Revenge of the Boogeyman

What,

the hell?

Hey, Jamie, can we dial it down a bit in there?

Jamie are you listening to, mommy?

Hey, you all packed up, then?

Uh, yeah.

Is there coffee?

Uh, no.

Do you need me to make some?

No, that's all right.

I'll get something on the road.

Boy you, uh, sure headed out early.

Yeah. Well, you know, Conroy likes to get there early.

Fucking boy scout.

Yeah, it's probably for the best.

It's just, uh.

I feel like I don't see you anymore.

This is your third conference this month.

Well, you know, I actually really wanted to surprise you.

I'm getting a promotion.

He promised me that if I just jump through all the hoops this

month, you know, get there early, schmooze a little bit.

He told me it was a done deal and then get a little pay bump.

You know, take the kids to Cabo.

Kids love the beach, right?

So, you know, it'll be great.

It's great.

All right, well, I got to get going.

Okay. Hey, before you go, can you reach up here for me?

There's just a tray in the back

that I need for the bake sale later.

Ooh. Uh, I really do have to get going.

Jamie, say goodbye to dad.

He's leaving for work.

All right, buddy, I'm taking off.

Be a good little fart machine for your mom there.

Okay, dad.

All right.

Love you.

Love you too.

Oh, Dad, Dad!

Oh. What's this?

It's your trip.

Wait. Who is this?

The boogeyman.

The boogeyman.

Who told you about garbage like that?

You did?

Oh, yeah.

Boogeyman builds character.

That's right.

Well, this isn't exactly a DoubleTree by Hilton.

Is it?

No, no.

But, um.

I don't see too many double trees

out in the middle of fucking nowhere.

Where we can keep Calvin away from any potential drug dealers

he may know, or bars or liquor stores.

This isn't even a Ramada.

You know what?

Let's just try and enjoy it. Right?

You know, I actually strategically got us here a

little bit early, if you know what I mean.

Well, I do have a little present for you.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

You make yourself comfortable on the couch, and the doctor

will be right with you, sir.

Oh.

The fuck?

The doctor will see you.

Tell me, Mr. Stevenson, where does it hurt?

Oh, everywhere. It hurts everywhere.

Perfect.

Oh, doctor, I'm a mess.

Save me!

God, this place is so creepy at night.

You ever wonder about what kind of secrets an old house like

this would hold?

You know,

I don't think I need to go looking for more secrets.

You know, I've been having these crazy dreams recently.

I think I saw this house in one of them.

I remember that weird pillar.

It's just a dream.

Don't get distracted.

Do you want a beer?

Mm.

I think I need something a little stronger than that.

You know, I think.

I might actually have something that would work for that.

Oh, you certainly came prepared.

I did indeed.

What a gentleman.

I'm gonna go downstairs.

Do you want anything?

Uh, no, I think I'm good.

All right.

Shit.

Eric?

Eric?

Hello?

Eric, I think your friends are here.

Hello?

Naomi. My dick is getting sleepy.

Naomi, what are you doing?

This is it?

This is my fucking prison for the next week.

Out of the fucking frying pan and into the fire man.

Hardly a prison.

You should appreciate the

freedom while you still have it.

Fresh air, fishing and a whole lot of grilling.

We're gonna be eating like kings and

queens, of course.

Thank you.

I'm not really excited about the fucking food.

Oh, don't worry, buddy, I got plenty of fun activities

planned to keep you busy in this fresh air will perk you

right up.

I'm sure of it.

Awesome.

Oh, and, uh, Eric actually came through on

finding us a nice, secluded spot for once, buddy, away from

our usual distractions and temptations.

Yeah, I'm surprised that your car actually made it all the

way up here.

Piece of shit. Not like my old car.

My old car.

That's a fucking car.

You don't have a car?

Not since I got my license suspended, no.

ut when I did.

It was a car.

Did you puke in that one, too?

I know this car is gonna make it 300,000 miles.

You can bet your bottom dollar it will.

Um. Where's Eric?

I thought when I saw his car, he'd have the common courtesy

of helping us unload.

Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga

choo choo.

Hello, nature.

Oh, there's two doors.

Nice. This place is rad.

- Race you upstairs. - Okay.

Eric.

Come on.

What?

Are you guys okay?

Oh, Jesus.

- Look at him. - No.

- Eric! - Oh, fuck, fuck!

Oh, what up bitches?

Dude, you fucking serious?

It's a half full beer.

I was gonna finish that.

We can't all be getting fucked up all weekend.

Well, Calvin's just sitting there.

I mean, think about what a

nightmare that would be for him.

Well, dude, you know, not everyone in the world is going

to be bending over backwards to help Calvin get sober.

Oh, my God, not everyone, Eric.

Just his best friends.

Yeah, he has a real problem.

We need to make this transition

in his life as smooth as possible.

Well, you know what dude?

Maybe I have some problems in my life, you know?

You ever think about that?

Oh my, wholly narcissistic, Eric.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Well, maybe we ask Calvin what he thinks.

You ever think about that?

Well, I don't give a shit.

I don't care what he says.

He's a drug addict.

I was a drug addict.

I went to rehab, alright? I'm fine.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, buddy, but you are too.

What?

No, I love drugs, but I'm not addicted to drugs.

Can't you hear yourself?

There is a big difference, Tim.

Calvin knows exactly what I'm talking about.

You know?

You know what I think?

I think you guys should stop talking about me like I'm not

even here.

Yeah.

Yeah, Tim, you're always condescending to this guy.

Don't fucking start.

Look, I agreed to come up here, okay?

Would you please just let me have a say in what happens?

You know what? I think Tim's the bad friend here.

He's not even listening to you, really.

- Stop. - Can we all just stop?

I'm not a fucking dum dum, okay?