Superstore

Okay, I need two volunteers.

Oh, right here, I'm first! Pick me!

Okay, thank you, Mateo. Who else?

Anyone?

Garrett!

Yeah, I just wanted to say no.

You're all ingrates.

I hope someone sets you all on fire,

and you need a volunteer to put it out.

It's too much for 6:00 a.m., Dina.

I don't think it's enough.

Okay, fine. I'll do it.

Okay, thank you, Jonah.

You and Mateo will be in charge

of our in-store dog adoption today.

Yes, that's right.

That volunteer job was desirable.

That was a lesson.

"And lo, the Samaritan, as he traveled, came to where..."

6:00 a.m., Glenn.

Okay, right.

Anyway, while the rest of you are having normal, dogless days,

these two selfless heroes will be in puppy heaven.

I want to be in puppy heaven.

I'll switch if anybody wants.

I don't really care about dogs.

What?

- What did he say? - I mean, I don't dislike them.

I just, you know, I don't really have strong feelings

- one way or the other. - You're a psychopath.

Sociopath, he's a sociopath.

Is it because they don't like you?

No, no I think it says something about our priorities

that we spend so much money on pets

when there are literally millions of children

without adequate nutrition.

I hope you die.

Okay, I need another volunteer.

Me me me me me me me me!

Sandra, thank you.

Come on up.

And I am glad that you're an animal lover

because we have a large number of hornets nests

around the perimeter of the store.

That's right, it's not always good to volunteer.

That was another lesson.

No, look, I want the sour cream and onion chips.

I can't eat the ones with the ridges on them

because they hurt the top of my mouth!

That's part of the experience, Cheyenne.

I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore.

Hey hey, what is happening?

I don't even know who Bo is anymore.

- Okay, all right. - Are you kidding me?

You know that's because I never get what I want.

All I ever do now is babysit for free!

It's not babysitting when you're the dad!

- Whoa! - Hey, guys, chill.

No, come on.

This doesn't have to wind up on YouTube.

Film one of my impressions instead.

Okay, you want to start something now?

- Yeah! - "Hi, I'm Batman."

That was Batman.

"And now I'm the Joker."

Somebody has to clean all of this up.

"You merely adopted the dark, I was born in it."

Damn, tight Bane! Respect.

Thank you.

I know we've always had this unspoken rivalry.

Not a rivalry, you're just always mean to me.

And not unspoken, you talk about it all the time?

Well, anyway, since we're stuck together,

I figured we could at least be civil.

Okay, somebody needs to be in charge of the...

I'll do it. I'll do it better.

This guy doesn't even like dogs so.

See, you're even trying to embarrass me

in front of the dog lady.

"Dog lady?" Jonah, she has a name.

- Lydia. - Lydia.

Really, Lydia?

- Yeah. - Ouch.

Attention shoppers, are you thinking of having a baby,

but want to test the waters

with something that's not the same at all?

Adopt a dog today.

Hey, you forgot to clock in this morning.

Oh, yeah, I came in behind Elias and got distracted.

What's going on with his butt?

Make sure to clock in at some point

so we can start paying you.

Oh, hold up. Wait.

I haven't been paid for the last two hours?

Can't you just adjust the timesheet?

Can. Won't.

Rules are rules.

Are you being serious?

Yeah, I'm being serious,

and "what's up" with Elias's butt is he started cycling.

Obviously.

Sh...

I feel like all we ever do now is fight.

We used to have so much fun.

We would talk about everything.

Movies, music, politics...

- Politics, really? - Mm-hmm.

But now, I mean, we're supposed to get married

in a few months, and I'm starting to think

maybe we should move that up.

- Wait, what? - Oh good, a wedding!

Because then we'll be newlyweds

and we won't fight anymore.

Fine by me.

Just get it over with.

Not on Tuesday, though. I got my DJ class.

I can call my church and see

if they have an opening next week.

Oh, and I get points in the gift shop for referrals.

- No, Glenn, wait... - Customer service, thank you.

Guys, getting married is not gonna solve all these problems.

Yes, there is a honeymoon period...

Honeymoon period. Banging everywhere.

Mmm. Mmm.

Yeah, and all that banging builds a foundation

of love and trust that lasts forever.

No, marriage is hard.

It's a big deal.

It's gonna be one of the hardest things you ever do.

It's not something you just want to rush into.

Okay, hang on.

Do you guys want a black choir or a white choir?

- Black choir. - Definitely black choir.

I mean, I'm not really on board with this whole...

Yes, a black choir, of course.

We'll take Lucius and the Gang, thank you.

All right, I think you guys are all set.

So I'll be back at 6:00 to close down

and take the dogs that don't get adopted back to the shelter.

Oh, these guys aren't going back.

I'm gonna get them all adopted.

You might as well find new dogs at the junkyard or wherever.

Honestly, most of them probably won't get adopted.

But even one life saved makes it all worth it.

Wait, "one life saved"?

Yeah, we're an open admissions shelter,

meaning we do have to euthanize based on duration of stay.

So unfortunately, most of these guys, they're out of time.

- Oh, my God. - That's terrible.

Oh... oh, God no, that's not what I meant.

No, no, no.

- Oh, okay. - You won't have to kill them.

We have a service that comes in.

I'm dating the injection guy.

Yeah, he's great.

He's divorced. Most of them are at my age, so.

Yeah. Do you sell stamps?

- At the register. - Yeah, okay.

I'm gonna just... excuse me.

Oh, and dryer sheets, actually?

- Aisle 12. - 12, 12. Thank you.

I don't know why they bother calling it a shelter.

They should just call it Doggie Death Row.

I don't know why you're so upset.

I thought you'd be jumping for joy by now.

"Yay! Dead dogs! It's Jonah Christmas!"

Look, we only have until 6:00 p.m.

to get all of these dogs homes.

And the only way that we're gonna do that is by working to...

We've got to work together.

We got to work together if we're gonna do this.

- You up for that? - Yes, it's a great idea.

Great, we'll do my plan.

- Just step over the... - Okay.

Do you ever regret getting married so young?

Um, no.

I mean, I wouldn't say regret,

but I did miss out on some experiences and stuff.

Yeah, like threesomes.

- No, I didn't mean... - Like sex with Italian guys?

More like Nordic.

But I didn't mean sex, I meant life and dating

and, you know, stuff like that.

Yeah.

Like, how do I know that Bo's the one?

I mean, my friends all thought I was crazy

to go out with Bo when Cole liked me.

Who's Cole?

This guy at my school.

He's like the anti-Bo.

He's like always reading, mature, really sweet.

So why did you pick Bo?

Cause Bo's wild.

He used to smash bang-snaps on his forehead.

Cole would never do that.

He was too busy tutoring or, you know, doing debate team.

Wow.

This Cole guy sounds kind of great.

I mean, it's nice to kind of explore your options.

Even though it's probably too late now, right?