Last Man Standing

We should put on some Christmas music.

Oh! You know how much I love that Nat King Cole album.

Oh, boy, do I.

Played it constantly last year.

I sure hope no one hid it.

Uh, just not "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer."

That is the saddest song ever.

All those other reindeer are so mean to him...

making fun of him, not letting him play with them.

I hate them.

Well, they're mean to him in the beginning,

but then they all love Rudolph in the end.

Wait.

Wait, really?

I always turn it off before the end.

I'm gonna go listen to that right now.

Okay.

We found all the pictures of the girls with Santa Claus,

or, as I call it, the museum of crying.

Hey, uh, can we talk about Christmas dinner?

What do you guys think about having it at my house?

But, honey, I'm the one who usually cooks for two days,

then watches everything get wolfed down during halftime

and then cleans up by myself.

Of course you can!

Great.

With my new dining room set, I can fit all nine of us at the table

without anyone having to sit on Ryan's tribal drum.

Nine of us? There's only eight of us.

Or do you guys count me twice 'cause I eat both drumsticks?

No, I just thought...

Of course... eight.

Eh, I'm terrible with numbers.

Says the girl who's in charge of payroll at the Grill.

Think she's talking about your secret boyfriend.

I don't know what you're talking about... Oh, give it up, Eve! Come on.

You can't hide him forever, like that snake you found in third grade.

What snake?

All right! Fine!

His name is Rob. He's really nice.

The... the boyfriend, not the snake.

His name was Walter.

Why can't we meet him? We're nice.

I mean, we are nice, damn it!

Eve, Eve, it has to happen sooner or later, okay?

If there was a way not to meet Dad, trust me... Ryan would've found it.

Yeah.

Rob's dating a Baxter daughter.

He eventually has to face... Baxter.

Why don't you guys come here for brunch after church tomorrow?

Y-Yeah, Rob... doesn't eat.

What?

He's a scientific wonder.

All right, fine. I'll ask him.

It's true!

They shouted out his name in glee.

It's a Christmas miracle!

Okay, the quiche is ready, coffee is brewed.

And I have champagne chilling for mimosas.

Oh, wait... is Rob 21?

He's 20, but I could use a couple of snorts right now.

He's 15 minutes late.

I don't think me or the cold bacon approve of this kid.

We are not here to pass judgment on Rob.

Well, maybe you're not, but that's the only reason why I'm here.

Oh, that's him.

Uh, Dad, try not to be...

just be less...

Ugh. What's the use?

Look, I think Eve really likes this boy, so let's help him feel comfortable.

Vanessa, please.

Mom, Dad...

...this is Rob.

- Hey, Rob. - Hey.

Mike. Vanessa.

A watch.

Yeah. I'm really sorry I'm late.

Oh, no, please, it's fine. It's so nice to meet you, Rob.

These are for you.

Oh, how sweet!

Mike, isn't that sweet?

Yeah.

Nothing for me?

Here's $4.

Sense of humor... That's important.

Okay, well, we better get going.

We have another brunch to get to.

No, stop. Stop. Come on. Everything's ready.

Please, please be seated.

I'm sorry again for being late.

I was at church, and things went really long.

So, basically, you're blaming God.

I am so glad we're doing this.

Uh, Mike, want to say the blessing?

Uh, wait a minute.

Why doesn't Rob do it? He just got back from church.

I bet he could pray his ass off.

Uh... sure. Yeah.

Uh, I'd be happy to.

Good.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

God, you are really cool.

Looks like we have us a Bible scholar.

You're cool because even though all people see you differently,

you see all of us the same.

Help us to be like that.

Help us to not look for the differences, but see the similarities.

Bring us peace in our lives, in our country, and in the world.

Amen.

- Amen. - Amen. - Amen.

Well, that kid came from church.

- Morning. - Morning.

- Table for one? - Yes.

But I'm not alone.

I'm recently married!

Yes.

My husband is off conducting business.

Uh, Mandy, nobody cares.

Okay.

So, where is Kyle?

Taxidermy class.

He's gotten back into it.

Making dead things look alive.

Ah.

It's creepy, you know?

Sometimes when he looks into my eyes,

I wonder if he's thinking about replacing them with marbles.

I wanted him to go Christmas shopping with me

so I could point out what I want.

You want Rogaine For Women?

No.

Over.

Ooh! Pretty watch.

I know, right?

And look at how great it looks on me.

See, just, you... and then it would be smaller.

Uh-huh. Right. Yeah.

So, I was wondering if you'd do me a favor.

Maybe drop a hint to Kyle?

Something subtle like, "Get Mandy that."

Sure thing.

Hey, you, uh, want something to eat?

Yeah, uh, I'll have the mushroom frittata and the apple-cinnamon pancakes.

It's a lot, I know.

But I can always take it home to my husband.

Mm-hmm, yeah, but '98 Super Bowl,

he does that helicopter spin, gets a first down.

Elway went from becoming a god to Reagan.

Oh, well, one of the greatest of all time.

Right. Elway or Reagan?

Doesn't matter. You're right either way.

You know, we have those Broncos season tickets.

Well, maybe you can go to a game with us sometime.

Well, that'd be great.

Maybe when they're playing the Raiders. That's my team.

Oh, damn.

It was going so well.

Might be a good time to pray again.

I-I hate the Raiders.

Yeah, a lot of people do.

All right, enough with the football.

Let's talk about politics or... religion.

My dad's from Oakland... lifelong Raider fan.

I love my dad, and I love my silver and black.

Ah, see that, Mike?

He loves his dad.

Yeah, so he says.

Okay, well, um, this has been... fraught with peril, so... we got to go.

Uh, Evie, you know, I've got, uh, some mail that came for you on my desk,

so why don't you come with me to get it, and, uh, you know,

we can talk about something cute

and, uh, something maybe really perfect for you.

So, you go to C.U. up in Boulder.

What's your major?

Um, criminal justice.

That'll come in handy.

You might work for the Oakland Raiders someday.

That's a big party school up there at C.U.

Oof.

Yeah, it's... crazy.

Yeah, yeah.

See, this is where you say, "That's not my thing."

It's really not.

Um... anymore.

I'm "trudging the road of happy destiny."

If you know... what I mean.

I'm afraid I don't.

Is that an Adam Sandier movie?

I'm in A.A.

Yeah, I took my nine-month chip this morning.

I was in church, just in the basement with bad coffee.

Nine months, huh?

Eh... Can I ask you to keep this to yourself?

It's just, Mrs. Baxter enjoys her wine,

and, you know, sometimes, people can get nervous around alcoholics.

Hmm. Imagine that.

Hey, Rob, we better get going.

I've got work this afternoon.