A.P. Bio

Hey, watch out!

Are you crazy? You almost killed me!

- Yeah, so sorry to scare you. - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Where you going?

I thought you wanted to talk.

Huh, you were talking before, man.

What happened?

- All right, everybody, let's go ahead

and start to shut up now.

Let's go ahead and start to settle into your seats

and begin shutting your mouths.

All rights, so my name...

My name's Jack Griffin.

And I don't wanna be here.

I am an award-winning philosophy scholar,

who for reasons I won't go in to

finds himself with a free year.

So I'm living in my dead mom's apartment here in Toledo

while killing a little bit of time teaching...

Advanced Placement Biology.

But here's the deal, I do not care about biology.

We're not gonna do any biology in here.

And to be perfectly clear,

this won't be one of those things

where over the course of a year

I secretly teach it to you.

This also won't be one of those things

where I end up learning more from you

than you do from me.

I know more than all of you combined,

so, ha, that doesn't make any sense.

I'm gonna spend the majority of my time

mentally breaking my nemesis

with the ultimate goal of taking his job

as the head of Stanford Philosophy

and then I'm gonna have sex with as many women

as I possibly can throughout the entire state of California.

But you don't need to concern yourselves with that.

Uh, let's see.

Feel like I might be forgetting something.

"Mentally breaking my nemesis,

sex with every woman in California."

No, that was it.

Welcome to AP Bio.

One, two, three, four!

- * Next time I'll listen to my heart *

Absolute garbage.

Put 'em down.

Look, I realize you guys are all nerds

and you want good GPAs, all right?

Is that what's going on here?

I'll make you a deal.

If you tell anybody I'm not teaching you biology,

you get an F.

If you keep your mouth shut, you get an A-plus.

Look at it this way.

You guys are all tired teens.

This is gonna be your opportunity to take a nap.

And if you're not tired,

pop an Advil PM,

and you will be out, trust me.

What are you doing? Come on, put your hand down.

I'm serious.

You're months away from being an adult,

and you need to start acting like one.

Just talk.

My name is Sarika Sarkar,

and I speak on behalf of the entire student body

when I express our extreme displeasure

in you not teaching us biology.

- I'm sorry, could you say it again?

I believe I speak on behalf...

No, no, not that junk.

Your name.

Oh, Sarika Sarkar.

That's a great name.

I love the philosopher Prabhat Sarkar.

The entire universe exists within the cosmic mind.

What are you guys doing? Don't write that down.

That's not me teaching you stuff.

Who's this prince of darkness?

This your book?

So?

I think you're in trouble.

Could we, uh...

Could I talk to you out here for a second?

Uh-huh.

Could I get a new chair?

- A new cha... well, I don't know if that's in our budget.

- It's fine, forget it. - Okay.

- Forget it. What's up?

Um...

Is it laundry day or...

- What's that supposed to mean, man?

I probably forgot to tell you,

we sort of have a bit of a dress code here, so...

- Hey, look, Ralph, I want to wear sweatpants.

You want to say that your school's got

a former Harvard professor teaching at it, right?

Looks good for your school, right?

- Okay, please, I wasn't trying to be aggressive here.

- Right, but what you said to me right now, it sucked.

- Okay. - You know, the worst part is

I was starting to like you, man.

You know, like in a buds who get drinks once a week

kind of a way.

Well, that's... that's us.

We could still do that. - I don't know.

- I... you know what, I think you're just

blowing this thing out of proportion.

Because I'm a laidback principal.

You know, they make me wear this suit.

I don't want to dress this sharp every day,

but I have to 'cause I'm an authority figure,

but I'm still laidback, and you're gonna see that.

You know what,

let's forget the whole thing.

Come here. - All right, I... I...

Come here.

That's my guy.

- Do you still wanna get that beer tonight or...

No. No, no, no.

See, I'm trying to make a plan to bang my high school ex

as hard as I can, you know what I'm saying?

- Let's use our hallway voice when we talk about that.

- Yes, I'm trying to set that up.

- All right. Okay.

All right.

You wrecked the sign.

That's why I came here to...

It's too late, Ralph, It's too late.

Uh, let's see a hall pass.

You were holding it, okay.

* I am a pilgrim

Hello.

Miles, it's Jack.

- Jack, greetings from California.

- Yeah, I heard you got the Stanford job.

Also, congrats on the new book making the bestseller list.

I'm sure you'll keep killing everything,

barring some sort of mental collapse.

Hey, look, I think forcing you out of Harvard

was an overreaction.

I'm sure there's tons of schools dying to snag you.

Yeah, no, big time.

Yeah, I'm just kind of weighing all my options.

Look, Miles, I gotta run.

- Okay. All right, mate.

Hey, listen, next time you're out west, okay?

Jack?

Didn't drop at all.

* Well I got a home in

- Yo, that's a nice backpack, freak.

Give me your backpack, psycho.

Hey, did you hear me?

You deaf or something? Give me your back...

Where you going?

Where you going? Come here.

So then my date shows up to my house

in a soaking wet T-shirt,

talking about something he just got out of the bath.

- Now what kinda grown baby man still takes baths?

- See, that's what I said. It's like, who is this?

My husband takes baths.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Okay, so anyway, the date was at a full medium,

and he has the nerve to text me, like, ten minutes ago,

talking about some, "Do a butt pic."

Okay, he sounds like a jerk.

But do you want us to take a pic of your butt?

- No, no, no, no, 'cause see, this is how I do it.

Okay, so now the dumb ones don't know

that this is an arm butt.

- Hmm. - So then I take this.

And I just go ahead and just line that up.

Let that focus a little bit.

There we go. Little juicy cheeks.

- That looks like a crack. - Juicy, okay.

- See the new guy knows what's up.

From Harvard?

Yeah.

Ooh, Harvard Jack.

All right, well, have you been out on any dates lately?

- Funny you should ask, I've actually got firm plans

to bang my high school ex as hard as I can tonight, so...

- Oh, he's gonna bang her as hard as he can tonight.

Not regular hard. Aggressively hard.

- So it seems like you're enjoying yourself here?

- God no. I'm teaching high school in Toledo.

It's terrible.

- Anyways, guess what I'm making the kids do

in my class today. Both: What?

- They have to draw a flattering picture of me

and then give it to their dads.

- Ooh, yes, you know what I tell my kids.

Okay, 'cause you know how we're learning

about recycling, right? - Mm-hmm.

- I just made them clean the trash

out the backseat of my car.

Snatch that plastic and recycle it.