Departures

- I think we should skip right to the fucking end.

Here I am in the local cruising ground.

No, I'm not about to get noshed off.

I'm about to get dumped.

I'm calling it a day, mate.

Like, I can't do this anymore.

Fuck you!

Calm down.

You're having a good time.

You weren't complaining at the time

when I was paying for all your fucking holidays were you?

You were looking forward to be sitting here right now.

You're lucky to have spent time with me for that time.

Like, just be thankful for that time at least.

Spiteful face fucking you're overstepping the boundary

and that's it. That's the fucking end.

I really wish

that was the fucking end.

- You had a good run. Fuck off.

- And even though it's been like, what,

three months?

Still fucking hurts.

Sorry that I sent you all them fucked up messages last night

I ended up getting really fucked.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

I fucking love you.

I fucking absolutely love you.

You're a fucking prick.

We don't have to have dinner,

we can just meet up and we can just fuck.

Like I'm not even hard.

Just really fucking struggling with it all at the minute.

Really, really sorry.

This is the fifth guy that I've had round this week.

The Dom.

Rough and ready.

He also works at my local supermarket

and he lives with his elderly mum, Joanne.

- Hi dear. - She's dead sweet.

All right, all right.

Do you like poppers?

- Yeah. - Do you?

- Yeah. - Sniff that one.

How open are you now?

Do you like being fucking open?

Yeah you do.

There you are.

Have you ever thought,

how the fuck did I end up here?

Now, this moment here

is the first time I remember

getting really, really turned on.

That's it, yeah.

Fucking smell that.

Fucking yeah.

- It is gonna be so awkward

when I buy milk off him in the morning.

- Are you just gonna play with that

or are you gonna eat it?

I feel sick.

Oh, come on.

I made that from scratch, darling.

Look at the state of you.

Is this you now?

This is it?

My mum.

She wasn't perfect...

But do you know what?

It would've been so much fucking easier

if you were just with a bird.

Do you know what I mean?

Look at ya.

Jesus Christ.

I thought we could have fun together,

but I want a happy gay.

I'm giving you advice.

I'm telling you not to go out drinking every night

and you are.

So if you're not gonna listen to me,

you are not moving in.

- She's way better than she used to be.

- I wanted a fucking grandkids. That's all.

But oh no!

Old fucking selfish faggot chops.

Listening in are ya?

Fucking poof.

What about AIDs?

I did not say that.

I would never say that.

You did.

- Are you seeing your mate Daniel recently?

- Daniel from year 11 at school?

No, I've not. - Yeah.

He just moved in with his misses.

Look at him. He's doing really well for himself.

And look at you.

State of it.

- You know he is fruity don't you?

- Fruity? - Fruity.

What?

- What do you think we were doing upstairs in the bedroom

when we were kids?

- Are you actually kidding me?

- Did you ever have that mate in school

that just wanted to wank with you all the time?

Well, I did.

And it never made you gay unless you actually...

- Benji, what the fuck are you doing, man?

Bruv.

- I thought that's what you wanted.

- You thought that's what I wanted?

You fucking kidding me?

I swear to fucking God, Benji,

if you tell anyone about this,

I'll fucking kill you.

Okay?

I'll fucking kill you.

Faggot.

- He was back in my bed the following weekend.

- I just want you to be happy.

I really do.

- It's really difficult to like get it out my head

and I think that's why I just keep drinking,

'cause I'm like,

I just keep thinking about him all the time.

Do you know what I mean?

He don't wanna know you.

So why should you wanna know him?

- Well, I just can't get him out of my head mum.

Like it's really fucking me up.

- But you think he's thinking about you?

All I want for you

is to get yourself a job,

stop selling pigeons.

- Hello. - Hello.

Hello.

I'm Ryan. This is Benji.

We're knocking on doors today

collecting money for Save the Birds UK.

It's 50p a month. - Save the what?

- Save the Birds. - Oh!

In the UK. Yeah.

It's 50p for one bird sponsorship

or it's 75p for two birds per month.

Okay, so what kind of birds?

What do I get? What bird?

- So we're still doing the lovely Christmas cards

that you get sent each Christmas.

We've also got some really nice badges

that get sent out.

Ooh, what color badges?

- Yes, you can get blue, green, pink.

What color blue?

- We've got swimming pool blue, baby blue.

Exactly like this?

No, I don't like it.

What about a sapphire blue?

- Yeah, I think there's sapphire blue as well.

Oh, wow.

- Listen lady, are you gonna sponsor a fucking bird or what?

Ryan, AKA the Bellend.

He has lost me so much commission over the years,

but he's got a good heart

and he's pretty fit.

You fucking taking the piss mate?

You know what? Fuck off.

- What a fucking tight bitch she was.

- Were you just born with a fucking massive nob

on your head, mate?

- Mate, I cannot be bothered to do this anymore.

Can we please go and find some real birds?

Find you a cuckold mate.

- How the fuck have you got any money?

- I've got business savvy, haven't I?

- Yeah. - Hey, what's up?

What's the matter with you?

What's up?

Oh, come on mate.

Come on, let's go find some real fanny.

Come on. It's bank holiday weekend. Please.

Please.

I know you don't like Fanny.

I know you like the dick

but this is for me, isn't it?

Because they're always like, "Oh, my God,

he's so gay,"

and I'm like,

"Oh, I'm not. I'm fucking straight."

- No, I'm just not really in a good place

at the moment mate at all, like at all.

Oh, come on mate.

What else would you be doing?

Hey, come on mate.

All right.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Yes. Come on then.

Let's fucking get the fanny.

Come on. Let's go mate.

Whoa! Here we go.

Come on. Fucking suck that boy.