Two and a Half Men

Thank you.

Wow. She's cute.

She sure is.

She sucks in bed.

And not in a good way.

Her, too?

I-I didn't even know she was gay.

Neither did she, till last Thursday.

You're like some kind of lesbian zombie

infecting all the women of Malibu.

Ha!

I like that.

: Must have vagina.

: Must have vagina.

Sounds like some kind of weird help wanted ad

Alan would place.

So when did you realize that you were gay?

Oh, oh...

What's that I hear?

Is that your own closet door finally swinging open?

Trust me, if I was gay

you'd be the first one to know.

You know, I think I was in high school

when I figured it out.

A bunch of my friends were having a sleepover

and we started talking about

what it would be like to kiss a boy

and who was the best kisser.

So me and my friend Kimberly,

who was a cheerleader,

decided to settle it by making out.

A-a cheerleader?

Let the woman talk.

Kimberly was so hot.

I still remember how soft her lips felt

as she slipped her hand under my shirt

and kissed her way down my body.

Must've been a strange and confusing time for you.

Please continue.

She closed her eyes.

She parted her lips.

She arched her back

and I whispered in her ear,

"Oh, my God,

"Kimberly,

"I can't believe

"these two idiots

actually believe this story."

And then what happe... Aw!

Damn it!

It's not that complicated.

The first time you masturbate thinking about the school nurse

you pretty much know.

Oh, my God, I'm a lesbian.

We need to start hanging out with girls who aren't gay.

Or related to us.

How 'bout her?

Oh, I suppose I could go talk to her.

I think Jenny was talking about me.

Oh, really?

And you assume that just because you're rich and good-looking?

No, I was going to say smart and charming,

but if you mix all those ingredients together,

you make one delicious hot guy pie.

Well, your "hot guy pie" is no match for my system.

No, hold on.

Going on Craigslist and looking up "escorts"

isn't a system.

That is not my system,

that is my backup plan.

My system consists of the three "C"s:

connect, charm and cry.

Works every time.

Uh, okay...

"Hi, my name's Alan.

"That is a beautiful blouse you're wearing.

My dead wife was buried in one just like it."

Yeah, my system's a lot simpler.

I wait for you to finish talking

and then I take them home.

Oh, oh, big words coming from somebody

sitting alone next to me. Oh.

Okay, fine. Well, let's just go see who she likes better.

Oh, my God.

No one is safe.

Hey, do you think all women are potentially lesbians?

Um, I have 30 years

of masturbating to porn that say yes.

You know, you brag more

about your masturbating prowess

than any person I know.

It ain't bragging if it's true.

Ooh. Alpha bravo, two bogeys on your six.

Why are you talking like that?

Oh, my... Did you have a stroke?

It's airplane talk.

I'm your wingman.

It... it just means two cute girls just walked in.

Why didn't you just say two cute girls just walked in?

Roger that.

Will you stop that?Over and out.

Wow. Yeah.

They are cute. Yeah, yeah.

So, uh... so what's the play here?

Um, uh... how about something like, uh...

"Hey, uh, those seats are taken,

but our faces aren't"?

How about, "I'm Walden,

and this is my mute friend Alan"?

Fine.

You think you've got such great game, lead the way,

Mr. "I'm too good for Craigslist and masturbating."

Hi.

Hi.

That's all I got.

Uh, ladies, uh, uh, how much does a polar bear weigh?

Oh, I don't know.

Enough to break the ice. I'm Dr. Alan Harper.

Uh, this is my associate Walden Schmidt.

Google him, he's rich.

If you Google me, you can see my boobs.

Also if you do this.

Hi.

Oh, oh, uh, take another look,

but this time spell "attic."

A-T-T-I-C.

Oh! I get it.

Because these are my tee-tees

and I see them.

I'm sorry about my friend. I'm sorry about my friend.

Walden. Jill.

So, Alan, what kind of doctor are you?

Oh, I'm a...

a chiropractor...

slash brain surgeon.

Oh!

So, uh, w-what do you guys do?

We're princesses at a theme park.

Really?

Yeah, I play Cinderella

and she's the Little Mermaid.

Oh, well, that certainly makes sense

because, uh, you "swept"

my friend off his feet

and-and I'm "hooked" on you.

Oh, my God, that's funny

because I'm a fish.

Yes.

The answer to the question you're not asking is:

because she makes me look smart.

Well, the answer to the question you're not asking is:

because he won't move out.

Morning.Oh, hey.

How great was last night?

It was pretty good.

Those girls didn't know what hit 'em.

What'd you use, chloroform or Tasers?

I will have you know

that Walden and I have dates tonight

with two theme park princesses.

Mine's Cinderella.

Perfect for you.

Storybook beauty.

And mine is the Little Mermaid.

Perfect for you.

No legs to run away.

I'm telling you, if we play our cards right,

we're gonna get ourselves some fairy-tail.

"Fairy-tail"?

Because, you know, "tail" has two meanings.

Yeah, so does "fairy."

Hey, guys.

Hi. Hey.

This is Maria.

Maria, this is Walden and Alan.

Oh, that's so cool.

You didn't tell me your parents were gay.

Didn't I?

Dad and Mom.

Hi. It's nice to meet you.

Uh, listen, I gotta go.

But you are going to call me, right?

Absolutely. You sure?

Yes.

I would not lie to you in front of my parents.

Bye, it was nice meeting you.

Don't be a stranger, dear.

That's not the girl you picked up in the bar last night.

No, she delivered the pizza

to me and the girl I picked up at the bar last night.

Well, I hope you gave her a good tip.

Nah, she didn't come in 30 minutes or less.

Whoa.

Fashion Police.

Pull over.

What?

The reason I stopped you

is it appears your style has expired.

You don't like this sweater?

I thought it looked good.