Teachers

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Could I please grab one horchata

and two breakfast tacos?

- Sure, $3. - Okay.

Thank you.

- Declined. - You sure, man?

This is my good card.

One second.

You know, uh, on second thought,

I'll just grab the horchata, please.

- $1.50. - Sir...

I am a teacher, and by providing me

with a small donation of 50 cents today,

you'll give me the energy to go into my classroom

and mold the young little heroes

who might one day make our nation

as great as the one portrayed

in Aaron Sorkin's "The West Wing."

Third teacher who couldn't pay today.

- Oh, for real? - Adios.

Why in the ever-loving Satan

does Midol take so long to kick in?

- You're on your period too? - Wow.

We've all gotten the girl flu at the exact same time

- for the last four months. - It's the McClintock effect.

You mean Jessica McClintock? The midrange prom dress mogul?

No, it's named after Martha McClintock,

the scientist who first figured out

that when women spend a lot of time together,

their periods sync up.

What's your bitch-head looking at?

- Morning. - Hi.

Hello. What a beautiful morning.

Wow, someone's in a good mood.

Well, it's easy when your faith in romance

has been restored. Oh, my gosh.

You finally found someone?

Now you won't have to cry in your car at recess anymore.

No, that's not it.

Two of my students have found love.

And you care because?

Well, it's no secret that my Prince Charming

is arriving on a very slow horse,

so much so that I had begun to think

that maybe love wasn't real after all,

but witnessing Craimy's love has renewed my hope.

Who's Craimy?

Craig and Amy.

They're my students,

and they've been dating for two weeks.

It's been magical.

You should see them on the swing set together.

It's like "Splendor in the Grass."

Sorry.

That was my last dollar... like, ever.

Yeah, it's because teachers are paid crap.

It's part of the 1%'s conspiracy to keep the masses

- dumb and compliant. - I'm so sick of being poor.

I have to let medical students practice Botox injections

on my face for an hourly fee.

I mean, I have to. Damien and I are so broke,

we have to Airbnb our tiny house

and sleep in his van three times a week.

I've been eating the same dinners

as the prisoners on "Lockup: Raw,"

all of my credit cards are maxed out,

and they're about to shut off my Cricket phone.

I'm sorry, Feldman.

I wish I could relate, but I have a trust fund.

My bank account was in better shape during college

when I was slinging sandwiches at Sub-urbia.

Have you ever made a budget?

That's the thing I was trying to think of

that stops you from having no money.

Okay, number munchers, today for math,

we're gonna do a super fun project called:

Can a budget get Ms. F out of the money dumper?

So let's get ready to peep-fist, you guys.

Each month, Ms. F has to pay rent.

So rent would be $450.

Ms. F also needs a big pile of money

for life's essentials... car payments, food,

and recreational concert enhancers, right?

9...

hundo.

Also, 800 bucks in student loans

to the goons at Sallie Mae,

despite the fact that Ms. F told them

she died two years ago.

'Kay, so that would be $800.

This is how much money

Ms. F makes each month as your teacher

after taxes are stolen from her.

So how much money is Ms. F gonna have left over

at the end of each month?

Really curious about this one.

Hey, Ayo.

You already got the answer, don't ya?

Wanna try sharing it with the rest of the class?

N-no.

My stu...

s-stutter.

Aw, that's okay, buddy.

Hey, maybe next time, huh?

Zero dollars are left over.

Whoa, are you kidding, Lauren?

You don't make enough money to pay your bills.

No, no, no, is this the answer

that everyone here came up with?

You're broke.

It's hot as balls.

Tell me about it.

At rapture camp,

sometimes the kids leave the basketballs out

and forget to put them back in the equipment shed,

and boy, oh, boy, I have never touched hotter balls.

Oh, stop.

Normally your Jesus camp stories are hilarious,

but when I'm on the rag, they just make me sad.

Hold me!

I just wanna share my emotions with you!

Ladies... um, valued educators, rather,

I am canceling today's faculty meetings

scheduled during everyone's free period... free hour.

I just feel like everyone could use some time to rest up

and indulge in any food cravings you may have...

I gotta go.

What was that about?

He knows we're all on our period.

That's not funny.

How could Principal Pearson know such private information

about our... cha-cha-chas?

Who cares how he knows?

- This is huge for us. - How?

A woman's period is a man's kryptonite.

We can use this to get whatever we want.

Okay, class, everyone pick a reading partner,

except Craig and Amy.

You two are obviously already partners.

But, Ms. Watson, I wanted to be Amy's partner.

Megan, don't be that girl.

Oh, and at recess, everyone stay off the swings, okay?

The swings are Craig and Amy's special place.

Amy? Can I talk to you for a second?

Do you understand what this means?

Getting a snack cake from a boy when you're eight

is like a man taking you to Aspen when you're 30.

He's really serious about you, Amy.

Now you can skip 20 years of crushing your own self-worth

and having pictures of other people's children

- on your refrigerator. - Okay.

Love is real.

Excuse me, sir.

Chaz Machacha.

I thought you'd be in college by now.

Hello, A.J. I haven't seen you

since you stuffed my Saturn's tailpipe full of torpedo rolls.

Which I only did because you told the manager

I was a picking a wedgie behind the counter, you snitch.

Well, guess who's the manager now,

ass-picker.

Okay. Quick question.

You hiring part-time by any chance, Chaz?

Chaz?

It's Mr. Machacha.

You hiring part-time

by any chance, Mr. Machacha?

I'm only looking to hire

an assistant night manager right now.

Oh, great, I gotta teach during the day.

Let's get a couple things straight.

The assistant night manager

is the person who works directly beneath me,

so you'd have to be on call 24/7 in case of a sub emergency.

Dude, I can't be on call when I'm teaching.

Then sayonara, butt-spelunker.

Sub-urbia's kicking my butt.

Juggling two jobs is way harder than I thought it would be,

and I smell like hard salami.

Oh...

There he is. Go on. Drop the P-bomb.

Excuse me, I am feeling very irritable

from all the bleeding and diarrhea from my period.

I need to rest.

Do you think you can find a TV

so my kids can watch a movie instead of me teaching?

Oh!

Oh, my uterus! It's gonna explode!

Your balls are next!

Okay! Okay! I can get a TV for you.

Great.

So this calzone pocket is the Earth.

If the outside of the calzone pocket

is the Earth's crust, what does the cheese represent?

Does anyone have an idea?

David? The molten core?

Great. Nice work.

You knew that answer, didn't you, Ayo?

Boy, I sure wish you'd show everyone else how smart you are.

You know, I heard that people who stutter