Dead Man's Curve

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TRIMARK HOME VIDEO

[PEOPLE CHATTERING OUTSIDE]

TIM?

CHRIS?

I NAILED IT.

REALLY?

YEAH.

THAT'S GREAT. NOW WE DON'T HAVE TO DO IT.

RIGHT.

PERFECT. I KNOW. I WAS HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS, TOO.

I MEAN, IT'S...

WELL, IT WAS A PRETTY RADICAL IDEA.

YEAH. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE WERE THINKING.

IT SCARED YOU ENOUGH TO GET AN A, THOUGH, DIDN'T IT?

YOU SHOULD BE ONE OF THOSE MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKERS--

ONE OF THOSE GUYS ON THE INFOMERCIALS.

YOU KNOW, "HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU WANT TO MAKE?"

WITH ONE 900 CALL, YOU COULD--

ASSHOLE.

WHAT?

PLEASE.

DID YOU REALLY THINK

I WASN'T GOING TO CHECK THE GRADES MYSELF?

LIKE I'M JUST GOING TO TRUST YOU?

I STILL HAVE TIME. WE CAN GO TO MY PROFESSOR--

FUCK YOU. IT'S SETTLED.

COME ON, CHRIS.

COME ON.

Comic: HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD ABOUT THIS WEIRD POLICY

THEY HAVE NOW AT MOST UNIVERSITIES?

BACK ME UP IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

IF YOUR ROOMMATE COMMITS SUICIDE,

YOU GET AN AUTOMATIC 4.0 FOR THE SEMESTER.

YEAH, APPARENTLY WITH THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TRAUMA,

THEY FEEL YOU DESERVE THIS.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

YOUR ROOMMATE KILLS HIMSELF,

AND YOU GET STRAIGHT As.

THIS KIND OF TAKES THE HEAT OFF FINALS,

DON'T YOU THINK?

THIS IS LIKE GIVING YOU A LICENSE TO KILL.

I FIGURED THIS OUT. YOU CAN GO THROUGH 4 YEARS,

ONLY KILL 8 PEOPLE,

GRADUATE WITH A SUMMA CUM LAUDE.

"HEY, TAD, WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR?"

"007."

Chris: I'M WORRIED ABOUT MY ROOMMATE.

I THINK HE MIGHT BE SUICIDAL.

MAYBE YOU COULD TELL ME

WHAT SIGNS I SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR.

Doctor: OK. UM...

SUICIDAL SIGNS.

Chris: WHERE ARE WE GOING TO GET THE TEQUILA?

AT THE HOUSE, YOU IDIOT.

DON'T CALL ME AN IDIOT, ASSHOLE.

WELL, LET'S NOT ACT LIKE A MORON, YOU IDIOT.

Doctor: WELL, THE USUAL STUFF, I GUESS--

SPENDING A LOT OF TIME ALONE,

DESPONDENT,

OVERLY DEFENSIVE.

Chris: UM, COULD YOU BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC?

Chris: HOLD ON. IF WE'RE ALL DRINKING THE TEQUILA,

AREN'T WE ALL GOING TO GET DRUNK?

NO. I'M GOING TO MIX LEMON JUICE AND WATER TOGETHER,

PUT IT IN A TEQUILA BOTTLE,

AND THAT'S WHAT YOU AND I ARE GOING TO BE DRINKING.

Doctor: WELL, I'D ALWAYS BE CONCERNED

ABOUT ANYONE WHO UNDERLINES PASSAGES

IN THE BELL JAR.

Chris: HE'S NOT MUCH OF A READER.

Tim: HEY, POE'S GOOD.

AREN'T THEY GOING TO WONDER WHERE WE ARE?

I DON'T KNOW. IF WE DITCH A KEG PARTY FOR 20 MINUTES,

YOU THINK THEY'LL SEND THE DOGS OUT?

Chris: ANYTHING ELSE?

Doctor: ALL RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT LISTENING TO DEPRESSING MUSIC?

THAT'S GOOD. ANYONE IN PARTICULAR?

Chris: HOW ABOUT THIS? HANSON.

HANSON? WHAT DO YOU WANT HIM TO DO,

GRAB A RIFLE AND HEAD FOR THE NEAREST WATCH TOWER?

Doctor: SUZANNE VEGA,

THE SMITHS,

THE CURE--

ANYTHING FROM THE EIGHTIES.

SUZANNE VEGA,

THE SMITHS, THE CURE.

DO YOU GUYS KNOW WE HAVE A SALE ON JOY DIVISION?

Chris: WHAT ABOUT THE SUICIDE NOTE?

Tim: WHAT ABOUT IT?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO PUT IT?

I DON'T KNOW. HADN'T REALLY THOUGHT THAT THROUGH YET.

IT'S PRETTY IMPORTANT.

BECAUSE WE GOT TO STICK TOGETHER ON THIS, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

YEAH. RIGHT?

RIGHT. RIGHT.

OH, GIVE ME THIS.

YOU CAN'T LIGHT UP IN HERE.

THANKS. IT'S FOR LATER. GO PAY FOR THAT, WOULD YOU?

MAN.

THE RECEIPT? YEAH.

AH, I'LL TAKE THAT.

LIKE YOU NEED THE DEDUCTION.

Chris: WHAT ABOUT MOVIES?

OK.

ANY PERIOD PIECE...

SCANDINAVIAN FILMS...

AND...

ANYTHING BY A FIRST-TIME WRITER-DIRECTOR.

I HATE THOSE.

IS THIS HELPFUL?

Girl: YOU'RE THIRD.

Girl: OH, I'M SO SICK OF THIS GAME.

YOU'RE SICK OF IT BECAUSE YOU SUCK AT IT.

WHO'S GOT THE TIME?

YOU GOT 10 SECONDS.

I'LL TIME.

REMEMBER, NONE OF THAT "SOUNDS LIKE."

OK. ALL RIGHT. OK.

BABY, IT'S YOU AND ME TOGETHER.

LET'S TAKE THESE BASTARDS DOWN. YOU READY?

RAND, I'M REALLY NOT FEELING VERY WELL.

NATALIE, DON'T FUCK ME.

Tim: READY...

GO.

OK, EASY ONE-- DISNEY RAT.

MICKEY MOUSE.

BEAUTIFUL. OK, OK.

HE KILLED HIMSELF. HIS DAUGHTER KILLED HERSELF.

I THINK HE'S IN A GAP AD.

I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S A WRITER. OLD MAN AND THE SEA--

HE WROTE IT. ERNEST HEMINGWAY.

BEAUTIFUL. EASY.

GAP AD.

FUCK.

OK, OK.

SHORTSTOP FOR THE CUBS. "LET'S PLAY 2."

SHE'S A CANADIAN. SHE'S A GIRL. SHE'LL NEVER GET IT.

OH, CUBS. CUBS.

BASEBALL. COME ON.

COME ON, DON'T BE AN IDIOT.

COME ON, BASEBALL. MR. BASEBALL.

TOM SELLECK.

NO! JESUS CHRIST, HE'S A HALL OF FAMER.

HE'S GOT THE SECOND HIGHEST HOME RUN TOTAL

IN THE MAJOR LEAGUE.

CAL RIPKEN JUST BROKE HIS RECORD. COME ON!

HIS FIRST NAME IS A SESAME STREETCHARACTER.

BERT?

AND TIME.

AW.

THIS IS THE LAST TIME THAT YOU AND I ARE PARTNERS.

I'M SORRY, RAND. I DON'T KNOW BASEBALL.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T STOP WATCHING

THE FASHION CHANNEL.

Emma: OUR TURN.

HEY, RAND, HOW MANY DID YOU GET?

I GOT 2.

HOW MANY?

I GOT 2.

WE GOT 2. 2 IS GOOD.

NO. 2's NOT GOOD.

2 SUCKS, OK? I'VE NEVER GOT LESS THAN 5.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU READY? YEAH.

HEY, NO, NO, NO. PUT IT BACK.

I DIDN'T SEE IT.

PUT IT BACK.

PUT IT BACK. PUT IT BACK.

IT'S BACK.

I'M NOT GOING UNTIL YOU PUT IT BACK.

LET'S ALL STRESS OUT A LITTLE.

DON'T CHEAT. IF YOU DON'T CHEAT, YOU WON'T STRESS.

OK, READY? AND...GO.

THE GUY RAND WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT.

ERNIE BANKS.

ALL RIGHT. UM, UM...

ALL RIGHT, WHO PUT THIS IN?

CHAIRMAN OF THE FED.

ALAN GREENSPAN. THANK YOU.

NOW, THAT IS NOT SO BAD FOR A SCHOLARSHIP STUDENT.

UM, ALL RIGHT. STAR SPANGLED BANNER.

FRANCIS SCOTT KEY.

DRILL ME.

OK. HE'S A SENATOR.

HE'S OLD.

SCRAWNY NECK. HE'S SOUTHERN.

STROM THURMOND.

NO, NO, THE OTHER ONE.

HE'S THE GUY WHO WANTED TO ABOLISH THE ARTS.

OH, CHRIST.

THAT'S 10 SECONDS.NOT IT.

COME ON, YOU KNOW THIS ONE.

HE'S FROM NORTH CAROLINA.

HE'S--HE'S THE RACIST SENATOR.

WHICH ONE?

THERE'S ONLY, LIKE, 50 OF THEM.