Mom

- Morning. - Good morning.

Who's ready for some first day of law school breakfast?

You got up early to cook for me?

If it pleases the court,

I'd like to introduce these pancakes into evidence.

And I will happily tamper with it.

I also packed you some snacks.

A healthy one and one you'll actually eat.

Aw, you would've made someone a great mom.

I'm gonna let that slide

because I can't belie this day is finally...

I know! I'm so proud of me.

Oh, yeah, boy, that's what I was about to say.

I wrote something.

"Christy, 40 years ago... "

It's just that normally I am not a big fan of me,

but today I woke up and I was like, "I am a freakin' miracle."

Hey, look it, "miracle" is the exact word I use in my thing.

"Christy, 40 years ago... "

When I got sober, I said,

"I am gonna go to law school," and here I am,

actually going to law school.

When I was drinking, I'd say, "Oh, I want to get a Slurpee,"

and I couldn't make it happen.

Well, my thing touches on your bad days in a more elegant way,

but your example's good, too.

I mean, isn't it crazy?

I used to run from the law and now I'm running towards it.

Wow, that's good, I wish I'd thought of that.

"Christy, 40 years ago... "

The best part is, no one in any of my classes

will know what I used to be like.

They will just see a super smart future lawyer

because I've changed and I'm also wearing a blazer.

Yeah. You do look smart.

Oh, I got to go.

You got this, baby.

For the first time in my life, I really think I do.

Damn it.

Looks like I got a couple minutes. Tell me your thing.

Oh.

"Christy, 40 years ago, when I spread my legs

and launched you into the world... "

So, I met this really cute dermatologist,

When I was at the dermatologist,

and you'll never guess what happened.

- He asked you out. - He asked me out.

Now y'all get ready to be proud of me 'cause I told him,

"I'm four months' sober and I can't date till I have a year."

Then later he texted me and said,

"233 days to go." The day after that, "232."

And the day after that,

- "231." - Wrap it up.

Anyway, looks like I'm gonna marry a dermatologist,

go which is as good as marrying a vampire.

You never get old. Thanks.

- Bonnie, alcoholic. - Hi, Bonnie.

We my wedding this weekend.

At first I thought it was gonna be torture,

and then it hit me...

This is a day all about me, planned by me, starring me.

Isn't that every day?

Maybe I always hated weddings because, deep down,

I was afraid no one would ever... love me enough

to want to marry me.

Now I feel bad.

But sobriety changed me into someone

who's totally marry-able.

My only regret is waiting till I was 49 to do it.

Would anyone else like to go?

I would. Christy, alcoholic.

Hi, Christy.

So, today was my first day of law school.

Which is, uh, kind of the culmination of a lifelong dream.

And guess what.

It was terrifying.

Like "running out of booze in Utah" terrifying.

Before we begin this morning,

I would like you all to look to your left,

look to your right.

By the end of the year,

one of you will not be here.

Wait-wait, what's happening here?

I knew law school was gonna be intense.

I just kind of thought we would ease into it.

You know, go around the room

and talk about why we want to be lawyers.

No, it was, "Tell me the relevance of this case,"

and "Analyze the implications of that decision."

And it's totally unfair

that the other kids don't have to juggle homework,

a full-time job, AA,

Gamblers Anonymous, and a mom who watches

Property Brothers and then has to talk about it.

And, yeah, I called myself a kid.

If she gets to be 49, then I get to be a kid.

Adam, we got to go. Why are you drinking a beer?

Because beer is awesome?

You have no idea where we're going.

I do so. We're going to the, um...

- The Lakeside Terrace... - Lakeside Terrace! Right. See, I know.

Because... ? Because of the reason we agreed on.

Come on, I told you all this stuff.

- It's a possible wedding venue... - Venue! Venue, yeah.

Oh, my God.

I know. You never remember anything I tell you,

and yet you can recall every friggin' detail

about a basketball game you saw four years ago.

When the Warriors won their first championship

and they beat the Cavaliers in six, it was epic.

Two games went to OT.

Yeah, I get it.

You only remember what's important to you.

Classic case of Manzheimer's.

Look, getting married is important to me,

but, you know, where we do it...

what we're wearing, the color of the pigeons, isn't.

Pigeons?

All I know is that it's gonna be

the best day of my life no matter what.

I hate it when you say nice things when I'm mad at you.

Look, let's save ourselves a million arguments.

You plan the wedding, and I'll show up.

Really?

Absolutely. Do whatever makes you happy.

Mm-hmm. You swear you won't complain

- about the things I choose? - I swear.

- What if I want a mariachi band? - I say olé.

What about a chocolate fountain?

I'll shove my whole head in it.

I want our officiant to be a mime.

- Bluffing. You're afraid of mimes. - I am not.

Very funny. That's enough

Stop it. Seriously, stop it.

Thank you. Happy anniversary.

Cheap old bastards.

Christy, where are you going?

My last table just left. I'm out of here.

No, no, no, no. Cindy just went home sick.

I need you to cover her tables for the rest of the night.

What? No, no, no, I-I can't. It's my first week...

First week of law school, I know. We all know.

I haven't talked about it that much.

Max, what's new with Christy?

Law school, look left, look right, very scary.

Well, it was scary.

And so is the mountain of reading

I have to do tonight. See you tomorrow.

Christy!

Christy...

I do not have the emotional capacity

to deal with you right now.

My marriage is crumbling right in front of me.

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Because I don't blab to everyone about the flight attendant

my husband met on the way back from Cincinnati.

Okay, but I really...

You are staying. Go check on table six.

I'll be in my office doing crunches,

preparing for my new life as a single 40-year-old man.

That's 85 in gay years!

Hey.

You asked me.

Hi.

I'm Christy. I will be your server

for the rest of the evening.

I know I look stressed and unhappy,

but don't let that diminish your dining experience.

Damn it!

Huh?

How could you?

Bonnie, wake up. You're dreaming.

- You son of a bitch. - What?

You cheated on me.

You were dreaming.

Who with?

As if you don't know.

I-I really don't.

Louise from Trader Joe's.

And when I caught you, you just shrugged

and said, "What's the big deal?"

You can't blame me for something I did

- in your dream. - Watch me.

Going at it like a couple of middle-aged bunnies

right there on top of the prewashed lettuce.

- Hey. - Hey.

What are you doing up?

- Adam's cheating on me. - What?

It was in a dream, but that doesn't make it any less real.

Why are you home so late?

I had to cover for another waitress.

I got rid of all of her tables by 10:00 except for one.

They had their coffee, I'm about to drop the check,

and this douche gets down on one knee

and proposes to his stupid girlfriend.

I had to take pictures,

and she had to cry and call everyone she's ever met.

It was disgusting.

Well, she may be happy now, but as soon as that ring

goes on the finger, that's when they start cheating.