Punching and Stealing

Hi, Sam.

Angela Sullivan with Front Page. Nice to meet you in person finally.

Nice to meet you, too.

To start us off, tell us who you are.

Name? Where you're from? What we're here to talk about? What's your story?

Two, one, two.

One, two.

Hello?

Hi! I'm... I'm Jen.

I'm the interior designer, come about the living room remodel.

- I'm early. - Hi. Yeah.

- Hi. - Hi. I'm Sam.

Hi.

You are nasty pretty.

Excuse me?

When you called the other day on the phone, I told my dad that you sounded pretty.

And he's like, "How can you tell what somebody looks like over the phone?

I bet you she's tubby."

And I was like, "I bet you she is nasty pretty."

Me and my dad we bicker, and-

Come on... come on inside.

Well, what is all this?

Oh, I'm just... I'm working out.

Yeah. I mean, you've got your computer, and your punchy thingy.

It's kind of nerdy yet athletic.

Yeah, and... and it is fairly good.

Well?

Well what?

Do you want to show me something?

Yeah.

I mean, I'm not that into violence but, um, the workout obviously keeps you in shape.

Yeah.

Anyways, I'm... I'm... I'm just starting to study this guy.

He's a legend. Chuck.

He does this over and right thing, or if you land it right on the button,

- you know, like knock somebody uncon... - Oh, what's the button?

The button is a little nerve right here that's behind your jaw.

If you hit somebody directly on the chin, it knocks them out unconsciously like you...

Sounds sexy.

Right. What?

Yeah. So, alright, what he does is... here.

- Stand there for me like this. - Oh. Hmm.

So,

um, and what it does is... put your hands up... and he does the series like check

- the distance, check the distance, and then, bam! - Oh!

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Shit, shit, shit! Dad!

Hey!

Oh, gah! Oh, damn, why?

You all right?

I am Sam Bransby, and this is my story.

I'm from Vegas... not that Vegas... the real Vegas.

Nobody's from Vegas, right?

Who the fuck is from Vegas?

Outside of the stupid fucking shows, and the shiny strip,

and dudes thinking they're high rollers for a weekend,

it's the Vegas that nobody knows about.

It's ugly, like, it's hot, dry, and ugly.

I have a dead mom from cancer and a factory-working father.

What's my story? My story is this.

I have a chip on both shoulders.

First one came when my mom died.

Second one came when my old man's life savings and pension was embezzled

leaving me to take care of him.

I was gonna wreck every bone in the bodies of the CEO and COO that did it.

A developing story late this afternoon.

Police were called to the 500 Block of Trailwood Drive in Summerlin

where two prominent business executives were found severely beaten and wounded in their car.

But somebody else got to them first

so I went to work for that somebody.

Sam, you're sucking on my thumb again.

- Hmm? - Um.

Put it back in there.

No, it's wet.

I like it when it's wet.

I want you to meet my dad.

All this talk about your dad is totally putting the kibosh on my erection.

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's a little bit of a baby arm.

Ha, ha, ha.

It's a pee boner.

What a dork! Wait!

Is it the pee or me that's making you hard?

Both.

No, no, it can't be both.

- Sure, it can. - No.

Yeah, because... okay, if you weren't here I would have a pee boner

having sex with you in my mind.

Do you ever think of anybody else when you... you're doing it in your mind?

Rachael Ray.

Wait, wait, wait. The cooking girl?

- Yeah, she's spunky. - That is weird.

She's spunky, and she could make me a delicious snack in 30 minutes or less.

Oh, no, UFC Sam.

Come on, tomorrow... hey, tomorrow...

My dad's coming back from the Detroit office today

and so have lunch with us tomorrow.

- You gotta tap. - Hey, hey, hey, it's... see, I'm... Easy, sweetie.

So you're serious about this, huh?

Yeah.

Just like one of those relationship stepping stones I guess.

- Yeah. - I don't know, it just seems like very soon.

Soon? It's been seven months, fucker!

Oh!

The gestation period for a deer is eight months.

A deer?

Yes.

So our relationship is not even a full-grown deer yet.

Nice, Sam.

I'm just saying, like, I'm just nervous about that.

I mean, he's not even your real dad.

Yeah, well, Mike's dad to me, okay?

Mike.

I'll buy you some of those little boy panties that you like,

and I'll touch myself in front of you if you do it.

Let's call him right now.

I wish you'd call him now, and get out of the way because...

- No. - I'm just totally game for that.

But...

- Stop. - What? Hello.

- Quit. - No, no, I actually got somebody.

Oh, shit, no! I'm... I'm sorry.

No, I'm already clean.

Sam.

Gra... gracias.

Why do you have a maid service programmed into your speed dial?

You see, um, this is really important to me.

Okay? I mean, since my mom's gone, I-

I used... I'm trying to keep some semblance of a family together.

Okay.

Alright, yes. I will meet Mike.

- Yes, I will meet Mike. Yes. - Oh, thank you, baby.

- All right. There. - I love you. I love you.

Yeah.

Pound on that.

I have to work in the morning though so...

Oh, yeah, what... they... they transferred you? What are you doing now?

No, no, it's just the same... it's just boring IT shit.

I'm sure it's not boring. It's probably really cool.

I mean, you're making so much more money.

- What are you doing? - Yeah, yeah, no, it is. It is. It's actually pretty cool.

The dude, like, we have a head guy and I'm pretty much like a bike messenger,

but they send us out to do... to do IT work. It's pretty cool.

The head guy or my boss, he'll give me a call.

Yes, hello.

Is Sam there?

And he just gives me like a quick rundown

of what the job will be, and where he's sending me.

Tommy.

How are you? Poor beavers need to be fed.

Sideways.

That's what I said, sideways.

And the Steelers are going to be playing an excellent game this Sunday.

Do you understand me?

And then he sends me some paperwork.

You know I bring it to you.

Oh!

And like upfront cash 'cause our pay... you know, 'cause I... it's a... a 1099 job,

like, I'm an independent contractor/consultant.

And then from that, I can get a basic idea of what needs to be done or what the problem is.

When I get there, so I know exactly what kind of like, you know, geeky,

boring IT shit I need to bring there.

And usually when I get there, it's like nobody knows why I'm there,

and it's like two cats fucking in a bag.

Yeah, excuse me, hi.

- Hi. - Can I help you?

I'm just here to upgrade the server upstairs.

Um, 104.

It's-

- Man, I like your frosty tips. - What server up-

do you?

No. They're fading.

They're actually highlights, but I'm getting it redone tomorrow.

You should. You should because I think that they bring out your inner spartan.

Oh, my god.

Do you?

Spartan?

I'm Josh, by the way.

Yes.

Absolutely, Josh.

Oh...

Oh my goodness.

My flamingoes.

Yay!

- What? - I ordered two live flamingoes for my-

No.

Oh, shits! Due to another gang of meerkat slip...

You... you handle the flamingo situation, I'm gonna go upstairs and find the server.

Everything is gonna be... everything is gonna be fine.

I'm probably gonna make noise.

Why?

This dude last week at my first job was, like, the biggest fucking Chauncey.

Can I help you with something?

I'm here to upgrade the server.

I have a work order.

Who the fuck is this kid?

IT guy.

I didn't call for an IT guy.

Get him out of here, Skinny. I don't have time for this.

Screech, hey, you gotta go.

No.