Roseanne - Tenth Season

Man, we are so lucky that ShopMore

lets us scan our own groceries.

Now we can shop without the hassle

of anybody helping us at all!

Beep!

Mom, that didn't go through.

I heard it beep.

Oh, my God. You're stealing that.

No. They're making me work as a checkout lady,

and my starting salary is bacon.

Excuse me. This young lady just smashed the lids

on all these cakes in the bakery section.

- Did you do that? - No.

Security camera caught you.

Well, then, say that first. Yes.

I'm sorry. I'll pay for these.

Harris, why don't you just go wait outside?

Oh, damn it. It's David.

That's why she smashed the cakes.

Here. Get a summer beach body.

What's going on?

He just texted to say he's coming tomorrow

for Harris' birthday party.

He must have already texted her.

Well, she should be happy to see her father.

Yeah, sure, if he actually shows up.

And he only showed up like three times in Chicago.

And the anxiety of whether he's gonna be here or not

really messes with her head.

I just have a feeling

that Harris isn't gonna be disappointed this year.

I think David is gonna show up.

Why would you think that?

Psh. No reason.

Oh, my God.

You're in touch with David behind my back.

That is so wrong!

Well, David's kinda like my son

and you're kinda like my daughter,

so of course I'm involved.

I don't want him knowing everything about my life.

All's I told him is that you lost your job,

you haven't met anybody, and sometimes you're depressed.

Here. I'll buy those cakes.

Hit it, Mary.

Beep!

"Roseanne" is taped in front of a live audience.

I talked to Harris. She's doing better.

Wow. I didn't realize she messed 'em up that bad.

Well, it's not all Harris.

You know, I needed to see what was inside some of them.

Uh, I almost wasted my time fixing up a carrot cake.

I'm sorry I yelled at you at the market.

This is just really hard for me.

I know.

You know, David's made a lot of mistakes,

but he's still a good person.

And I want my grandkids to have a father.

You think I don't want that? I don't even like kids.

He's the only person I ever wanted to replicate with.

Have you told him that?

'Cause talk like that drives men wild.

How can you defend him?

He's been running around the world building houses

for poor people in third-world countries.

Does that sound like a good person to you?

Okay. All right. Fine. But he's a bad person, too.

David can't just walk in here like everything's fine now.

Oh, he can walk in here.

Just won't be able to walk out.

You can't keep him from seeing his kids, Dan.

He's their father.

Well, if he acted like it, he'd be welcome here.

There is no reason to ever leave your family.

You may think about it, you may dream about it...

...you may gas up your bike and make sandwiches...

but you don't ever do it.

So that's what you did that day!

I knew there was no "drywall convention."

I've said too much.

- I got it!

Hello, Jackie. You look tired.

Nice outfit. I see you're trying it without the sickle.

Hey, Roseanne!

Looks like that "putting Mom in a home" thing didn't stick!

Mom, what are you doing here? What's with the suitcases?

The retirement home asked me to leave.

Why? Did they figure out you're never gonna die?

What did you do?

Nothing but live my life.

I watch TV, I play cards, I have an occasional drink,

but apparently at my age

I am not supposed to enjoy a healthy sex life.

With multiple partners

in multiple parts of the facility.

Oh, my God.

What? I had sex. Is that so difficult to imagine?

Not anymore. Now it's hard

to stop imagining.

They said I can go back if I write a letter of apology,

and I am not ready to do that.

Now, if you don't mind,

I need to get some sleep.

I bet you do.

What the hell are you doing out there?

I told you I was coming. I need to talk to you.

Give me one good reason why I should let you in.

'Cause I'm gonna fall.

Please. I'm vegan now. I have no upper-arm strength.

Why are you coming in the window, anyway?

- Does your dad still live here? - Yeah?

That's why I'm coming in through the window.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

Yeah, I just need to put my hands on my knees

and breathe hard for a second.

Oh, wow.

Aww. Heh.

They kept everything exactly the same as it was

when you guys were kids.

Oh, yeah, it's a decorating choice called "poverty."

So what'd you want to talk about?

Something I think you'll be happy to hear.

Yeah, I've heard it before, David...

You miss me, you want to get back together,

then as soon as things get real,

you run back to Deadbeats Without Borders.

Not this time.

I just, uh... I just signed a lease.

I'm moving back to Lanford. See?

I realized it's not too late to fix things.

Wow.

It's over on Fourth.

- That's so nice. - It's right by Mark's school.

Mm-hmm. I met someone.

You met someone? How'd you meet someone?

Uh, I was somewhere, and she was there, too.

It's not that unusual really.

Her name's Blue, and I've learned so much from her.

Wait. So we're just gonna blow right past the whole Blue thing?

I was hoping to, yeah.

She's made me see so many things.

I-I realized I was in denial.

I thought Harris and Mark were better off without me.

And then I realized how unfair it is, to you,

not to give you a divorce so you can have some closure.

Okay. So let me get this straight.

While I have been picking up kids' clothes,

dealing with meltdowns, cleaning up vomit,

you're dating a crayon?!

I know. I'm sorry. But she's really good for me.

And t-that's just gonna make me be better for you and the kids.

So how serious is this thing?

Mm. Blue says she won't merge our spiritual paths

until you and I sign divorce papers.

Okay, so, what if I don't want a divorce?

Why wouldn't you? We both hate me.

I-I don't know how I feel about you, David.

You come in here, you throw all this stuff at me...

I thought you would want this.

I didn't mean to stress you out.

Now I'm stressed out.

Okay, now I'm stressed out and turned on.

What am I gonna tell Blue?

Tell her she's got a stupid name.

What are you doing?

Studying your face.

Why?

You look like my kids.

That's weird. You look like mine.

You know you're gonna have to talk to Blue.

I know.

And you're really done running around saving the world?

You got that out of your system?

I got dysentery in Angola.

That gets everything out of your system.

You know, when I left you and the kids,

I rationalized that it was okay because I was helping people.

The truth is, I left because my brother died

and I was overwhelmed with all the responsibility

and I... I just ran.

And once I was out there, I was ashamed, and I-I...

Frankly, I didn't expect for you to let me talk this long, so...

Well, you were finally being honest with yourself,

so I didn't want to spook ya.

Oh. Yeah. You got to go. My dad will be up by now.

I'll call you after I talk to him

if it's safe to come back over.

No. You know what? She's my daughter.

I'm coming to her party no matter what.

David, it's really cute when you assert yourself,

but let me just prepare my dad for this.

Cute? Come on. Don't...

Why do you always have to belittle me like that?

I'm a grown man.

Okay. God. Don't be so sensitive.

Don't tell me what not to be.

Fine. Then do be less sensitive.

All right. How about this?

You be less controlling, and I'll be less sensitive.

You know what? Let's not do this.