The Big Bang Theory

No, seriously, I think

I've finally figured out my problem with women.

The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.

What does that have to do with me and women?

Nothing. It was a desperate attempt

to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.

My problem is, I don't project confidence.

So I decided that the next time I meet a woman

I think is attractive, rather than holding back

and being cautious, I'm going to assume

the mantle of self-assurance.

Oh, yeah? What's that look like?

Hi.

I'm Leonard.

And you are beautiful.

You pop, sparkle and buzz electric.

I'm going to pick you up at 8:00,

show you a night you will never forget.

Where are we going?

Good news.

I made it onto the team

for the new Defense Department

laser-equipped surveillance satellite.

Excuse me.

If we're changing topics, I believe I have first dibs

with capybara, a rodent the size of a baby hippo.

Congratulations, Howard.

Thanks.

Listen, I have to get a security clearance,

so you guys might be hearing from the FBI.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I don't want to speak to the FBI.

Why not?

I'm brown and I talk funny.

They're just doing a background check on me.

It doesn't matter; they'll find a reason

to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville.

By the way,

when I say that, it's not offensive.

Don't be ridiculous, Raj.

You're here legally.

Nobody cares. Do you know how long it's been

since I got through airport security

without being given a colonoscopy?

You know, I try very hard

to make our lunch hours educational and informative,

but your insistence on talking about your own lives

stymies me at every turn.

Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodents.

1No, you squandered your time with me,

and the moment has now passed.

Feast on your disappointment,

much as the capybara feasts on its own waste.

Edward's only pushing you away because he loves you.

Coming.

Dr. Koothrappali?

I'm Special Agent Page, FBI.

May I come in?

I'd like to talk to you about Howard Wolowitz.

Oh, thank you.

All right.

Well, how long have you known Mr. Wolowitz?

Rum cake?

No, thanks.

Now, about Mr. Wolowitz...

Seven years.

I see.

I'm in this country legally, you know.

I'm sure you are.

Now, to your knowledge, has Mr. Wolowitz ever committed a crime?

Of course not.

I'm here on an H-1B visa,

which means I can't be associated in any way

with crime or criminal activity.

And I'm not.

Good.

To your knowledge, does Mr. Wolowitz

have any foreign contacts?

No, just me.

Oh, there it is.

Here comes a cavity search.

Excuse me?

Please don't send me back to India; it's so crowded!

It's like the whole country is one endless Comic-Con,

except everybody's wearing the same costume: Indian Guy.

Dr. Koothrappali, I'm not... I love this country!

The-the baseball, the freedom,

the rampant morbid obesity!

From California to the New York Island!

I'm a real Yankee Doodle boy!

Dr. Koothrappali, please.

So, when Howard said the FBI would be contacting me,

I was expecting Mulder.

Glad to see I got Scully.

Who?

Mulder and Scully.

X-Files.

"The truth is out there."

Never mind.

Uh, so, what would you like to know?

You work with Mr. Wolowitz here at the university, correct?

Yes. Of course, we're in different departments.

He's an engineer and I'm an experimental physicist.

You know, one of those guys

who examines the building blocks of creation

and says, "Hello, maker of the universe.

"I see what you did there.

Good one."

Right.

Now, how would you characterize

your relationship with Mr. Wolowitz?

Good.

It's a good relationship.

Of course, most of my relationships are good.

Probably because I exude confidence.

People are drawn to that, you know?

Confidence, not exuding.

Do you know of any groups Mr. Wolowitz is a member of?

You are beautiful,

you know that?

You pop, sparkle and buzz electric.

I'm going to pick you up at 8:00,

show you a night you will never forget.

Sounds great.

Really?

Yeah.

Can my six-foot-two Navy SEAL husband come with us?

Is that...?

Oh, my, I didn't see the ring with my glasses off, so...

Look at that, I'm starting to exude.

Want to get that?

Not particularly.

Could you get that?

I suppose I could if I were asked.

Would you please get that?

Of course.

Why do you have to make things so complicated?

Dr. Cooper?

Yes.

I'm Special Agent Page, FBI.

You say you're Special Agent Page, FBI.

Here's my I.D.

And here is

my Justice League membership card.

But that doesn't prove I know Batman.

I just want to ask you a few questions about Howard Wolowitz.

Oh. All right.

I doubt anyone would risk

the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer

just to ask questions about a minor league engineer

with an unresolved Oedipal complex.

Thank you.

For the record, I truly support the FBI

in the mission which is expressed

through their motto...?

Fidelity, bravery, integrity.

Correct. Now to business.

18 years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples

from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire

on my front porch...

...for fingerprinting and DNA analysis.

Why haven't I heard back yet?

Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate.

That's of little comfort to a nation

attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes.

Would you mind if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now?

A little, but go on.

Thank you.

Would you characterize him as responsible?

I'm going to answer that with a visual aid.

This is my nine-disc complete

Lord of the Rings trilogy Blu-ray set.

Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it,

damaged plastic retention hub number three...

...and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn't notice.

Would you characterize that as responsible?

That's really not the sort of thing we're interested in.

You heard me say Blu-ray, right?

I did.

Very well.

Would you be interested

in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto

my World of Warcraft account and changed the name

of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?

I'm afraid not.

Is there anything else?

"Is there anything else?"

Where would you like to start?

He refuses to pay fines

when he's overdue with books I lend him.

He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman.

He recommended that I go see

the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote,

"just as good as the first one."

If that's not irresponsible, I don't know what is.

The Mars Rover?

Did I say Mars Rover?

You did.

That was actually a poorly chosen example,

as it had nothing to do with me.