Confessions of a Christmas Letter

Come on, Sam, I was just trying

to finally make the Wall of Fame.

But here, I'll read you a little bit so you understand.

It is indeed a spirit stuffed Christmas

for the happiest clams Rose clan.

We twinkle with holiday delights.

And our luminous daughter Lily is on deck

to joyfully allay any of your employment urgencies.

She's unemployed again.

Yeah.

Settie, please, will you just spare me the ending?

I am painfully familiar with your masterpieces.

Oh.

Another Rose Christmas letter disaster.

Honestly, I don't know

why she puts herself through this every year.

Oh!

Do you know why my cousin Sue has been selected

for the Wall of Fame every single year?

Nepotism.

Prose.

Settie, you need to put the P in the Rose,

and then you'll get--

prose.

Yes. Because trust me, no amount of dressing

is going to salvage the word salad

you just forced me to digest.

Okay, look, Sam, just grant me a Christmas miracle

and give me my box of letters back.

Absolutely not.

No. Once the elves have received the letters,

they must be delivered.

It's not even real mail.

Just grab it, grab it, grab it.

But I will do this.

Your submission for the Wall of Fame.

I'll return that

because I can't possibly endure it a second time.

Merry Christmas.

Next.

Sam, we need to see

your special Christmas shipping boxes.

-Oh, my Christmas boxes! -Yeah.

Yes, they just came in right over here.

We've got to hurry.

Everybody's been waiting. Sorry, everybody.

I'll be with you soon.

Yes, yes, yes.

We've got a bunch of sizes.

Nice.

Oh. We also-- We've got those.

-Yeah. -On the wall.

But I think these are far superior.

What are you looking to send?

Um... Well, I have a lot of gifts to send.

-Great display. -It's a Christmas tree!

Got it!

- -

Was anyone following us?

I hope not.

Go. Go. go, go! Come on.

I'll explain later, Paddy!

Oh, this can't be good.

You did the right thing getting those letters back.

It was even worse than last year's Grinch theme.

Did we just aid and abet her?

How can I possibly get in trouble

for taking something back that was already mine? Anna,

-Mmm. -I don't know.

But if I were you, I'd burn the evidence

before Sue Taylor gets wind of this.

Did you lock the door?

No.

Sue always barges in.

Isn't it suspicious that she's made the Wall of Fame

for 18 years straight?

Not really.

Well, her travels are adventurous.

Her daughter is a genius

and her letters are beautifully written.

I think next year will be my year

because Lily is going to Italy.

She got accepted into this prestigious acting workshop

and Jack and Bradley are getting married,

so I'm going to finally have some decent material.

-Yeah. -I love that for you.

I love it for me too.

Yeah.

Mom, dad, you don't need to put every ornament we own

on the tree.

-Okay. Love you. -Okay.

Oh.

What do you think?

I think this year we're going to get

one Christmas thing right

and that's the words to that song.

Vernon.

The Christmas cookies.

Hi, mom.

Hi.

You're late.

I need you to take off this vest,

because the last thing I need is for Sue to find out

that my son was sentenced

to shoveling snow by his neighborhood.

I can't believe the two of you took a month long honeymoon

and didn't think about maintaining your yard.

It was a simple miscommunication

with our lawn service.

Which is why I refuse to pay the fine

and agreed to community service.

-Okay. -Hi, Grandma.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Paddy.

You have to take the lawn ornaments out.

Sue thinks they're tacky,

and I don't want her to report us to the committee.

Especially because this year,

we're finally going to make the Wall of Fame.

You know, I thought after last year's incident,

you decided to call it quits.

Well, whatever you do,

just remember to leave me out of it, okay?

For another year?

Or forever.

Or at least until you let me write my part for accuracy.

Mm. But I'm so excited to share about your wedding.

It was so beautiful.

And one of the happiest days of my life.

And it's the 20th anniversary of the Wall of Fame.

Oh.

Bradley, help me convince him.

Can I not?

Incoming!

You didn't lock the door.

Knock, knock.

Oh.

Sue.

Hi. Hank.

Oh, I see Lily didn't make it back yesterday as planned.

Did she meet a paramour or just miss her flight again?

Oh, Victoria wanted to get some tips for her trip to Italy.

Is she still traveling with duffel bags?

You know, those are a haven for bedbugs.

I hope we don't end up with Christmas critters.

Too late for that.

Inner voice, dear.

It's a good thing I brought Christmas cookies.

It looks and smells like

a Christmas shop exploded in here.

What are you wearing?

Uh, a reflector vest.

Because he's volunteering as a crossing guard.

Oh.

Well, this has been lovely. We have a lot to do.

Oh, you most certainly do.

At least the outside is finally looking decent.

Okay. See you tonight.

5:00 p.m. sharp Christmas Bingo.

Enjoy the cookies.

Poor Hank.

You can do this. Let's go.

We are gonna write a Christmas letter.

I got it, I got it.

First, we're gonna have a cup of tea.

We are typing words and things.

Paddy, can I get a snack?

A very Merry Christmas to our friends and family.

We rang in this year by turning our dream

of early retirement into a reality.

This is the moment.

Okay. All right.

Here we go.

Are you ready? Are you ready?

We got this.

Happy Holidays.

Shèngàn jié kuàilè. Frohe Weihnachten.

What a year it's been.

I traveled to both China and Germany before diving

into the world of pivot and online dating.

Uh, why don't you have words on you.

In a one-horse open sleigh. But much better.

Uh, why don't you let me take a crack at the letter this year?

No, no, no, I can I can be your little ghostwriter.

I think we're going to need an expert

to convince Holly Hills we belong on that wall.

I just can't seem to get it right.

I feel like I failed as the matriarch of this family.

That is ridiculous.

You know, the more I try, the worse it gets.

What I need is him.

The author of this book, Juan Sánchez.

That's even more ridiculous.

No. It's perfect.

It's time to put the P in Rose.

I need prose that can make standing at the edge

of a toxic waste dump sound eloquent and enchanting.

I mean, surely he could do something with our family.