Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Whatcha got there?

A candle, perfume. Bra.

Someone's dropping off a care-package for mom.

Ew. No.

It's the stuff that Sophia left at my apartment.

Oh, bud. Oh, bud.

Breakups are the worst.

Man, I just want to walk up to Sophia,

slap her in the face and say, "Girl, you messed up."

You need to destroy that stuff.

You want me to crush that big box

into a little ball with my bare hands?

No.

I'm gonna text Sophia and give her her stuff back.

That way I'll get to see her again

and hopefully smell the air around her hair.

That'll make me feel better. No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, you need to embrace the pain

so you can get through it.

You need catharsis.

Sarge is right. You need to cathart.

Cathart your brains out.

Cathart all over the place.

That is a great point, guys.

Thank you.

You know who'd appreciate that a lot

is Sophia, I'm gonna text her.

I'm gonna take that phone now, Jake.

I'd like to see you try.

Well, you did that very easily.

Look, I understand that you're trying

to help, but I promise you, the best thing for me

right now is to text Sophia.

Give me my phone?

Okay. Thank you.

And... send.

Why hasn't she written back yet?

Uh, this feels terrible.

You two could have stopped this,

but you didn't, you monsters.

Hey.

Any idea what this emergency meeting is about?

Probably about how all the cell towers

in the city are broken, and that's why Sophia

hasn't texted me back.

I keep checking my phone every three seconds, like a loser.

Tread lightly, son.

Jacob...

Have you done any of the catharting

exercises I gave you?

Well, I don't own a bathtub, so the first two pages are out.

And it's the middle of winter,

so where would I dance in a fountain?

Indoor malls, Jake. Indoor malls.

All right, squad.

Evry year, the Department of Homeland Security

runs a multi-agency counter-terrorism drill.

The team from the DOD

had to drop out at the last minute.

Thanks to our stellar scores

at last year's tactical village...

Nine-nine!

They want us to fill in.

We are the only non-federal agency

ever invited to this event.

This is a huge opportunity and we are going to nail it!

Nine-nine!

All: Yeah!

Charles? Yeah?

You know what I'm thinking?

Yes, we should pack grapes for the road.

No.

This drill couldn't have come at a better time.

I'm gonna throw myself into it

and focus solely on getting a win,

and not whether or not Sophia's texted me back.

Which she hasn't, in case anyone was wondering.

Nine-nine!

All: Yeah! Nine-nine!

I don't get it.

Santiago, Diaz.

Before you go, both of you requested

to have this Saturday off, but I need one of you to work.

Oh, I could take that shift.

Well, last time you worked a Saturday,

you watched cartoons the entire time.

Well, that's when they're on.

Work this out and get back to me.

Sorry. I can't reschedule.

I have tickets to a TED Talk

on power poses and getting what you want

by using your body.

Uh-oh.

I hope it doesn't get too sexual.

"Uh-oh, I hope it doesn't get too sexual."

Title of your sex tape.

But seriously, what is taking so long?

Also the title of your sex tape.

Well, I have plans on Saturday too.

I'm having dinner with my parents.

So?

You don't even like your parents.

You call them smiley morons and hug freaks.

Plans are plans, I'm a badass, not an anarchist.

I don't buy it.

You know, if you told me what you were really doing,

I'd consider changing my plans.

But you didn't so I'm getting Saturday off.

Are you trying to power pose me?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm supposed to be sitting in a chair.

This is why I need to see the talk!

Captain, is the entire squad at this dumb field trip?

Yes, they are.

Is there a problem?

Uh, yeah.

You know how I've been defying all expectations

by going back to school?

I always knew you had it in you.

Can't you just be blown away by me?

I need someone to take

this personality test for my Psych class.

I was hoping to wow my professor

with a genuine psycho like Amy,

or Hitchcock, or Charles would be great.

I'm not a psycho, but I could take your test.

That would be awesome.

I do need to warn you that the results

can be... a little unflattering.

It's okay, I'm no stranger to unflattering test results.

Your blood pressure's normal.

Normal? Take it again.

I'm not afraid to have my flaws exposed.

But just to be clear, though, it is possible

to get a result that shows no flaws?

I guess. Good.

Good. Can't wait to begin.

Sophia text you?

No, it's just a lightly racist email forward

from my Grandma.

But it doesn't matter.

It's time to cathart. Check it out.

Windbreaker city.

ATF, Marshals, ICE, FBI, Homeland Security.

Welcome to the big leagues, Boyle.

Oh, say that again.

I want to record it and use it as my ringtone.

Eh.

Hey, there.

Jake Peralta, NYPD. Pleasure to meet a colleague.

Colleague? Dude, read the jacket.

Homeland. We're not on the same level.

Wow. That was incredibly rude.

No, no, no, no.

I've always admired people

who decided what they wanted to be

when they were six years old and never waivered.

Bus drivers, ice cream men.

Princesses.

So when exactly did you decide you wanted to be a butt?

Was it college? Law school.

Just wanted to let you know that I went to law school.

At Butt University?

What are you doing?

I'm standing up for us.

Don't worry about it, that guy doesn't matter.

All right. Everybody, take their seats.

My name is Agent Kendrick, Homeland Security.

And I am in charge here.

Sarge, I was wrong. He totally matters.

This year's scenario.

Terrorists have stormed the Capital Trust

bank building and have taken hostages.

Noice!

Oh, cool trick.

I don't have a ton of free time to practice high-fiving.

You just made fun of us for that.

For practicing, that's the first time we ever tried it.

Here are your assignments.

ATF, you will be our terrorists.

Ooh, that's a rough draw.

Homeland Security, you are Command Control.

Marshals, Strike Team Alpha.

And NYPD?

Helicopter snipers, helicopter snipers.

Says here you will be our hostages.

What?

So you just want us to lie on the ground

and do nothing, like a bunch of losers?

Yes, precisely.

No. Jackpot.

Can you leave me some wiggle room

so I can check my phone periodically?

Why? Waiting for your mom to text?

No, actually, I'm waiting for a girl who broke up

with me to text.

That's way worse. Yeah, it's bad.

This sucks.

I just got dumped by a mega-fox

and no one's letting me shoot a big gun about it.