Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire

I am doubling the bounty on Mandoon and the pagan wench.

How's my favorite freedom-fighting couple?

Excellent.

Actually, we're no longer a couple.

You're not worried about the arrival Of emperor zanus' weapons inspector?

Granted it's not exactly What i came here for,

But she'll make a tasty little souvenir.

With resistance coffers depleted,

Krod knew a successful supply-line raid was crucial And seemingly out of reach.

Zez, get back in position.

No, no, quasto wearing assless chaps, man.

Normal pants chafe my tail.

Cut him some slack, zez. Guy's got a tail.

So why don't you come sit Underneath this chocolate starfish

In a stress position, krod?

That is not a starfish. That is my muskrat.

Let me tell you something.

- quasto, get back-- - i don't care what it is.

I saw a heartbeat.

Until he covers it up, i'm out.

Can we just clear this up, please?

You said that on a friday, we Could wear whatever we want.

- that's why bruce gets to wear his tummy teaser.

Jealous much?

Guys, guys, this is an ambush.

Oh, krod, you said as long As i covered my nipples

And manscaped my treasure trail That i could let loose my bruce.

What--never in my life have i ever Said "manscape" and "treasure bush."

- he would never say-- - what, you calling me a liar?

Guys, guys, guys!

We're here to intercept the Imperial payroll shipment, okay?

So forgive me if i'm all business,

But i'm really not in the Mood to play fashion police.

Oh, really? Then Why did you try and get me To wear a chastity belt?

No, now, aneka, that Is not a chastity belt.

That is state-of-the-art vaginal armor.

Yeah, well, i'll take my chances.

Well, you wouldn't Have to take chances

If you'd just follow Some simple guidelines.

Is it so hard to wear underwear?

It is if you've got a tail.

- i don't want to get hit with grobble droppings.

Guys, i'm not opening the Discussion up to everyone.

We are here to do a job.

Oh, great. Oh, that's just great.

Congratulations. You Just killed casual friday.

Ay, no, krod, please.

No, nope, nope, stick a Sword in it. It's done.

Krod mandoon.

Who's asking?

Of course.

Our last encounter left Little time for introduction.

I'm ralph longshaft. It's Spelled "ralph," pronounced "rafe."

Wait, you're the ralph longshaft?

Wow, your autobiography ralph on ralph

Is the reason i picked up A sword for the cause.

Man crush.

Stop.

This is my esteemed warlock And dear friend grimshank.

Oh. Hey, how you doing?

Krod, we tracked you Here because the e.r.c.--

The elite resistance council...

Yep, of course.

Is meeting tomorrow in the frenulum Catacombs at the base of mount hood

To discuss strategy in A post-arcadius world.

Now, as his protege, I believe that you should be Part of that discussion.

Grimshank, the invitation.

It was in his sleeve.

Till tomorrow?

Grimshank, away.

My eyes.

That--that was a stumper.

Did he slice the earth? What did he--

What news, barnabus?

Well, the bounty on mandoon has Been lifted by your official decree,

And everything else--excuse me-- Is unfolding according to plan.

Oh.

Oh?

Come, come, sir.

The eye of galga gremda will Soon be fully operational.

This is the fulfillment Of your five-year plan.

I thought you'd be happy.

And i am.

I am, barnabus,

But what good is the Power to destroy humanity

If i have no one to share it with?

I miss her, barnabus. I miss her so.

Who, sir?

My angel, My beloved,

The wench from the village with The big cans and the "hump me" eyes.

Oh, of course. Yes, of course.

Now, was she not last seen Absconding with lord roderick?

Yes, but what can he bench?

Oh, touche, sir. Touche.

And you're not deterred By the age difference.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

You take your own age, Cut it in half, add seven.

Anything higher than that Is socially acceptable, yes?

Try it.

- yes. - isn't it perfect?

- yes, yes, and then you can-- - yes, well, lovely.

I just, you know, hope you've Not mistaken infatuation for love.

What do you know of love?

You've never even been in A long-term relationship.

Oh, true, yeah, i was only married for A short time before you beheaded my wife.

Only because she was unfaithful to you.

With you, sir.

Well, she initiated at The autumnal solstice.

You spiked her punch and goaded Her into sexual role-play.

Oh, yes, i did. Yes.

I had forgotten that. Yes.

Yes, well, it was a test.

Oh.

And she failed.

I saved you a lot of heartache.

Yes, well, My infant sons and i thank you.

Thank me by finding her, barnabus.

Find my soul mate.

Right. Abs, i think.

The passing of arcadius has left Hessemeel's seat on the council wide open.

Krod, earlier today, i Nominated you to replace him.

Oh, my gods! This is arguably The greatest moment of my life.

Your nomination was rejected.

Why?

However, the council did Agree to a compromise.

Your admission and, by rightful Extension, aneka's admission to our ranks

Will be conditional upon the successful Completion of a test of valor.

You must retrieve the Bloodstone of elluvia,

The largest diamond in the known world.

Its sale could fund the Resistance for a decade.

It's believed to lie Here on the elluvian plain

Deep in the lair of a dreaded cyclops.

Hundreds have died in its pursuit.

Shh. Careful, guys.

Right now, our only advantage Is the element of surprise.

- i love surprises! - back up, one-eye.

Or what, dimples?

You'll stick that thing in me?

Aren't you a wild one.

Join me for nibbles and mojitos-- Fresh mint.

Weapons at the ready.

If you get the chance, take this guy out.

Dig in, everybody.

As usual, i've made way too much.

Pass me the ponzu sauce, love.

Wait, is that the orange one?

Nope. That's chutney. Ponzu is brown.

Okay, what's going on here?

Are you or are you not the Dreaded cyclops of elluvia?

The dreaded cyclops of Elluvia is my father.

Please, call me cy.

Hello, cy. I'm loquasto.

Guys, focus. We're here For the elluvian bloodstone.

That old hunk of junk?

Take it.

It was my father's.

We never saw eye to eye.

He despised my decadence.

I didn't share his bloodlust.

C'est la vie.

So, what, we can just take that and-- Go?

That's why you came.

I get it.

No one wants to have cocktails And nosh with a one-eyed monster.

And so i drink alone...

Again.

Ay, krod, he's lonely.

He feels like a monster.

He is a monster.

Who could have killed us but didn't.

Yet. Yet!

I cannot stress that Enough. Get the stone.

He made ponzu.

It's, like, the least Evil of all the sauces.

- krod? - come on, krod.

Quasto, test the food for poison.

Oh, that is lovely. That is lovely.

Okay, look, One mojito, a couple of snacks, And then we hit the bricks, agreed?

Agreed.

No, you don't have my agree. No.

How anyone can resist is beyond me.

Mr. Universe, i think.

Sir, forgive me.

I come with news of your soul wench.

Yes, she's to be wed this weekend To lord roderick at castle brainhang.

Daggers!

Ready the carriage.

We ride tonight to brainhang.

Oh, and, barnabus, fill out the Travel flagons and grab some munchies.

We'll make it a road trip.

Oh, hello, i'm lord roderick. What's your problem?

Okay. Oo-oo-oo-ooh-kay.

Aneka, truth or dare?

Truth.

Have you ever gotten Busy with a cyclops?

Cyclops, one-eye, whoa!

Um? Um? That's not an automatic "no"?

Ooh, i once lay with a troll Who lost an eye in battle.

Does that count?

It most certainly does not, my dear.