South Park

Episode 9x14 "Bloody Mary"

Ichi!

Ichi!

Ichi!

Ichi!

Ichi!

Ichi!

Ichi banzai!

Ichi!

Ichi banzai! Kya!

Karutamane-san! What are you dwing?!

I'm doing some sweet banzai moves.

I'm a little better than everyone else here.

Eriku-san, you must follow direction! You raku disciprine!

Nah-uh, I don't raku disciprine!

Mina-san! You all needu more disciprine!

True disciprine... come from within.

We are out of time. I will see you on Tuesday.

Dude, we've gotta hurry home! The final episode of Lost is on soon.

Yeah, let's go.

Wait. Where's my Dad?

He knew he had to take us all home, too, right?

Yeah.

Dad? Where the hell could he have gone?

Oh hey, sorry boys.

Later Randy.

Heey, see you Nelson.

Dad, weren't you watching?

Well, I ran into Nelson from work. We were at the bar watching the game.

Two-dollar margaritas! It was great.

All right, come on, I'll drive you guys home.

Are you sure you're all right?

Oh yeah, I'll be fine. I got some beers to keep my buzz going.

Dad, aren't you supposed to like, not drink and drive?

I'm not drinking and driving, I'm driving while I'm drinking. Right, boys?

Sure, whatever dude.

Oh I gotta pee. Hand me that empty bottle, Stan.

Why not just pull over?

Stan, you need to learn some things about being a man! Now give me that bottle!

There's a reason why God made our penises like little hoses, boys.

Hold the wheel, Stan.

When you boys start driving, you're gonna need to learn to do this too. Woahp!

Dad, we're gonna crash!

Shh! Trying to concentrate! Just hold the damn wheel!

Dude, I think you're being followed.

Oh yeah? Get off my ass, dickhole!

No, dude, it's the police.

Aww crap!

Here, hold this!

Aww, it's all warm!

Everybody just stay calm! I can handle this, no problem.

I know how to deal.

License and registration, please.

What seems to be the officer, problem?

Sir, why don't you step out of the car for me?

Okay.

Sir, I'm going to give you a sobriety test.

Okay, no problem. Easy.

Stand over here, please? Right there.

All right, now I want you to hold your arms out at your sides...

There! I did it, see?! No problem!

And now touch your finger to your nose.

Do what?

Touch your finger to your nose.

Wull come on, that's impossible!

Just bring one hand to your nose, like this.

Okay...

Okay, hang on...

Okay, hang, ha- ...hang on...

Hol-! Hold on. Wa-hang on, hang on.

Dude, what the hell is he doing?

I think his pants are falling down.

What? What did I do?! What did I do?!

Keep blowing. Keep blowing. Keep blowing.

Aw Jesus!

This is sooo embarrassing.

You know, Stan, I'd say your dad racksa disciprine!

You know, I didn't even get home until 2:30.

Man, that was such a bummer.

Look, guys, about last night, can you just be quiet about it?

Why?

Because, I don't want everyone knowing, okay?

Could we please just keep this to ourselves?

All right, Stan. Sure.

Okay children, let's take our seats.

Today we will be continuing our study of economics.

But first, we're going to hear from a motivational speaker.

The state has sent over somebody to talk to you all about the dangers of drunk driving.

Please welcome Stan's dad.

Oh Jesus.

Well uh, I'm, s'posed to tell you kids about how bad drinking is, um...

I'd-did a little drinking and driving. As part of my punishement I'm...

doing community service work at schools like these.

Oh that's very interesting, isn't it, kids?

Uh, you you shouldn't drink, because it leads tuuuh bad things.

I was in jail for the night and well I guess I dunno, I...

Just don't drink but,...

if you must drink, d-definitely don't drive.

I've... definitely learned that firsthand, and uh, uuh, that's all, I guess.

Well, I think we've all learned an important lesson, haven't we, class?

If you don't make the right choices in life

you could end up being a big loser like Stan's dad.

Drinking and driving is for idiots. Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they?

I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad and say:

"Is that who I want to be in thirty years?"

Getting tickets and having to go to elementary school classrooms

and talk about how pathetic I am?

Thank you Mr. Marsh, I think you made your point.

Hello again everyone.

My name is Michael and I'm an alcaholic.

Hi, Michael.

As most of you know I once lost my job and my family because of my drinking.

But with the help of AA I've been sober for ten years now.

Anyone have anything they wanna tell the groups, for starters?

My name's Bill, and Im an alcoholic.

Hi Bill. - Hi Bill.

I've been using the 12-step program for about two months now and

and I'm really turning my life around.

No more blowing guys on Colfax Avenue for a pint of vodka for this cowboy!

That's great. And I understand this is somebody's first AA meeting, is that right?

Yes, you sir. Stand on up and introduce yourself.

Um, my name's Randy and... I just, really like beer.

You have to admit you're an alcoholic.

But, I don't knnow if I'm really an alcoholic.

Then why are you here?

Because I got a DUI and so I'm required to attend AA meetings for two weeks.

I was stupid one night and drank too much and then drove a car.

That was dumb and I'm not gonna do it again.

Randy, you are powerless to make that decision.

The only thing that works is the 12-step program.

Step 1 is admitting that you are powerless to control your drinking.

Only then can you move on to the other 12 steps, like...

believing that only a higher power, God, makes you stop drinking.

And then, turning your life over to that God.

Humbly asking God to remove your weaknesses.

What wait wait, hold on.

I never knew that Alcoholics Anonymous was a religious thing.

Well it's not religious.

You just have to admit that there is some kind of god which has power over you

and turn your life over to that god and ask him for forgiveness.

That's the 12-step program, not religion.

Look, I really just need to cut down on my drinking

and never drive the car drunk again.

You just can't cut down on your drinking, Randy.

You need to know something.

You have a disease.

Uh... a disease?

That's right. Alcoholism is a disease.

You're sick, Randy. You're very very sick.

And just like with most diseases, you can't cure it yourself.

And it's deadly.

Oh my God...

Dad! What the hell are you doing?!

Hello, Stan.

Dad, it's the middle of the day!

I thought you weren't going to drink as much anymore!

No, Stan, you don't understand. I have a disease.

Daddy's very sick.

What? Did you go to your AA meeting?!

Yes, they're the ones that told me.

I thought I could just quite drinking on my own, but... it's an illness, son.

I have to admit that I'm powerless to this terrible disease.

Dad, you've had enough! Just stop now!

I can't! I'm sick!

It's not fair! Why did you give me this disease?!

Stan! Stan!

Stan.

Aw Goddamnit!

Stan I... need your help.

Dad, what are you doing in Grandpa's extra wheelchair?!

Gotta try to take it easy from now on, son. Get Daddy another beer, will ya?

No! You don't need another beer!

I know that!

But this disease is just eating me up! I hate my illness!

Dad, you just need to not drink so much. It's very simple.

I wish it was that simple, son.

But if I don't give myself up to a higher power, this disease is going to kill me dead.

I'm afraid the only thing that will cure me... is a miracle.

Es un milagro. Es un milagro!

Tom, I'm standing in the garden of St. Peter's church in Bailey.

Where what some call a miracle is taking place.

The statue of the Virgin Mary has started to bleed. Out its ass.

The phenomenon was first seen by Father Harold Barnes.

Who saw the blood coming from the Virgin Mary's ass late last night.

People from all over the state have flocked here to the church to witness the apparent mriacle firsthand.

Well, we just heard that this miracle was happening

and we wanted to see it for ourselves and come and pray.

Why do you believe the Virgin Mary is dripping blood?

Well it may represent her sorrow over all the bad things going on in the world.

Why do you believe the Virgin Mary is dripping blood out her ass?

As news of the miracle spreads, hundreds are expected to show up here at the church