DK.

Sweet tapes.

Yeah. I don't know, man.

There's, like, a bunch of legal stuff here.

Dave Kim doesn't read the fine print.

He lives in the moment.

Tapes!

It had to be too good to be true.

So I went to the biggest con artist in my family...

My big sister.

Sure, you get a bunch of tapes up front,

but then you enter into a contract

to order more for full price.

In the end, Columbia house always comes for you.

Man, I bet they have like ex-Navy seals

to collect their money.

I think you're giving them too much credit.

Point is you can't get something for free.

Sure you can.

What you do is go into a store,

take a bunch of stuff, and then just walk out.

Yeah, that's called stealing.

That's called stealing.

That's what you sound like.

Wait, wait.

What if I give Columbia house a fake name

and take the 12 tapes?

Well, it's illegal, but very clever.

Yes! Then let's do this!

As much as I would love to commit mail fraud with you,

Mom's really been on my back lately.

Aw, come on. Commit a felony with me.

It'll be a good bonding experience,

or at the very least a cautionary tale.

Whoa. Your little brother's hardcore.

Yeah, a hardcore nerd.

Not anymore, Erica.

Face it... Now I'm a certified badass.

Schmoopie. "Muppet babies" is on.

Yippee!

It was march 16, 1980-something,

and my brother went to pick up his girlfriend, Lainey.

One problem... he had to get by her dad first.

Lainey!

The scream-y kid with the crazy eyebrows is here.

Special night. It's our 10-month anniversary.

Anniversaries are for years, not months,

so you're celebrating nothing.

Let me see your wallet.

Here, take it.

$6?

Where do you plan to take her tonight?

A vending machine at a bus station?

Oh, it's fine. She usually pays.

Lainey: Hey, bar.

Nope! Absolutely not!

Shutting it down.

If that jacket hits the floor tonight, so do you.

Okay, kids, have a great time.

Even though Barry had won the love of his life,

it was becoming clear he had not won over her dad.

Yet.

Nothing like a cold one after work, am I right?

Amen to that, brother!

Love me the old brew ha-ha, nectar of the gods,

foam hammer, wheat and greet, little truth water,

golden problem solver, beer.

Move over, rover.

- Are you telling me you drink? - No!

You just said you love cold suds.

So which is it? Are you a lush or a liar?

He's a moron. I'm gonna grab us a refill, Mur.

You want a six pack, Mickey Mantle?

Mnh-mnh.

- Why? - I'm probably being a little paranoid,

but it kind of seems like Bill hates my living guts.

Hoo-hoo! He sure does!

I don't get it.

Mom says I'm literally a human ray of sunshine.

Your mom's a nice lady,

but she's done some real damage to you.

I need Bill to be my friend.

He's like a father to Lainey.

You're the boyfriend.

No Dad likes the guy who's dating his daughter.

So it's not personal.

Yes!

Top shelf.

- Yeah, throw this away. - No.

- I'll time you. - Okay, got to beat my record.

While Barry was happily distracted,

I was focused on pulling off the biggest scam ever.

Dude, what are you doing?

I've had a revelation.

Why create one fake name and get 12 tapes,

when you can create infinite fake names

and get all the tapes?

Are you sure this is a good idea?

I've thought of everything, Erica.

See, Columbia house has agents everywhere

looking to collect their money.

But I'll be one step ahead of them with this.

Each of my phony identities

has elaborately fleshed-out backstories

that I've completely committed to memory.

Optimus O'Prime? Really, dude?

Whose first name is Optimus?

This guy.

He's a 41-year-old truck driver

who spends his long nights on the road

jamming to the soft-rock stylings of Chicago.

Ugh, why?

Because I'm playing god, Erica.

Meet Dr. Garth Vaderstein.

He's got asthma and issues with his son.

He's also got an insane love of hall & Oates.

Well, we all have hobbies.

Next, meet Stu Voltron, age 43.

He's a divorced veterinarian.

The only thing he loves more than animals?

Billy Joel.

I think maybe you should pump the brakes

on your life of crime.

I think you should beat it, narc.

Yay, tapes.

For mere pennies, I had enough soft rock

for two lifetimes. Wow.

That's a whole lot of music cassettes.

How did you get the money for all that?

Do you want to ask questions?

Or do you want a little Neil Diamond?

I saw nothing.

Good answer. As I was in way over my head,

Barry was trying to make some headway with Bill.

There he is.

It's happening.

He's changed his mind about me.

Anthony Balsamo, you old son of a gun.

Where you been? Why don't you come around anymore?

'Cause your beautiful daughter broke up with me.

Ah, women... Who can understand them?

Hey, when am I gonna see you out on the links again?

My buddy and I have a tee time this weekend.

You should caddy for me. Keep this duffer on the green.

- Look out! - Hey.

Ugh.

I hate it when my dad talks golf with my ex.

They used to do it all the time when we dated.

Your dad liked him while you two were dating?

I thought he hated me 'cause I'm your boyfriend.

Oh, sweetie, no.

My dad hates you as, like, a person.

You being my boyfriend is just a happy coincidence.

Well, don't worry.

I know a man who's got the inside track on your dad,

and he'll be more than happy to help me.

Mmmmm, yeah, uh...

What is that? Is that a yes or a no?

Yeaaaa-no...