Ground Floor

You're going to lose!

You're going to lose, you're going to lose...

Jenny's birthday present isn't a competition.

Oh, that's right. Because... You're going to lose!

You're going to lose, you're going to lose...

No, not this year.

I got this from the startup company on the 13th floor.

They just went under, and they have the best leftover swag. Look at this.

It's a mapping app to find available dogs in your area, okay?

- To have sex with? - No!

For your dog to play with! What is wrong with you guys?

Plus, I got one more thing. Boo-yeow!

Dogtagd novelty dog poop.

Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! No holding hands! It's flu season!

- What's with that gift? - Oh, uh, it's my birthday tomorrow.

No, it's not. Jenny!

Why didn't you tell me it's your birthday tomorrow?

Well, it's just a birthday. I don't know.

- I don't want to make a fuss. - Well, I do want to make a fuss.

And I'm telling you right now,

I'm the best gift giver on the face of this planet.

I'm gonna kick everyone's ass here.

Whoa! It's not a competition.

Psycho!

I don't know, I just never really cared about gifts.

In fact, the best gift that I ever got was for my 8th birthday,

when my mom let me dig a hole in our backyard. (Chuckles)

So your gift was a hole?

That's right... A hole ...

Brody, you're missing the point. It's not about money, you know?

It was so thoughtful. And me and my brothers, we used to sleep in it. Yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna get you a gift that's gonna blow your hole away.

Season 1, Episode 4 "The Gift"

Bro, great news. I just bought a pair of jet skis.

- You mean, like, His and Hers? - Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Except there's no "Hers," it's just "His"

and "His other one."

I thought we agreed that you wouldn't buy any more personal watercrafts

until you at least learned how to swim, or had money.

It's all good.

It's the end of the quarter. Mansfield's about to hand out bonuses.

Mr. Wen. You're getting a bonus?

Congratulations. I hadn't heard.

Mr. Moyer, come here.

The only way to justify a morning cigar is to be either out on a golf course

or in a meeting, and since I was just fined last week

for chipping golf balls up at that helipad,

welcome to our meeting.

Okay. So what's our meeting about?

Oh, I think you know.

Is it about me searching for Jenny's birthday gift on company time?

It is now!

So a gift for Jenny?

I say, what do you get the girl who has nothing?

I'm actually the best gift giver in the world.

You're not even the best gift giver on this balcony.

Guess what I got my wife for her last birthday.

I'll... I'll tell you if you're in the right ballpark.

- I would have no idea. - I got her a ballpark.

Look at this view. Huh? Tell me what you see.

Some very nervous people on a helipad.

Pussies.

I see limitless opportunity.

You know what they see when they look out their windows downstairs?

Nothing. They don't have windows.

Closest thing they're gonna come to an expensive cigar

is about ten seconds from...

Now.

Well, they happen to be really nice people.

No, I didn't say they weren't. They just have a very different world view.

Ooh, sweet! Morning cigar!

You know, if you... If you do buy Jenny a nice gift...

And you should, because she deserves it...

You're going to be injecting money into the equation,

and that changes everything.

Hey, I'm not worried. Like Jenny always says, money can't buy happiness.

And like I always say, bullshit!

Money absolutely can buy happiness.

Listen, Jenny is one of the happiest people I have ever met,

and the best gift she ever got was a hole.

Let me... let me just tell you something.

Money put my girls through the finest schools in this country.

Money also let me build that maternity ward at the hospital.

And money is going to pay for that helicopter's new window.

Fore!

- That's the dog sex site, right? - Okay, it's not a dog sex site.

It's a way for dogs to meet other like-minded dogs to play with.

Well, I will wear it proudly.

- Oh! (Gasps) A poop, too? - Ooh! Surprise!

Well, I'm giving you something that nobody else here can give you.

What are you doing?

I have over 10,000 gay Twitter followers.

And after I tweet this picture of you and I, they will all be following you.

- Are you ready? - Uh-huh.

Congratulations. You just got gayed.

Thanks, but I'm... I'm not on Twitter.

Oh!

I went halfsies on the poop.

Okay, okay, okay. Winning gift coming through.

- Okay. - Oh.

Don't be intimidated by the size of my package. (Laughs)

All right, Jenny, go ahead and open it up.

- Uh... - Okay.

Oh, wow, that's me.

Yeah, look closer. You see it?

It's a mosaic.

It's you made out of a bunch of tiny photos of me. (Laughs)

Oh, wow, Harvard, I... um...

I don't know what to say.

It's not serial killer-y at all.

- Your serve. - Well, uh, you certainly set the bar...

In a secret room in your basement, but, uh,

I happen to have a pretty good gift myself.

You didn't have to.

But I'm really, really glad that you did.

- Ooh! A hoodie! - Yeah.

Damn, dude, that hoodie doesn't even have a logo on it!

- Oh, it's nice! - Thanks.

Oh! So soft! (Laughs)

Oh, holy freaking crap, this is soft.

Oh. It's wonderful. I love it. Thank you.

Guys, guys, do you...

Wanna know how I did the mole on your cheek?

- No! - No!

Relax. It is not what you're thinking.

Oh, my God.

It's my butt.

Okay, there's no question I'm getting a bonus, right?

I've hit all my targets, I have worked three Saturdays a month.

I even shagged golf balls off that helipad for Mansfield,

and those balls come in fast, man!

Well, don't tell me. Tell Mansfield.

You're right.

I shouldn't be afraid of my boss.

He's just a man.

He doesn't have special powers.

- Who doesn't have special powers? - Ohh!

Did you want to tell me something, Mr. Wen?

Uh, yeah, sir. I, uh, have been thinking

a lot about my quarter, and I can say with absolute confidence

that I definitely believe that I, uh, quite possibly

deserve a bonus of some type if...

You agree.

I think you've just answered your own question, don't you, Mr. Wen?

Yes.

And look at you.

You seem pretty pleased with yourself.

I recognize that look from my very own mirror, of course. (Chuckles)

I got Jenny an Henri Pétard cashmere hoodie, and she loves it.

Thataboy!

- (Laughs) All right! - Yeah.

- You ruined her. - What?

See this Bordeaux?

It is spectacular.

In fact, it's one of the top five vintages in the history of grapes.

My mentor gave me a case 20 years ago when I made partner.

If you drink this wine, it will ruin all other wines for you forever.

Oh. Well, that's impossible. I've had lots of good wine before.

I spent a semester abroad in France.

Fair enough. Drink up.

Ooh. That's good. Really good.

Here it comes. Three, two...

Oh, my God, I'm finding taste buds I never even knew I had.

Is it possible to taste color? My tongue is alive!

Ooh!

- And finally... - I miss my dad.

Yeah.

And now any other wine you ever drink will taste like cat piss.

Just like the hoodie that you got for Jenny

will make all of her other clothes feel like she is slow-dancing with a cactus.

You've exposed her to the finer things.

- There's no going back now. - Sir, you don't know Jenny.

It gives me no joy to be right. Well, that's not true.

It gives me tremendous joy to be right.

I-it gives me no joy to see your relationship

come undone by virtue of a gift.

I bet you're wrong.

I bet this gift brings Jenny and me even closer.

I'll take that bet. If I'm right, I get your bonus.

Fair enough. And if I'm right?

- You get a unicorn. - What?

What's it matter? You can't win.

Fine. Fine, fine. If you win, I will put up the final bottle of this Bordeaux.

- It's a bet. - Fine. Let's drink to it.

This is the 2007 wine of the year.

It is the second-best wine you will ever have.

Let me know how that tastes.

Cat piss, right? Yeah.

You stroke that thing any harder, it's gonna have to buy you dinner.

It's the softest thing that I have ever felt.

Of course that douche has to go out and get you a gift

that makes all our gifts look crappy.

Hey, he is not a douche, okay?

It's just a hoodie. Anybody could have bought it.

Whoa! Not that hoodie.

- It's an Henri Pétard. - What?

He only uses wool made from the underbelly of goats

who have spent their entire lives beings pampered, groomed, and gently masturbated.

Ooh.