Two and a Half Men

You, uh, got a minute, boss?

Actually, I'm kind of busy.

I'm pushing new code on an API for this e-comm platform.

"I am from the future.

I am a handsome robot."

Look, I-I wouldn't bother you with this

if I didn't think it was important.

Okay. Just make it quick.

That's my specialty.

Ask any woman I've ever been with.

I will call them both.

What do you got?

Behold your new

coffee mug.

What?

Remember? You asked me to look for new mugs for your office.

What do you think?

Well, there's a hole on the top

and no hole on the bottom.

Nailed it.

Thanks.

Uh, so, uh, what do you want written on it?

Written on it?

Uh, your choices are

"Coffee," "Java" or "Joe."

I don't know. Just... Joe.

Excellent choice.

Although... what if you hire a guy named Joe?

I-I think the temptation for these mugs

to walk out the door is a little too high.

Fine. Just write "Coffee" on it.

Great! Uh, coffee in the mug,

and coffee on the mug. Love it!

Oh, uh...

but, uh, let me run this past you:

"Java the Mug."

You know, because of Star Wars.

Stop!

Right. Right.

You're busy.

Oh! Uh, one last thing.

Oh, good God! Alan,

I hired you as my assistant

so I don't have to think about things like this.

Oh, yeah, I know,

but I want to do a good job for you.

I mean, you're gonna look at this every day

and I don't want you to hate it.

That does happen with things

I look at every day.

Okay, so one final question:

do you want your mug to be left-handed or right-handed?

You're kidding, right?

No, some people hold 'em in their left hand,

some people hold 'em in their right hand.

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Okay. Okay.

Changing your mug from "World's Greatest Boss"

to "World's Smartest Boss."Okay.

I'm gonna go pee.

Oh, oh, as long as you're in the bathroom, uh,

I left three different types of toilet tissue in there for you.

Uh, let me know which one is best.

Oh! And the brown one is not a joke.

"Hire me, Walden. I can be your assistant."

You know what your mug should say? "World's Worst Employee."

Oh, World's Second Worst Employee.

Hey, nap time's over.

I'm not napping.

I threw my back out.

My God, are you okay? What happened?

It seized up when I was climbing into your bed to take a nap.

Okay, uh, everything's gonna be okay.

Just... relax.

Alan, get up here!

Why are you calling Zippy?

He's a chiropractor-- he can help.

Oh, stop.

It hurts when I laugh. Oh.

Has this happened before?

Once. At a bike rally in Sturgis.

Me and a couple of Hells Angels decided to drop acid

and get naked.

Alan!

What's going on?

Is something wrong?

Berta threw her back out.

Oh, no. What should we do?

Well, I called a chiropractor.

Great.

Oh, me! Oh...

Duh.

Well, uh, let's see what we got here.

Where's the pain?

Standing in front of me asking stupid questions.

Berta, be nice. Alan's a doctor.

: Oh. Oh.

Yes, yes, ha-ha.

But I can help you.

Although I am legally obligated to tell you

my license has expired.

But thankfully backs haven't changed that much

since my unsuccessful board review.

So, uh, you can't move at all?

Every time I do, it tightens up more.

Oh, sounds like a classic back spasm.

You probably just need bed rest and ice, uh,

but, just in case, let me see if you need a spinal adjustment.

Touch me and you die.

: She may also need an attitude adjustment.

Okay, I'll call my doctor and have him come take a look.

Western medicine. He'll probably just prescribe pain killers.

Call him.

I will. In the meantime,

you stay here as long as you need.

I'll take the guest room.

Why? My back's out but my front still works.

Be like Sturgis all over again.

Oh...

Morning.

Hey.

Hey, were you alone last night?

Yeah, why?

Because from 11:15 to 11:22,

all I heard was, "Oh, yeah,

that's the way Daddy likes it."

Oh, um...

Uh, right, the-the walls are really thin,

uh, between my bedroom and the guest room,

and I-I was watching TV.

Hmm.

So the same show came on again at 1:30

and then again at 4:15?

Huh.

Weird.

Can I ask you something?

Mm-hmm.

What is wrong with Daddy?

He's lonely, okay?

Can you just let it go?

I should ask you the same question.

What are you doing?

Well, since Berta is incapacitated,

I have taken the initiative to design and build a chore wheel.

What is a chore wheel?

It is a wheel with a variety of chores on the outside

and names on the inside.

I got the idea from my brother Charlie,

who had a whore wheel.

The only name on it is "Walden."

Ah, that's because it was my chore to make the chore wheel.

And your first chore

is...

"cleaning Alan's room."

Ooh.

That's gonna be tough after last night.

Maybe you should have Daddy do it.

Whoa, somebody found my stash.

Wasn't hard. It was right here in this box

that says "Not Pot."

Very clever.

I didn't want anybody to find my pot.

I was about to write, uh,

"This Box Contains Poisonous Jumping Bugs,"

but then I thought, "What if this magic marker

"is actually magic and it turns my pot

into poisonous jumping bugs?"

I was really high.

Uh, you know, I-I really don't think it's a good idea

to mix marijuana with muscle relaxers.

Oh, those pills are long gone.

What? You had a good two weeks' worth.

Or a great one night's worth.

Oh, bacon.

You guys take such good care of me.

That's because you take good care of us.

That's because I love you guys.

I love you more. Shh!

How's your back feeling?

Actually, a lot better.

I think I'm ready to go back to work.

Oh, really? So you can get up?

Absolutely.

Am I up?

No.

Damn.

How 'bout now?

Yep, looking good.

Told you.

Hey! Bacon!

Why do these have windows?

I don't need to see inside.

I trust 'em to wash and dry the clothes.

You know, when you think about it,

a lot of appliances have windows.

Ovens,

microwaves.

Wait a minute. Are we watching them or are they watching us?

Got a little contact high in there with Berta,