Two and a Half Men

Really?

Do you have to do this right now?

Wow, that's the first time anyone ever complained

about me doing too much work around here.

Why don't you go do that on the deck?

Because... this is my house.

I can work out wherever I want.

Besides, when I do yoga on the deck,

the kids on the beach call me gay.

You sure that's not because you live with a middle-aged man?

Morning.

Morning.

Ooh, a little yoga?

Yeah, I'm just trying to clear my head.

Um, speaking of heads,

Buddha's poking his out of the temple.

You know what? If I lived here alone, it wouldn't matter.

Right.

Sorry. Namaste.

What does "Namaste" actually mean?

Get out!

Okay.

I'm gonna "nama-not-stay" right here.

Okay, focus.

I want peace...

I want serenity...

I want a murder weapon.

Dude!

You need to relax.

Do some yoga or something.

What is that?

It's a holistic hangover cure.

Kale, wheatgrass, three shots of tequila.

Cheers.

You know what? Screw it.

I'm gonna stay drunk.

Oh, yikes. Think I ate a little

too much ginger last night.

Oh, you had sushi for dinner?

Yeah, let's go with that.

It's crazy, isn't it?

We finally get rid of Jake,

and now we got another one on our hands.

Yeah, about that...

What is the long-range plan here?

I don't know.

I always thought we'd spend

our golden years together.

Eventually, maybe sell the beach house,

move to the desert,

spend our days toiling in our cactus garden.

Yeah, that sounds swell, but...

Go out to early bird dinners

wearing matching jumpsuits... Okay.

Look, I'm not gonna wear a jump...

All right. You know what?

Let's try this another way.

Uh, in your romantic fantasy of our future,

where is Jenny?

She'll spend Christmas with us,

but we're gonna want our alone time.

Okay, let's focus on that word "alone."

Mm-hmm.

Having house guests is the best.

You know, you get excited to see them,

you put out the fluffy towels,

you hold your farts, everything's nice...

but, eventually, you have to fart.

Here's what you do.

Uh, you go out on the deck,

and pretend to look at the ocean,

wait for a big wave

and when it breaks, so do you.

Alan, I'm putting in a home gym.

And it's either going in Jenny's room

or Alan's room.

It's your call.

Bitch be gone.

Here we go.

An appletini a day keeps the doctor away.

Cute.

And what keeps Alan away?

You.

Touché.

Why am I here?

Oh, I just thought we could get together.

Maybe find out what's going on in each other's lives.

There's never anything going on in your life, Alan.

Okay, you start.

All right, let's see...

Well, my boyfriend Marty has just moved in.

Moved in?

That's a little fast.

He's 91 and a half.

He doesn't do anything fast.

So you two sleep in the same room?

If you're trying to find out if we have sex, yes, we do.

Frequently and nastily.

Good God!

The man is in a wheelchair.

How do you think he got there?

No, I was asking

if your guest room is available.

Darling, I-I would love

for you to come stay with me,

but with Marty there now, it's-it's impossible.

Oh, not me. Jenny.

Oh, Jennifer can move in.

Wait.

Why can she move in and not me?

Darling, if you were a child,

this would be one of those situations

where I would give you five dollars to shut up.

Well, I'm not a kid anymore, Mom.

How's $20 sound?

No, I want to have this conversation. Forty.

We're done. Well...

Mm-hmm.

All right, I'm out of here.

Don't be a stranger, Jenny.

I mean, I know that you are one

but that didn't stop me

from letting you stay here.

And that didn't stop me

from throwing up in your...

Ah, you know, you'll figure it out.

Um, h-have you got everything?

Yeah, I think so.

Oh, uh...

There's a girl in my room,

uh, Tara,

Tanya...

I don't really know what the hell her name is.

It's tattooed right above her ass.

Anyway, when she wakes up,

will you give her this for cab fare?

And uh, uh...

tell her I, "Mackenzie,"

will call her

if I get back from the Congo.

See you.

Bye. Take care.

Can you believe that?

I know.

A Harper left this house voluntarily.

And gave me money.

Hi, Alan.

Lyndsey.

This is a surprise.

I know; I-I'm sorry.

I just need to talk to you in person.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on in.

Are we alone?

Never!

Hi, Walden.

Can we talk in private?

Oh, sure, let's go in my room.

Oh, uh, hold on a second.

Okay, we're all set.

Aw, dude, come on!

So what's up?

Ow! Nipple!

I am so mad at you.

Why?

Because I-I'm with Larry now.

He's smart, handsome, successful...

God, you have a type.

No.

When I'm with him, I can't stop fantasizing about you.

Okay, I-I-I'm confused.

I'm getting a chubby, but I'm confused.

So you want to get back together?

Oh, God, no.

I just want to have sex with you.

Why?

And why am I asking?

I don't know.

I just know that I do.

Of course.

Forbidden fruit is so much sweeter.

Go on, pluck my forbidden fruit.

Pop my cherry.

Peel my banana.

Squeeze my fuzzy peaches.

In my fantasy... Yeah?

...you don't talk.

Bye, Walden.

Bye, Lyndsey.

Um, is it hot in here or did I just have sex?

Did you guys get back together?

Better.

She wants nothing from me

except the old Harper harpoon.

Wha-bam!

Know what I'm sayin'?

How is it possible

that you're having sex and I'm not?