How I Met Your Mother

Oh, God, what was her name?

it's been 23 years,

I can't remember all this stuff.

For the sake of the story, let's call her...

Everyone, this is Blahblah.

Please, call me Blah.

So, Blah, how did you two meet?

Well, I was taking this cooking class,

French Fusion, and everyone already had a partner,

but then I looked up and across a crowded room,

I saw Ted.

It was magical.

It was so magical.

Except it wasn't.

She's going to tell some bogus story about a cooking class

because she's embarrassed we met online.

- Ai Chihuahua! - What?

What? There's no stigma anymore.

Oh, there's a stigma.

That's why people always say, "There's no stigma anymore. "

So, she's hot?

Oh, she's gorgeous.

Then she's crazy.

No, she's not.

Ted, the only hot girls that troll the Internet

for dudes are crazy, hookers, or dudes.

Okay, she's not crazy.

She's not a hooker. She's not a dude.

There's this guy I pass on my way to work every day

who's all three-- scares the crap out of me.

There is no way she is above the line

on the Hot/Crazy scale.

She's not even on the Hot/Crazy scale.

She's just hot.

Wait. "Hot/Crazy scale"?

Let me illustrate.

A girl is allowed to be crazy

as long as she is equally hot.

Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot.

If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot.

You want a girl to be above this line,

also known as the Vickie Mendoza Diagonal.

This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line.

She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds.

She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job.

I should give her a call.

Okay, so please,

just play along with her fake story.

We met in a cooking class.

I don't know, Ted.

I don't know if I can just play along

with your crazy girlfriend's fake story.

Now, if you had said fake breasts...

She's not crazy.

Okay. We'll see.

Long story short, thank goodness I'm such a bad cook,

or I never would have met Ted.

Oh, crazy how cute that is.

It's crazy.

You know who else has a really cute story of how they met?

Marshal and Lily.

You guys should tell that story, right now.

Yeah.

All right. But spoiler alert.

It ends with everyone saying, "Aw!"

Aw.

Starts with it, too.

When you've been a couple as long as Marshal and Lily,

telling the how-we-met story becomes a choreographed dance.

It was late August, 1996.

Lily and I were both freshman moving into...

- Hewitt Hall. - Hewitt Hall.

And she needed some help setting up her stereo.

For some unknown reason, I felt drawn to room 110.

As if she knew

that someone very special was behind that door.

And as fate would have it that someone was Marshall.

- It was love at first sight. - It was love at first sight.

- Hi. - Hi.

Aw...

I know, right?

Now, they perfected that story over hundreds of tellings.

The first time Marshall told it to me,

it was a little different.

Dude, this black-haired Goth chick stopped by today.

Want to tap it.

You guys are so lucky.

You know, when Ted and I were cooking

and our hands touched for the first time,

I knew right then that after class

he would take me up on the roof, kiss me and give me a rose.

Which he did!

Say, "Aw. "

- Aw. - Aw.

I know, right?

I'll get the next round, okay, guys?

Anybody would be stressed out meeting new people.

She's not crazy.

Crazy-generous maybe, buying us drinks.

Shut up.

So we know how Marshall and Lily met

Robin, how did you and Barney meet?

No...

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

No. No. Barney and I are not together. No. No.

Really? 16 no's? Really?

So you're...

single?

Yeah.

Oh. So, pretty and single and friends with Ted.

Great.

You know who else is friends with Ted?

Marshall.

How did we meet?

It was a good story.

I'm going to tell it, right now.

Uh, it was the first day of college.

Kids, to understand this story, you need to know

that your Uncle Marshall was doing something

that lots of college kids do.

How do I say this?

He was, uh... let's say, eating a sandwich.

Dude, I heard the dean is coming.

Put out your sandwich.

Hey.

Good afternoon, sir.

I'm Marshall Erickson.

"Sir"? No, please, just call me Ted.

Okay, Dean Ted.

Whoa...

Someone's been eating a sandwich.

What? No. Really?

I don't know 'cause I don't even know what sandwiches smell like.

My parents are going to donate a lot of money to this school.

So you're bottom bunk; that's cool.

I wanted the top bunk anyway.

What do you mean?

I'm you're new roommate.

So unfair.

I didn't realize Ted wasn't the dean

until later that night.

You're not the dean.

College-- good times.

Oh, I get it. Ted told you I didn't go to college,

so now you're giving me a cute, little backhanded slap.

Oh, here we go.

Well, while you were busy majoring in being freakin' beautiful,

I was starting my own line of handbags.

Your own line of handbags?

That's crazy.

These have sold in Japan.

Robin, have you ever sold anything in Japan?

Uh, no. But I would love to buy one of them, if...

Where can I get one?

I don't have a distributor here yet,

but than for rubbing that in.

Why are you trying to undermine me in front of Ted?

Look, there's nothing going on between me and Ted.

Wow, that just... came out of nowhere.

No, I'm just saying that you have nothing to worry about.

I wasn't worried. Are you saying I should be?

No, I'm saying that you shouldn't be.

Oh, good, 'cause I'm not.

Now, Robin, can you just let it go?

You're making all of us really uncomfortable.

You know what else is a good story?

How Barney and I met.

Barney, tell that story, right now, please.

Okay, Ted. This is a crazy story.

You're going to love it.

Tonight's the first time

I'm taking my deaf brother out since our mom died.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

No, that's okay.

I have to take care of him now.

Of course, I have had to put my dreams on hold

in order to do it, but...

I'm happy to.

He's my brother and I love him.

I'm sorry, it's all still so fresh.

Well, man, I'm, uh... I'm really sorry.

Wow, you bought that?

What?

I just made that up in mid-pee.

If it worked on you, it's definitely going to work

on the blonde chick at the end of the bar.

Unless you're a total idiot. What's your name?

Ted.

Are you a total idiot, Ted?

Well, I'm still having this conversation, so...

Well played.

I like you, Ted.

Ted, I'm going to teach you how to live.

Barney. We met at the urinal.

Oh, right. Hi.

Lesson one: Lose the goatee; it doesn't go with your suit.

I'm not wearing a suit.

Lesson two: Get a suit.

Suits are cool-- Exhibit A.