Shrinking

So we flew on a PJ... That's a private jet.

'Cause I'm already COO of the company, you know?

First one under 40.

But I like to say that I'm also COO in the bedroom.

That's a joke.

But it is also 100% true.

Will you excuse me for a minute?

I, um, might need to use the restroom.

Might?

Okay.

- I have some feedback. - What the fuck are you doing here?

Alan, for months in our sessions,

I've listened to you obsess about ending up alone.

You've described these bad dates with superficial women

- as though they're the problem? - What is happening? Don't eat my fries.

Listen, the trickiest part about therapy

is that sometimes a patient can be an unreliable narrator.

So, I started to wonder if maybe you were completely full of shit.

Now I know. You're full of shit, Alan.

- You need to go. - No, no, no.

This is good news, because now we can get down to work.

This guy that I was listening to, that's not you.

I want you to start letting these women see the kind, charming,

vulnerable guy that I've met in our sessions.

Here she comes.

Just be you.

- Fuck off. - Be you.

- - I cried four times today.

Oh, my God.

- Whoa! - Shit! Fuck!

Shit fuck? You gotta look up.

I'm sorry. For being in the pool house.

Excuse me?

'Cause you're definitely staying in the pool house,

so there's no reason for you to be in my kitchen.

You can use regular sarcasm with me,

because all that complicated shit you just did is...

I think it's a little unnecessary.

I was cleaning up. Old army habit.

Wait, what happened to the orchid that was on the counter?

That pot of dirt with the stick in it?

I threw it out. I thought it had passed.

You thought it had passed?

I did. Was it a friend of yours? I'm very sorry for your loss.

Don't touch shit that's not yours.

Okay.

- I'ma get it out of the trash. - No, just forget it. Just forge...

It's okay. You want it, you got it. One zombie orchid coming right up.

- May I help you? - Just, uh, looking for a dead plant.

That is not your trash.

Okay. Let's start over.

So, my name is Sean, and I'm guessing you're Karen?

- It's Pam. - Pam, the family knows him.

Why don't you go home and post some shit on Nextdoor

on how the neighborhood's changing?

He's staying with us, Pam.

Were you dropping off some welcome muffins?

Wait, the guy that almost beat someone to death is staying with you?

- Jimmy, what the fuck are you doing? - It's fine. Alice is cool with it.

No, I'm not. But I agree Pam's a racist.

- I'm moving into VA housing. - Hey, you don't owe her an explanation.

Why am I the bad guy?

Liz and I are just trying to protect the neighborhood.

Uh... Stop. There's no "Liz and I."

- You need me over here, babe? - No.

Ugh, thank God.

- Hey, Jimmy. - Hey, Derek.

- Hey, Pam. - Hey.

No. There's no "Hey, Pam." We don't like Pam.

Got it.

Eat a dick, Pam.

- -

I like that guy.

["Frightening Fishes" by Benjamin Gibbard playing]

Hey. Tia and I used to do this hike with Gaby and her husband.

That's a great story.

- Give me a signal if your heart stops. - Okay.

- I'll probably just go with vomiting. -

- Hey. - Hey, Brian.

Just on a hike with my dad.

- That's too mean. -

How do you know everybody?

I live two blocks from here and nobody's waved at me.

Fuck you.

That was almost a wave.

How does he have friends? Seriously.

Such a bad guy.

Really good at punching though. So... So strong.

Hey. Let's get some drinks tonight.

We can invite Gaby.

I didn't get to see her much when you cut me out of your life

for being too kind and supportive.

Yeah. I haven't hung out with her much lately either.

Unfortunately without Tia, Gaby thinks that we're old and boring.

What?

Well, let's show her how we did it in college.

Except for, you know, much earlier and with way fewer drinks,

and a lot less of me declaring I'm an absolute pussy hound.

- Aw, I miss straight Brian. - Yeah.

He used to say things like, "Aren't vulvas gorgeous?"

Are they not?

- I mean, they're all right. - Oh.

Yeah.

They're not like, the main attraction, or anything.

- Right. Right. - Yeah.

Blood work looks good.

Ah, your cholesterol has gone up a smidge.

Do you remember that talk we had about eating healthier?

- I do. I ignored it. - Mmm. Terrific.

It took us a while but we found the right combination of meds.

Your reflexes, motor skills, all seem great.

Good.

How is your emotional health?

I know what's coming, you know? I just...

I try not to dwell.

Whenever I need it, I put on one of my favorite sad songs

and just let myself grieve for 15 straight minutes.

- -

But once my alarm beeps, I shake it off, and get the fuck on with my life.

- Hey. - Hey.

Cute dress. What's the occasion?

It's the first day with my new car. I gotta make an effort.

Yeah, I still need a name for her.

I was thinking about Shadowfax,

which everybody knows is the name of Gandalf's horse in Lord of the Rings.

- Nobody knows that. - Okay, but that's what makes it cool.

I was also considering Deborah,

Mildred and, um, Barack.

But I don't know.

Hey, why don't I pick you up, and then take you to your meeting later?

That way, you can see how lil Debbie handles?

Oh, shit. I just made my choice.

No, thanks.

I just can't listen to your music today.

Cool.

- Have a good day. -

New Tesla, bitch.

- - Whoa!

Are you fucking serious?

Oh, my God.

This fucking car is brand-new.

Dude!

New car, huh? Nice. Were you backing up?

It's not my fault.

Gaby's new car's got an enormous bumper.

Oh, so you're saying Debbie was asking for it?

That's a great name. She looks like a Debbie.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- Hey, talk to him. - Oh, I don't want to.

- I know, but you have to. - Don't make me do it.

Okay, you're a little dick.

Paul, you think it's safe for you to still be driving?

You know? With the Parkinson's?

I passed the mandatory motor skills test a few months ago.

I'm just a shitty driver.

You think it's worth the risk though, you know? I can just drive you to work.

No, it's, like, way out of your way.

I live a block away from you. I can take you.

You're a lot in the morning.

What? Exsqueeze me?

- I'll drive myself. - Oh, my God.

- - Hey, I think you're fun in the morning.

You do? Thank you.

Well, maybe next time you can fucking say something. Okay?

Sorry.

I'm taking my car in. You're picking me up later, fucker.

Why did they think the Parkinson's caused the accident?

Because it can interfere with your ability to judge distances.

That blows.

No, it doesn't blow, 'cause that's not what happened.

I meant, it will blow. Eventually.

Thank you for clarifying.

So, did you do it? Did you have your dinner with your dad?

If we have dinner right now, he'll just act like a total idiot.

He might. He often does.

Maybe I'll fuck it up.

I'm not really a great hang right now.

I wasn't gonna say.

You haven't even offered me a pretzel.

Everything's… …putting me in a shitty mood.

Even a plant being thrown away.

It wasn't even my mom's favorite plant or anything,

I just pictured her watering it.

Grief's a crafty little fucker.

Sneaks up on you.

I have something you can try.

Takes about 15 minutes.

Are you gonna tell me or…

Well, my mouth is a little dry.

Stole your snacks.

- Oh, you look great. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, man.

I know this is your time and you love these workouts and everything,

but I'm sort of spinning out about something over here.

- Do you mind if we leave a little early? - I could go. Yeah.

- Hey. - Hey.