Selfie

It's not that kids in junior high didn't notice me.

They did.

Being butt-ugly wasn't what i wanted to be noticed for.

So I took a lesson

from the most popular girl in 7th grade.

It took me 14 years to perfect it,

but now I was insta-famous.

I had 263,000 friends,

followers, and insta-quaintances.

Followers, and insta-quaintances.

Not to mention the love and respect of my co-workers,

who were still stuck in coach.

Got the upgrade, ladies.

don't be jelly, linda.

Is that one of ours?

Eliza dooley,

our company's best-performing sales rep? Yeah.

She's our best sales rep? That can't be true.

That's the magic of the miniskirt -- no one's immune,

including Miller from legal, who happens to be --

married, isn't he?

She hasn't picked up on that yet.

She's been a little too busy

making sure her lipstick matches her thong.

Making sure her lipstick matches her thong.

How do you know so much about her lipstick and her thong?

I follow her on instagram.

Very classy.

What is this, her breakfast?

Why does her generation feel compelled to tweet every item that goes into their mouths,

including Miller from marketing's --

warm nuts? Thanks.

Thought you could escape me in first class?

Eliza, wait.

Look, I know it's intimidating

to fall for a girl with a strong pelvic floor

and an advertising presence on her Facebook page --

and an advertising presence on her Facebook page --

no, no. It's not that.

Then what?

Devices off. Seat belts buckled.

He was...Married?

And I just needed to gif my way through that.

Nausea, dizziness, a legit case of ham tongue.

It was either the turbulence or grinder's remorse

or a rare combination of the --

oh, wow.

That was, uh...

Are you okay?

Can you please move your nuts?

Yep.

Married.

You're married.

Why does this crap always happen to --

so, hey, maybe you should...

Head to the bathroom now.

Head to the bathroom now.

I think they've got a toilet in there.

I couldn't tell what sucked more --

being drenched in panic pudding

at a cruising altitude of 36,000 feet

or how many people liked seeing me that way.

Everything okay in there?

Not really.

My new boyfriend is someone else's husband.

I barfed all over my Louboutins.

The plane is full of my co-workers.

And now I'm stranded in here, naked and afraid.

Oh.

Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm gonna need you to vacate the lav.

Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm gonna need you to vacate the lav.

Okay. I'll vacate your lav,

but can you at least grab me an extra stewardess outfit?

Ma'am, this is not a department store.

There are no extra outfits.

Carol-June, straight up, now, tell me --

what would you do if you were me?

It's amazing what you can do

with three in-flight blankets tied sarong-style.

I'd spent years laughing

...at stupid idiots on the Internet.

And now that stupid idiot was me.

Hold the elevator! Hold!

Even if you are in a passionless marriage,

it doesn't mean adultery is okay.

Okay, you know what I wasn't in the mood for?

A lecture from my hipster-crite neighbor bryn.

She's the worst --

she's the worst --

with her nail art and her chevron stripes

and her non-prescription prescription glasses

and her bffs who love to diy

and their top knots and Peter Pan collars

and cross body bags.

It's weird.

She defines herself by her sexuality,

but I actually think

it's the least interesting thing about her.

Okay, first of all, I had no idea he was married

when we engaged in gland-to-gland combat,

and second of all,

I get super horny when I travel,

and that's not my fault -- that's science.

Um...

We weren't talking about you.

We weren't talking about you.

We were discussing "fear of flying."

By Erica jong.

We're a book club.

I know that.

How stupid do you think I am?

I tried sending an s.O. Text to my own friends

to see if anyone would bring me a ginger ale...

Is there a market close to me that delivers?

I found five markets.

I found five markets.

When siri is the only person who's there for you...

being friended is not the same thing as having friends.

The next morning, i was praying the whole company

had forgotten about my epic fail.

Or, at the very least, was willing to make like Elsa and "let it go."

All right, everybody, settle down.

Bring it home, everybody.

Beautiful. Good.

Now, as you all know, this company took a major hit

when our best-selling pediatric nasal spray

was pulled from the shelves for causing satanic hallucinations.

Ah, allegedly.

Ah, allegedly.

"Allegedly" is right.

Nonetheless, the product was recalled and reformulated.

But whether or not we could regain the market's trust was...

Tbd.

But now, thanks to one man,

it's a big, fat "d"!

Henry, you loon, get up here! Come on, Henry!

Come on. Yeah!

We love this guy.

don't worry -- I'm not gonna make out with you.

I'm not gonna make out.

I lied about that.

Mmm!

Mmm!

You know, I read an article

that said Asian men are more comfortable

kissing on the mouth as a sign of friendship.

They're not, no. Mm.

All right, well, I'll forward it to you.

Thank you. It's good.

Folks, this man did the impossible.

He took a product

whose reputation had been badly tarnished

and rebranded it

as a product that consumers could once again love and trust.

Okay, if that dude in the vest could remarket our nasal spray,

okay, if that dude in the vest could remarket our nasal spray,

he could definitely remarket me.

Take a moment.

You're, uh, coming to my daughter's wedding this weekend, right?

Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world, sir.

Good. Good.

Bring a date.

You're always alone. It's kind of weird.

I wouldn't call it weird. It is. It is.

What are you doing in my office?

I'm eliza, I work in sales,

and it recently came to my attention that I have poor instincts,

a weak stomach, no real friends, and --

loose sexual morals?

Have we met?

Have we met?

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

I'm afraid I'm not leaving until you say you'll help me.

But you can't be helped.

You are addicted to the instant gratification

of unearned adulation from a group of perfect strangers

you insist on referring to as your "friends."

Our nasal spray caused satanic hallucinations,

and you fixed that.

Come on. I just want to change my image.

You mean be a better person? Or that.

Look, I'm not trying to, like, tug at your heartstrings or whatever,

look, I'm not trying to, like, tug at your heartstrings or whatever,

but I threw up really hard.

And I don't know if you have ever thrown up that hard -- #thestruggle --

but it really makes you think.

Makes you think what?

I'm genuinely dying to know.

When I was sick, not one person called to see if I was okay,

and I don't know why.

People used to hate me because I was butt.

But I'm not butt anymore.

Look, eliza, I'm sure you're aware

it is possible to be beautiful on the outside

and still...Butt on the inside.

And still...Butt on the inside.

Like Gwyneth Paltrow.

Okay, you need to go.