MASH - Sixth Season (M*A*S*H)

Somebody put "X" before "W." I did.

Why? I lost my head in the heat of battle.

I got it!

Beatcha!

MASH 4077. Colonel Potter.

Yes.

I'm the C. O.

What?

Well, that's impossible. There must be some mistake.

I've seen the man work. I can assure you, Colonel,

there is no need for an investigation.

Very well. If you insist.

It's none of my business, sir, but your lips are turning white.

Provost marshal's office. They're sending a colonel up here to investigate B. J.

Wow! Claim he's an impostor, not a doctor.

Ooh! He took some blood out of my arm the other day.

Radar, the man's a doctor.

Whoa, Habibi! Easy! Easy, Habibi!

Don't bump your humps. What do you want?

Bad timing, my faithful camel.

Camel, my butt.

Isn't she a magnificent beast? A two‐humper.

Easy. Easy. Whoa, Habibi. Whoa. Stop that!

Sorry, sir. High‐spirited camels spit.

Why is it Tuesdays are always the worst? Isn't she a beauty, sir?

Those gleaming yellow teeth, set against her brown camel‐hair coat.

Klinger, I'm gonna write home to my mom about this one.

With Habibi's permission, oh "bespeckled" one of the pale flesh.

Look at her, Colonel. Gracious transportation with economy.

A thousand miles per hump.

‐ Klinger, I got a big problem. Now blow. ‐ As you command, sahib.

Come, oh faithful ship of the desert.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

I can hear the call of the oasis now.

Sir, I know there was no camel in here, but there's a smell.

Lebanese aftershave.

Two trays, Klinger? One for me and one for my camel, Habibi.

Oh. Is your camel with you?

Right at my side.

I surmised that was the case.

Klinger, can I make a personal observation?

Sure. Oh! Cease! Stop curling your lips.

You'll get your potatoes.

If you'd take all the energy you devote to these discharge schemes...

and put it into prayer,

the war would be over and you'd be home.

My Toledo priest is working on that.

Hold the meat loaf. A camel is not a carnivore.

No spitting. Watch the spitting.

Ah, tapioca!

But if you want the finest tapioca in the world, get thee to a nunnery.

So why don't I drop over to your tent around 9:30 tonight?

I'll bring a canteen of gin and some Fig Newtons and, uh, we'll, uh‐‐

Cheese it, the cops. Hawkeye.

Father. Jennifer. Father.

Don't let me interrupt. Oh, no. Nothing important.

We were discussing the ups and downs of doctor/nurse relationships.

Always the professional. Oh, yeah.

Sir, can I eat? It's meat loaf. Enjoy the mystery.

Hawkeye, where's B. J.? Am I my doctor's keeper?

I've got to see him. Something very important. What's up?

There's a provost marshal coming here. He's going to investigate B. J.

Claims he's an impostor, not a doctor.

I could have told you that. He's a piano player in a bawdy house.

Wild talk today. Your tapioca's blushing.

I told this colonel it's crazy, but they're still investigating.

Who's investigating? The provost marshal.

Who? Me? You.

Say you're not a doctor. Shucks, I knew they'd find out.

Excuse me. Don't go. After B. J. exposes himself,

there's gonna be dancing. Oh, sure.

It goes on and on. I think he's a spy.

‐ Are you a spy? ‐ I'm not allowed to say.

Pierce, I've had a bad day.

What league are the Brooklyn Dodgers in?

‐ League of Women Voters. ‐ So far he's right.

Who got down on one knee and sang "Mammy"?

Father Mulcahy. Right again.

I prefer to observe rather than participate in this.

Colonel Potter, I must talk to you right away.

Is it medical? No, it's personal.

Not now, Major. It's important!

It's always important!

When's the last time I came to you? I ask so little.

‐ And she gives so much. ‐ You stay out of this!

‐ I'm out! I'm out! ‐ Please, Colonel, I must see you right away.

All right. In my office in half an hour.

The army has no gratitude.

Talk to the owners. Listen, you guys, serious up.

That colonel will be here this afternoon.

Come on. This is ridiculous. The army has all my credentials‐‐

Acme Medical School. Residency at Joe's Hospital and Auto Supply.

And then there's my practice at Schultz's Mortuary.

I know all that, but this Colonel What's‐his‐name‐‐

Bardonaro‐‐ sounded pretty sure of himself.

W‐Wait a minute. Is that Leo Bardonaro?

‐ That's the bird. ‐

The spy laughed, refusing both cigarette and blindfold.

Leo Bardonaro is an old friend of mine from Stanford.

Stationed not far from here. He lives for practical jokes.

I knew there had to be a herring in the pickle barrel.

This whole bit must be his way of saying he's gonna come see me this afternoon.

You're not a spy? Sorry.

You've ruined my whole evening. I was gonna take a date to your execution.

Yeah. You gotta watch out for this guy.

You never know what he's gonna do. He was best man at my wedding.

Formal occasion, so he wore a white towel and black tie.

No carnation? My honeymoon, he put a lizard in my alligator bag.

So your bag wouldn't be lonely. Naturally.

Yo, B. J.!

Leo! Hey, how you doing? Great. Great.

Good to see you. Leo Bardonaro, Hawkeye Pierce.

Uh‐‐ Just checking for a hand buzzer.

Oh, come on. Kid stuff. No imagination.

Hey, listen. You really had our C. O. going crazy earlier.

Really? That's great.

How 'bout a belt? Uh, did he make it?

No, no, no. I manufacture. He's just a shipping clerk.

Oh, good. Cigar? No, thanks.

Oh. B. J.? Sure.

What, are you crazy? It's probably loaded.

Kid stuff. We gave that up 10 years ago.

Our practical jokes are creative. We don't put bombs in cigars.

It spoils the taste. I'll take that one.

Eh‐‐ Here. Gimme that. Here.

Hey, remember that time in the dean's office?

Mmm!

One time‐‐ One time we stole a taxicab.

Took it apart completely and put it back together in the dean's office.

With the meter running, I hope. Ran it up to 800 bucks.

Mm.

What do you call this stuff?

‐ Old underwear. ‐ Strained through G.I. skivvies.

Terrific. Leo, what brings you up to the boonies?

I'm goin' home.

Hey, I had to say good‐bye. Got my orders in my jacket. I'm heading stateside.

You dog. I would give anything to go home. What, are you homesick?

He cries himself to sleep so often, he's gotta wear water wings to bed.

It's lucky you bunk with a guy that's got a sense of humor.

He's serious.

Hey, I got a plane to catch. What time is it?

It's 1:30. 1:30. Bye.

Wait a sec. You just got here.

Well, listen. I gotta cut it short.

If you're ever in America, be sure and look me up. I'm in the book.

Where do you live? What‐‐ Where do I live? Philly.

My father's in Crabapple Cove, Maine. Would you call him, Leo?

Why? Is his name Leo too?

No jokes. Just tell him I'm fine, and I'm happy he's not here.

Glad to do it. Sure. Hey, B. J.

Hey, Leo. All right, buddy. Take care of yourself.

I'll call Peg as soon as we land in Frisco.

Would you? I'd appreciate that. I couldn't resist...

the provost marshal bit.

No problem. No problem. Sorry, fella.

Hawkeye, it's been a pleasure. Me too.

Bye. Yo!

He gotcha! He gotcha!

Oh, he gotcha!

But I must get to Tokyo. I must see Donald!

No, I can't spare you. Three days!

Nope.

Colonel, may I be clinical? Shoot.

It's important for Donald's morale and personal well‐being.

You see, Donald is a man, and you know how men are.

You've been away from Mrs. Potter a long time.

Surely, you must feel... yearnings.

Yeah, she does make a hell of a raisin cupcake.

You've forgotten what it's like to be young!

Listen, missy, I don't take those cold showers just 'cause I'm dirty.

Well, then you do understand.

I mean, Donald is very virile.

Here's the supply record. Will you butt out! This is man talk!

I'm sorry, sir!

Colonel, please, let me put it another way.

How's he doing? His vital signs still aren't stable.

Give him another unit of plasma and continue I. V. s as ordered.

Uh, Captain Hunnicutt?

The tall chap in the bowling shoes.

I know who he is. These M. P. s wanna see him.

B.J., didn't you see the No Parking sign by the latrine?

I only stopped to mail a letter.

Captain Hunnicutt? The same.

We're from the provost marshal, and I'm sorry to say you're under arrest, sir.

Bardonaro again.

His way of saying good‐bye? Probably.

Look, uh, Sergeant. This is all a big joke. I'm very busy.

We've got a lot of people to tend to here. Captain, this is no joke.

Here's the arrest order.

By order of Major General Fox? Who's Fox?

Short, red‐haired guy with the long nose, steals chickens.

I'm afraid you'll have to come along, Captain.

‐ Oh, bull! ‐ Now, sir.

Blow, will you? I'm busy. I‐I'll get the colonel.

Look, guy. This is all a joke.

Forget it and I'll get you some silk stockings.

Sorry. Then how about some for your girl?

I went to school with this guy. He's a captain.

Biggest practical joker in the world. Do you read me?

Bottle of scotch? How about a free operation? Appendix? Gallstones?