Off the Record

Good evening, everybody.

I'm Astor Grey,

and you guys are in for a real treat,

because tonight, for the first time

in front of a live audience,

I will be performing my one-woman reenactment

of Weekend at Bernie's.

Thank you.

You should absolutely say yes.

Brandyn is so hot,

and he's got a lot of great connections.

Do you think he messages a bunch of women

asking them to record with him, though?

Probably. Who cares?

Okay, make sure he wears a condom,

and then text me if it gets too weird.

Dude, I don't know.

It just seems crazy. He's a total stranger.

What if he's, like, a complete wiener?

He's not a stranger.

He's Brandyn Verge.

I bet the sex will be great.

Come on, you deserve to have fun.

Fuck.

Okay. Oh, my God, I'm gonna say yes.

And just pray that I don't end up

on the next episode of My Favorite Murder.

He's not gonna kill you.

Besides, he put you on his social media.

- That is a declaration of love. - I don't know.

After my video, he posted a bunch of cats

he wants to adopt, so...

- That is so sweet. - I know.

Maybe he wants to adopt you too.

I hope so.

Sorry I'm late.

- God, you look stunning. - Thank you.

I think I'm a little overdressed.

No, I'm-- I'm just a slob.

- Nice car. - Thanks.

You live on a boat?

Yeah, it's tiny, but it's perfect for me.

Cool.

Um, I got a crazy idea.

What are you doing tomorrow?

I don't know. What's happening?

Well, I just wanna take you to the weirdest place on earth.

What, you wanna go to Disneyland?

No, it's a surprise.

You're not gonna murder me

and throw my body in a ditch, are you?

Well, you're not gonna murder me

and throw my body in a ditch, are you?

I guess we just have to trust each other.

Okay, let's go.

So, I'm so hungover. Just barfed my brains out.

Couldn't hardly stand. No passport, by the way.

The lady at the Delta counter, she's like,

"Sir, I think you're in the wrong San Juan."

You're so stupid.

Yeah.

No offense.

Come on.

Your first concert was Willie Nelson?

- Yeah. - That is so badass.

Wait, how old were you?

Uh, I was, like, eight or nine.

Okay. Yeah.

Nice.

Okay, so, was Mom a cowgirl or a pothead?

Mom is a Venice Beach hippie.

Hmm. Pothead. Got it.

I mean, maybe back in the day, but not anymore.

At least not to my knowledge.

Mm-hmm. Right.

So, what does Secret Stoner Mom do now?

Mom is a painter.

- You guys close? - We are, yeah. Um...

she brought me to so many great concerts when I was a kid,

and she had this old record player,

and she would basically give me music history lessons.

I can still picture her just

digging through these massive stacks.

- Yeah, that's the best. - Yeah.

Okay, what about Dad?

I never knew my dad, actually.

He-- he died surfing

when my mom was, like, nine months pregnant.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry.

Oh, it's okay. Thank you.

Um, he's always been more of a concept to me, really.

Um, but my mom was actually there when it happened.

He-- he paddled out,

and then he just never came back.

- Fuck. - Yeah.

Um, she just sat there on the beach all day,

just praying, but they never found his body.

Man, that is-- that's heartbreaking.

Sorry.

And Mom's, like, dated around a little bit,

but I swear she, like, intentionally picks losers

so that she won't get attached, you know?

- Oh, no. That's the worst. - Yeah.

I think she just never really got over my dad.

- But... - Yeah.

What about you? Are you close with your parents?

- Who, Bob and Cindy? - Yeah.

Well, uh,

when I was about five,

Bob found the requirements of fatherhood too trying.

So, you know, he bailed.

Cindy was pretty bitter.

She worked all the time.

But when she wasn't working, she...

told me to leave her alone and locked herself in her room.

Just-- I think I look too much like my dad, really.

It's just like a-- like a bad reminder.

I'm so sorry.

You were just a kid.

You know, it's water under the bridge.

I still send her an Edible Arrangement

every year on her birthday, 'cause she loves that shit.

So I do it.

Oh, yeah. We're here.

Oh, my gosh.

This place is big.

Yeah, well, it belongs to my manager, Tom.

Wow.

- Look at the stars. - Yeah.

You know, I don't really believe in coincidences.

I think something special brought us together.

Other than the Instagram algorithm?

So, does affection make you a little uncomfortable?

No, I don't know.

I just, like, make stupid jokes when I'm nervous.

Don't be nervous.

Let me give you a tour. This place is sick.

Beautiful.

Yeah, I think it was one of Dylan's.

Tom's a big guitar collector, so...

Oh, my God.

Are you sure it's okay if I play it?

Yeah, it's cool.

Okay.

Well...

Mmm.

- Okay. - What?

Uh, I've never played this for anybody before.

I just wrote it.

- All good. - Okay.

Holy shit.

Astor, your voice is insane. That was incredible.

Thank you.

God, you are extraordinary.

Do you have any idea how much you turn me on?

Rise and shine.

Didn't we just go to bed?

We got shit to do.

I don't suppose you're gonna tell me where we're going.

Of course not. Come on, you can sleep in the car.

Come on.

What is that smell?

Ah, rotting fish.

I think we learned about this place at school.

- Salton Sea? - Yeah.

Isn't this, like, an ecological disaster?

Yeah, pretty much.

They stocked the sea full of, like, millions of fish.

People came from all over.

But they knew it wouldn't last that long

'cause with no fresh water coming in, it'd get too salty.

What happened to all the fish?

They died. And a bunch of birds, too.

- Oh, that's so sad. - I know.

Weirdly, I can relate.

- To a poisonous lake? - Yeah.

You know, at first it's new and exciting,