I Love You, America

‐ How long has it been...

since we've seen each other?

I mean, you're busy here.

‐ I'm very busy.

‐ I got, you know... I'm busy in Washington

and the Senate. ‐ Right.

‐ So when was the last time we saw each other?

‐ Democratic National Convention.

‐ Oh, jeez. Oh, right, right.

Oh, God, I'm just haunted by that.

I mean, I thought what we did was fine,

but if we‐‐ You know, I can't think‐‐

If I just had come up...

with the right combination of words, you know,

that maybe...

maybe it would have made the difference.

‐ You can't beat yourself up about it, you know?

There's nothing you could have said.

You're not that influential.

‐ So comedy‐‐

staying in comedy. That was the right...

thing for you, you think? ‐ Yeah, I have belly laughs,

and it's about truth, and I care about truth.

And it's...you know, I mean... ‐ Yeah.

‐ That's why you got into government,

because it's about truth.

‐ Yeah...

Oh, oh! Thank you, thank you.

‐ Oh, do you wanna split it, or...

‐ Uh, you know, I insist. ‐ Oh...

‐ I insist on you paying it.

‐ Oh, me pay.

‐ Yeah. 'Cause I'm a Senator, no one can buy me dinner.

Right? 'Cause it's like a bribe or something.

‐ Right. ‐ Except for people

who knew me before I ran for office.

And we knew each other, of course,

when you were at "Saturday Night Live"...

‐ But did we know each other that well?

‐ No, not well, but it doesn't matter.

I insist... that all my friends...

buy me, uh...meals.

‐ Okay. No, I can do that.

'Cause they let me just sign for it here.

‐ And leave a really good tip,

'cause she's Scandinavian‐looking...

‐ Oh, yeah. ‐ And she might have family

back in Minnesota. She might be one of these...

"You know who gave me a big tip?"

‐ Sarah Silverman. ‐ Yes. Who was with Al Franken.

And they go, "Oh!"

‐ Al, do me a favor.

I'd love it if you looked into, uh...

looked into this camera... ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ And said, like, "coming up on the show

is dah‐dah‐dah‐dah‐dah." ‐ Okay.

‐ You know, something like that.

‐ Coming up on the show...

What do you mean is "dah‐dah‐dah‐dah‐dah"?

‐ Well, we don't know‐‐ This is a pre‐tape,

and we don't know, uh, where it will‐‐

you know, what episode it'll land on,

so you don't really know what you would say,

but if you just move your mouth...

and then we'll just‐‐

‐ And someone will fill it in? ‐ Yeah, I can fill it in.

Tonight on the show...

Sarah interviews‐‐ ‐ That's your impression of me?

‐ Mostly just the physical. ‐ That was your impression

of me? ‐ Tonight...

‐ Okay, I got it. ‐ That's your impression

of me? ‐ Okay.

Tonight on the show we have...

Halloween costumes,

Tig Notaro, and me, Al Franken.

That was great. ‐

[Psychic Friend's "We Do Not Belong" plays]

Hey, it's my buddy and yours,

Sarah Silverman!

‐ Hey. Oh!

Oh, my goodness.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Oh, my gosh!

Hi, Dave! My friend Dave is here.

That's so random. I love that you're, like,

sitting on the stage in the...

the stage section of the audience.

Well, welcome. Hi. I'll say hi to you after the show.

Hi, sweet buttercup faces.

Hi, chocolate brownie mix from a bowl.

Who deserves love?

You do. ‐ Kicka‐kicka‐cow, kicka‐cow!

‐ Okay.

That person just wants attention,

so don't give it to him.

Give it to me! I don't want any attention.

That's so awful. Why is that a thing?

"He just wants attention. Don't give it to him."

Those are like the saddest two sentences I've ever heard

constantly, growing up.

Why are we...

Honestly, why are we disgusted

when we sense human need?

"He just wants water. Don't give it to him.

"Ew! Look how thirsty he is.

He's like...muhh, chomping his lips."

That is a thing, though: "He just wants attention.

Don't give it to him." You guys have heard that

before, right? Yeah.

‐ You're even acknowledging what his acting out is about‐‐

a need for attention. The fact that you're

actively choosing to withhold it is‐‐is mean!

He just wants attention. Give it to him!

If not out of human empathy,

give it to him to prevent, like,

Hitlers from happening.

How hard would it have been for one of Adolf's friends

to be like, "That's a nice painting of a building.

"That's a nice painting of a landscape.

You should stick with that!"

I mean, not giving attention to someone

who's starved for attention

is literally how you make Hitlers.

And...also some stand‐up comedians, but...

Honestly, I would trade a few Gaffigans

to stop a genocide!

And I know what it is. It's...

it's how they go about asking for attention.

They shout out during a taping of a show, you know?

They‐‐they act out, they pull hair,

they...kill 6 million Jews, you know.

These are the things‐‐ ‐

‐ Too soon?

These are the things that happen

when people do not feel heard.

‐ Hi, Sarah.

‐ Hi, Dave, I‐‐

You remember my friend Dave from about 30 seconds ago.

Hi. What‐‐what's up?

‐ Uh, I have an idea to liven this up a little.

‐ Okay. I'm kind of...

in the middle of talking about, um...

well, making sure people feel heard, so, yes.

I would love to hear your idea, Dave.

What is it? ‐ Uh, it's kinda like a game.

Pick someone in the audience,

and if they can fart on command, they get $500.

‐ That's your idea.

‐ No! ‐ Oh.

‐ There's more complexity to it.

If they can't make themselves fart,

then it's a wash. But if they push too hard

and poop themselves,

they owe the show $500!

And they have seven seconds to do it.

‐ Seven sec‐‐Why seven seconds?

‐ Well, anyone can fart if you give them eight seconds.

‐ Right, of course.

How silly of me. Um...okay.

Thank you, Dave. I'm glad I listened to you.

And I want you to know that I heard you.

Um...I just think

people came here for literally the tiniest bit more

intellectual stimulation than that, like...

‐ I'm not, uh, totally against it.

‐ This is fucking chaos. Dave, can you

give your microphone to this, uh...

I'm sorry, what‐‐what is that?

‐ I came to hear your take,

but his idea does sound...

I would be interested in seeing that.

It's, uh, more than a silly fart game.

It's about... mind over body.

Do we control our bodies,

or do they control us?

It's a question for the ages.

And, um, I think I, as they say,

have one in the chamber.

‐ That's...

that's not what the game even is!

The game isn't "I have to fart, so give me $500."

The game is "I don't have to fart,

but I can make my body produce such for a prize."

Jesus fucking Christ! Fine. We'll do this.

We'll do it with one person.

Allen, can we find a‐‐ Do a contestant thing?

Okay, this guy, um...

And Allen, can you put like seven seconds on the clock?

Okay, um, ready, set, go.

Shut up! Let him work!