M*A*S*H

KLINGER (on P. A.): Attention, Major Houlihan.

Last call for Major Houlihan.

You have a phone call.

Oh, by the way, it'’s your father.

Sorry, sir, I can'’t seem to locate her.

Perhaps if you call back‐‐

No! You hang up that phone, and I'’ll kill you!

Uh, here'’s your little angel now, sir.

Daddy? (screams) I can'’t believe it!

Do you realize there are millions of people in Asia with no food,

and I'’m one of them?

Hey, everybody, listen to this.

I'’ve got the most exciting news.

My father is coming to visit day after tomorrow.

"Howitzer" Al Houlihan?

I thought your dad was retired, Margaret.

What'’s he doing in this neck of the woods?

It'’s a business trip.

He'’s a civilian military adviser now.

After my mom and dad got divorced,

he decided to take on a little something,

‐keep himself busy. ‐Sound idea.

Idle hands are Lucifer'’s workshop.

Well, I, for one, can'’t wait to shake his hand grenade.

Remember when he sent Margaret that camouflage negligee

to prevent sneak attacks?

Can it, you creeps.

Colonel, you will see

that this camp is shipshape for his arrival?

Aye, aye, Major. Anything else?

Well, sir, now that you mention it,

your hair could use a little trim.

Klinger, there'’s a cracker on the floor.

How can you miss anything that big?

Well, I didn'’t miss it. I picked it up and swept under it.

Well, sweep it or eat it.

I want you to stack these things neatly.

I assume you'’ve met Hurricane Margaret.

Well, your outside looks okay. Any inside information?

It feels pretty good, Doc.

I'’m releasing you in the morning.

You can go back to your unit.

You people did a terrific job.

I'’d love to find a way to pay you back.

I work in Food Requisitions and Disbursements.

Oh, the Department of Cruel and Unusual Nourishment.

Now I know where you got that.

Pistol‐whipped with one of your own waffles.

It was even dumber than that.

This General Beswick heard we had fresh strawberries

and just had to have some.

So they sent me up to the front,

and my jeep turned over.

Your strawberry general deserves a big raspberry.

Yeah, I'’ll say.

He lives high off the hog, and guys like you eat slop.

Maybe I can do something for you.

How'’d you like some steak?

Oh, gee, I don'’t know. You mean, give up gristle?

No kidding. When I get back,

I'’ll try to lay my hands on some prime stuff.

Well, no offense, Morgove, but I'’ve heard that before.

Why don'’t you just relax?

Don'’t bite off more than I can chew.

That'’s him! He'’s here!

Fall in! Ten‐hut!

Dress right, dress!

Wipe those smiles off your faces

and try not to look so miserable.

Oh, Dad, it'’s so wonderful to see you.

Margaret, please, not in front of the troops.

Oh, of course.

Um, Dad, my nurses, sir.

Colonel, ready for inspection.

Margaret, this sort of thing is a little out of my league these days.

Aw, come on, Dad, you'’ll be so pleased.

They'’re the sharpest nurses in Korea.

All right.

V.I.P. tent.

They look fine to me.

Thank you, sir. Dismissed.

I guess there'’s only so much you can do

under the circumstances.

Colonel Potter!

‐Colonel Houlihan. ‐Colonel Potter.

Colonel Potter, this is my father, Colonel Houlihan.

Right, Major. I can'’t tell you how good it feels

to shake hands with someone

who remembers the same Presidents.

‐Welcome to the 4077. ‐Pleasure, Colonel.

And Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt.

They'’re two of our finest surgeons.

‐Honor to meet you, Colonel. ‐How do you do, Colonel?

Any father of Margaret'’s is a father of mine.

Uh, Dad, maybe I should show you

to your new quarters now.

‐That would be fine, Margaret. ‐Excuse us.

Well, seems like a nice enough fella.

I don'’t think he took a shine to my shoes.

I think his first command to us would be "dress right."

I fixed everything in your tent exactly the way you like it.

I hope those two aren'’t typical of all your officers.

No, they'’re just draftees.

But they'’re top‐notch surgeons.

‐(dog barking) ‐(horn honking)

So, how are you, Dad?

Couldn'’t be better. This job was just the ticket to keep me busy.

And how'’s my little soldier?

Oh, wonderful.

I'’ve got a lot of responsibility, but I love it.

I always told you it'’s better to lead than to follow, didn'’t I?

‐Yes, sir. ‐At this rate,

you'’ll make lieutenant colonel right on schedule.

Yes, sir. You bet I will.

It'’s so odd to see you and think that you and Mother aren'’t...

Margaret, it'’s been a long trip, and, uh...

I'’d like to unpack and freshen up.

Oh, of course, Daddy. I understand.

I'’ll see you later.

‐Captain Pierce? ‐Yeah?

There'’s a package for you in my office

the size of New Jersey, only heavier.

‐For me? ‐Uh‐huh.

‐What is it? ‐I don'’t know.

But it'’s marked "Educational Materials."

Who'’s it from?

Um, Sergeant Morgove at Quartermaster Supply.

Morgove? Oh, Morgove.

He was that kid with the head wound.

‐Ah. ‐Promised to‐‐

send me some, uh...

What?

‐What? What? ‐Come on.

We may get a chance to educate our palates.

Come on, what is it, Teach?

Well, I don'’t wanna get your hopes up.

Just, uh, follow me and keep your knives and forks crossed.

‐Didn'’t I tell you? ‐Would you look at that?

This is almost more than a mouth can take.

‐What? What? ‐What is it?

Relax, gentlemen. If we'’re lucky,

you may have a bone to pick with me.

‐Get a hammer. ‐Hammer.

See what that says.

Uh, "Dear Dr. Pierce, Please be advised

"that this package is top secret as well as top grade.

It has been accidentally rerouted from General Beswick"?

"This time, he gets canned liver

and you get prime steaks."

‐Steaks! ‐Steaks! Close the door.

"Thanks, and once again sincerely, Ronnie Morgove."

I thought he was just kidding.

Now he'’s gonna make me eat his words.

Oh, you mean to tell me

this whole box is full of steak,

as in tender, tasty, tempting T‐bone?

From the size, it must be A‐to‐Z‐bone.

Look at that. It'’s packed in dry ice.

I got gloves.

Will you hurry?

My taste buds are dancing in the street.

This is fantastic. There must be enough here for the whole camp.

‐We could throw a surprise party in the mess tent. ‐Yeah.

It'’s the last place anybody'’d expect to find food.

Hey, wait a minute. What cut of steak is this?

That'’s the unkindest cut of all‐‐

a frozen, naked cow.

Looks like your friend Morgove gave us the cold shoulder.

It'’ll take at least 24 hours to thaw.

Close the lid. Listen.

I think we oughta put this whole party on ice

for a couple of days.

A guy like Howitzer Al would love to shoot his mouth off

to General Beswick, you know?

I'’ll keep it here till he'’s gone.

‐Yeah. ‐Nobody will go near it.

It'’s marked "Educational Material."

‐That'’s good. ‐Hey, let'’s go.

‐What? ‐We'’ve got wounded.

Well, that'’ll certainly kill our appetites.

I got a bad bleeder here.

Can you see everything okay, Dad?

Don'’t worry about me, Margaret.

Just go on with your work.

There we go. A stitch in time saves six.

Number seven. Now serving number seven.

Oh, by the by, Pierce, on the way over,

I nearly took a header on that crate addressed to you.

Bigger than my first house. What'’s in it?

Uh, educational materials.

Educational material? For Pierce?

It'’s like buying gloves for the Venus de Milo.

Bite your tongue, Charles. It'’s liable to be all you get.

Uh, they'’re just joking, Dad.

They like to work in a lighthearted atmosphere.

Just this once, couldn'’t you conduct yourself,

with the tiniest trace of professionalism?

Margaret, will you perch somewhere?

Your shoes are beginning to smoke.

He'’s your father. He'’s not the inspector general.