Superstore

Hey, Rodriguez. Good news.

I was going over the harassment policy.

Turns out there's nothing in there about nerds.

We can do whatever we want to them.

Well, I'm not really dying

to harass some nerds.

Oh, no, neither am I. I'm just saying we have options.

Oh, God, you've gotta be kidding me.

Okay, don't look over now. I'm gonna need you

to look over, but don't be obvious about it, okay?

Don't look now. Look back at me.

All right, okay. Ready?

Look now. Wait, not now!

Dina, what are you talking about?

Okay, you know Colleen from the Bel-Ridge store?

The one who sucks and is like if Satan

and a turd had a baby? She just walked in.

Mm-hmm, yeah. Um...

But your little rivalry thing is just kind of fun

and friendly competition, right?

No, Amy. I hate her with the fire

of a thousand suns. Frankly, I'd like her dead.

- Oh. - Shh... she's coming this way.

God, I wish I could dropkick her dumb head.

Colleen, hi!

Oh, my gosh, it's so good to see you.

Vomit.

I am so sorry to hear about Bel-Ridge closing.

Ugh, who knows why these things happen?

Thanks, Deener. I appreciate that.

So whatcha doing here? You just pop in

on your way to the unemployment office?

Well, actually, uh...

Fun surprise.

Colleen has been transferred to here.

That... is a fun surprise.

Colleen Wisniewski! In my store.

Why didn't you tell me?

I thought maybe you'd overreact a little bit.

Oh, I'm overreacting a lot. This will not stand!

You have to fire her. She calls me "Deener," Amy.

- Deener. - Look, my hands are tied.

She's been with the company a long time.

Corporate wanted to relocate her.

Besides, we kind of had something to do with

the closing of Bel-Ridge,

so maybe we should just be cool with it.

What and then just let Colleen be Colleen?

I don't wanna be on that side of history.

If you don't get her out of here, I will.

No, Dina, no. You will not.

Or I will be forced to write you up.

- Really? - In front of Colleen.

You wouldn't.

- Try me. - What is this?

Is this... is this you being firm?

Oh, you're back.

Well, I'm wearing your vest and I'm keeping it

'cause it fits me better.

No, I'm just visiting. I may not be able to work here,

but they can't stop me from seeing my friends

and using their employee discount.

So you have to wear that thing all the time?

It's the worst.

I have to charge it every eight hours,

and of course they had to put it on my cute ankle.

My mom's ex-boyfriend Dustin

had one of those, but he took it off.

How? They're, like, indestructible.

Well, he was 400 pounds when he got it,

but then he got a parasite from a lake.

Maybe something like this for our centerpieces?

But with basil in it 'cause Jerry loves Italian food.

I wish you were having a gay wedding.

I've never been to a gay wedding.

Oh, you should have a shrimp tower

because I've heard at some weddings

they don't have enough shrimp, and some...

some people get upset.

Okay, these are all great points,

just not for a union meeting,

which this was actually supposed to be.

So have you guys set a date yet?

Almost. It's either gonna be

the anniversary of our first kiss

or whatever the cheapest option is.

You know, Sandra, you seem to have a lot going on right now

and I'm wondering if maybe I should take the reins

on this whole union thing for a little bit.

Yes, thank you.

I'm doing a lot of wedding planning this week

and also I'm going through all the "Fast & Furious" movies,

so I have a lot on my plate.

Got it. Yeah.

Here are the signed cards

and, FYI, the warehouse guys took theirs back.

Wait, what? Why?

I don't know, but Rico has beautiful penmanship.

He agreed to do all of my invitations.

I guess I should've pushed back more when

corporate made me hire her, but I just thought

Dina hated her like, "I hate Mondays."

But no, she wants to follow Monday home,

blockade the door, and burn the house down

with Monday still inside.

Well, I mean I can see where Dina is coming from.

Who wouldn't hate that person?

Well, at least I put my foot down.

Dina is not going to be messing with her.

Hopefully. How was the union meeting?

Well, uh, we learned that Sandra is walking

down the aisle to "The Hamster Dance."

Oh, and all the warehouse guys are out.

Wait, what? How are we gonna get any

of the other stores to commit if we can't get our own people?

Don't worry, I'm on it. I'll... I'll talk to them,

get 'em back on board.

Oh.

You know, I would never usually recommend this,

but you should talk to Marcus. I don't know,

for some reason they listen to him.

I think it's 'cause he's tall.

Is he tall?

I guess I just never thought of us as tall...

Aww.

God, this sucks.

I just feel so useless.

And not like the way most people here are useless.

I just mean, like, no purpose.

Well, I could use your help with this quilt right now.

I can't get it smooth.

Okay, you can't grapple with it once it's down.

You have to do the loft-and-fold.

- What? - Yeah.

Just loft...

And then we fold this...

Wow! Get this guy into my bedroom.

- Thank you. - You bet.

Aww, did you see his face when he helped you?

Makes sense. He loves being better

at stuff than people.

Oh, crap.

- My phone's in there. - Oh.

I don't know, man. The guys got pretty spooked by the raid.

Who knows what corporate would do if we unionize?

Yeah, well, but we... we really need the numbers, and I...

And I-I just thought maybe...

maybe you could talk to them?

If you're... if you're worried about what to say,

we could go over some talking points together, you know.

Hold up... together?

As in, you and me?

Yeah, just, you know, just quickly to go over what to say.

Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We hang out, chopping it up,

bro by bro. Then I go back in,

get the guys back on board, we go celebrate for dinner.

Right, great. And then, yeah, that's the end.

Or the beginning of a great friendship.

You know, I... I feel like we could

get this done pretty quickly.

Do you... do you have a minute now?

I don't know.

I mean, we have a lot of ground to cover.

We should probably block out a big chunk of time.

- Oh. - Say, lunch?

Yeah, okay, sure. Lunch.

Yes! The Horsemen ride again.

Meet me at my car.

I'll put together a playlist.

You can put on some more comfortable clothes...

- Probably just wear this. - Ah, it's perfect.

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers.

Just a reminder about our emotional support snake policy.

We don't have one, so please do not bring your...

You know how I said there's no way I will ever

forgive you for what happened to my birds?

Well, guess what? There is a way.

I need you to make Colleen quit because I hate her.

Okay, so you hate Colleen, you hate me...

- How many enemies do you have? - 37.

36, and then my bitch neighbor had a baby.

All right, look, Dina, I don't have any beef

with this woman and I don't know how you'd

go about making someone quit.

Well, you managed to make my birds quit living.

I'm sure you can figure something out.

Just get her out of here

and make sure I'm not tied to it at all

and I'll stop doing things like this.

That was Elias's.

Oh, well, that's fine.

Elias is also on my list.

Oh, Mateo, thank God you're here.

I can't get these shirts to lie flat.

How do you do it again?

Okay, so just... anchor it with your thumb

and pull it taut.

Do the same thing on the other side, like so.

One-third, two-thirds, there.