Modern Family

A gang fight.

I just want him to fit in.

I'm gonna take a shower. Do you care to join me?

You know, honey, there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage.

If I ever say "no" to that question,

I want you to use it on me.

[ haley speaking indistinctly ]

Shh, shh, shh!

What's wrong?

[ continues speaking indistinctly ]

Why aren't they trying to hurt each other?

I don't know, but I'm afraid to move.

you're really good at this.

Thanks.

What is happening, claire?

Cameron: Mmm. Mitchell: What do you think?

Now, that is a scone.

No butter, nonfat.

Shut up.

I'm gonna go check on lily.

Surprise!

Mom!

Gloria: What's that?

Sounds like a bird hit the window.

Oh, god, that's a bad sign.

Ow! That hurt, jerk!

Ow! I'm gonna kill you, stupid!

Ow!

Wh happened?

Now I'm sad. Uhh!

Hi, honey.

Hi.

I-I didn't know you were in town.

You didn't call.

Well, I couldn't wait to see your new baby.

Where is she?

Cameron: Mitchell, who was that?

Uh, it's my mom.

Oh, yeah, right.

'cause the last time she was here,

The refrigerator magnets rearranged themselves

Into a penta--

Grandma!

Hey.

- Sync by honeybunny --

Mom...Mom, what are you doing to her legs?

Tai chi. I did it every day in sedona.

Cameron, you should try it.

Mitchell's mother has a problem...With me.

Last christmas, for example,

She gave me a piece of exercise equipment

And a lettuce dryer.

So, to recap,

I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings,

And she gave me a hint.

Dede: And living in sedona has been transformational.

I get up every morning, and I go to a vortex meditation site

And work with a shaman to finally understand

How to live my spirituality.

Yikes.

And I've learned that the only way

I can move to the next level of my awakening

Is if we all can somehow get past...

The incident.

Oh, no.

The incident.

Oh, boy.

I would like to congratulate jay and the lovely gloria.

I'm very happy for them.

I wanted a big, beautiful wedding with jay

Because my ex-husband and I got married

In a tiny, little office of a judge in colombia.

Well, my mother wanted to go to the wedding

To show everyone how okay she was with all of it,

So I convinced dad and gloria to invite her.

Who warned you that that was the worst idea ever?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Oh.

Of course, I've -- I've moved on.

I was supposed to come with a date,

But he just hurt his back,

Which is very ironic because he's young and -- and healthy.

My mom started drinking these cocktails

Called "horny colombians"

With some of gloria's uncles,

Whom, apparently, the drink was named after.

Phil: Oh, come on, they were funny.

They kept patting my butt.

somebody's full of herself.

It's a -- it's a colombian wedding tradition, they said.

I would like to make a toast.

Yeah, nana got totally wasted.

Uh, it was really funny.

Then it was gross.

To the bride and the groom, my ex.

35 years we were together,

And he couldn't wait 10 minutes to run off with charo.

I'm kidding.

Seriously, I knew they were perfect for each other

When I saw his wallet and her boobs.

Take your hands off me.

Mom. Mom.

Oh, relax, mitchell.

What, did you take your claire pill?

Okay, l-let's just -- let's get a little fresh air, okay? Come on.

And then it got weird.

I'm gloria. I'm gloria. Kiss me.

Oh, hey, kiss me.

Nana is really strong.

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Ooh! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

During my vows to my first husband,

Drug dealers burst in and assassinated the judge.

This was way worse.

What can I say? I drive women crazy.

It's too soon, I guess.

Everybody is going to be there, mom.

Claire: I don't care.

Your father and I are not about to let you

Drive two hours to go to a concert

And then spend the night with a bunch of boys,

Especially that 17-year-old hormone you're dating.

It's totally supervised.

Oh, really? By whom?

By spencer patine's uncle.

Who's spencer patine?

You know spencer -- the guy with the arm.

Wait. What kind of arm? What does that even mean?

His uncle is uncle tobey.

Oh, uncle tobey.

I'll be sure to include that in my amber alert.

Oh, my god.

Okaycan I step in here? I think I can help.

Haley, what your mom is worried about

Is you getting your heart broken

When dylan goes off to college next year.

He's not going to college. That's not what I'm even think--

He's not going to college?

He's in a band, okay? They're going on tour.

Oh, this just gets better and better.

Why are you always on me about everything?!

Because you need to understand -- okay, now, everybody, calm down.

Let's start from the beginning.

What's wrong with spencer's arm?

Ugh!

Mom, I'm home!

Gloria: Hi, baby!

Did you have fun at the slumber party?

You must be exhausted.

No, I'm not tired at all.

I was the first one to fall asleep.

What's on your face?

A smile from having such a good time with my friends.

No. Come here.

Look.

Oh.

That's why they were laughing.

I thought it was my funny take on current events.

Why would they do something like that?

Don't worry about it.

Guys pull pranks like that all the time.

You just got to prank 'em back.

Just got to show 'em you're willing to give as good as you get.

What do you think?

Hmm, revenge...

I like it.

Well, mom, instead of scratching it down a wall,

Maybe we should just try and repress it

Like a -- like a normal family.

I can't. I need closure.

I'm about to embark on a new journey.

I met a man. Really?

His name is chas,

And he's asked me to come live with him

In his foreign land.

Wow. Where?

Canada.

You're moving to -- to canada?

French canada.

oh.

Oh, that -- that's wonderful.

It is wonderful.

It just that when I think of all the awful things

That I said to gloria and jay

And you and claire,

I feel such guilt.

Give it time... And see banff.

Cam, please.

I just can't give myself to him sexually.

Okay, mom. Did not see that coming.

Oh, don't get me wrong.

We satisfy each other down there.

Oh... Yeah, don't want to...

That's why I need everyone's forgiveness.

I need your help, mitchell. Cameron: Did you hear that, mitchell?

Your mom needs your help to make love to her new man, chas.

That's not weird at all.

I --

I'm just not really sure what you're asking me to do, mom.