Mandy

Ey, Lola, some dickhead's gone and bred a strain of giant bees.

I'll bet it was a man.

Of course it was a man!

Women haven't got time to breed a strain of giant bees.

We're too busy.

Did you hear about the Banksy?

The what?

Banksy. The artist.

He has done another very clever satirical painting

on the side of the library.

What do they look like?

Well, he'll do things like two policemen kissing

or a very big mouse holding a balloon.

Very clever.

Everyone is talking about it.

I hope he does another one on the front of the salon.

They will bring so much money to the area.

How?

Well, hopefully, when people visit to see the Banksy,

they will come in and get some acrylic tips put on -

-make a day of it. -Oh, right.

Might go and see it.

-See if I can squeeze it in before the Jobcentre. -Mm-hm.

Fool's Gold by The Stone Roses

Hey, Lee!

Lee!

Sorry, Mandy. Noise-cancelling.

-Where are you off to? -Going to go and look at a painting.

That doesn't sound like you.

No, well, I'm at a bit of a loose end.

-Not working, then? -I'm not good at anything.

-What are you up to? -This and that.

I've got to go away for a while tomorrow.

-Oh, what, holiday is it? -Sort of.

The thing is, I've got no-one to water me plants.

-You wouldn't be up for doing it? -Oh, I don't know.

All's you got to do is let yourself in

and water the plants.

Hang out, watch TV while you're there.

I've got a big screen.

-How big? -65 inch. 4K.

I'll do it.

And there'd be a few quid in it for you.

-Sounds right up my street. -Great.

Come back to mine, I'll give you the spare key.

Forget the painting.

-But I've never seen a Banky. -I have.

Essentially, they all look the fucking same.

Here you go.

I'll leave some instructions in the hall.

The main thing is,

DON'T LET THEM DIE!

Or we'll both be in a lot of trouble.

What sort of trouble?

Oh, nothing. Forget about it.

But DON'T LET THEM DIE.

Here you go.

Ta. Have a nice holiday, Lee, I'll see you soon.

Cheers, Mandy. I will.

Er, I'll text you when I'm coming back, yeah?

-Yeah. See ya. -All right.

OK, here we are.

Have you ever worked in a fish and chip shop before?

No.

Well,

they say - no experience required, they'll train you up on the job.

Mm, lucky old me.

Shall I give them a ring?

-Do what you like. -Oh, my G...

I'll give them a ring, then. Honestly, your attitude...

...absolutely stinks.

Oh, hi. Is that Le Chippery?

Oh. No, I don't want to order anything.

No, no. God, no.

No, I'm just... I'm calling from the Jobcentre.

Yeah, I've got someone here who is

extremely interested in your trainee position.

Oh. OK! Great!

Um, yeah, no problem.

Fantastic! I'll pass it on.

Well, Mandy, it's your lucky day.

They're absolutely desperate.

They say you don't need to interview for the position.

You just turn up tonight at 6pm.

OK? It's minimum wage,

but you do get all the green chips you can eat.

Mm-hm. I thought you'd like that.

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

SHE READS ALOUD

Bloody hell, he likes it hot in here.

He must have forgotten to turn the thermostat off.

Zoo Be Zoo Be Zoo by Sophia Loren

Fuck me,

he loves his plants.

Naked In The Rain by Blue Pearl

SHE COUGHS

Uh...

Turn that down.

Save him a fortune.

JINGLE PLAYS

- Let's see how the Red team is doing.

Sue and Jeff think this toasting fork...

They'll never get 60 quid for...

...for that lamp!

SHE CHUCKLES

Look at the fucking state of it!

SHE SIGHS SOFTLY

It's back to the drawing board for the Red team,

which they think will net them a tasty £300.

Pointless Theme Tune

Thank you very much. Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong,

and welcome to Pointless.

Pointless?! How long have I been asleep for?

Oh, fuck me, I'm late.

-Are you from Jobcentre? -Yeah.

-You are late! -I know, sorry, I fell asleep.

You work in chip shop before?

No, but I've spent a lot of time in them.

You know? And sometimes, if I can't afford chips,

I'll just come in and look at the saveloys under the hot lamp.

This is for you.

Oh, you fucking...!

This is your first and ONLY training session.

Pay attention!

You do chips. I do fish.

Chips easy.

Fish hard.

I - do fish. Understand?

Yeah, yeah, I understand.

See this?

-Chips. -Chips.

See this?

-Hot fat. -Hot fat.

200 degrees. Put chips in.

Wait!

-Take chips out. -Take chips out.

Easy.

You think even YOU can do it?

Yeah, yeah, I think so. Yeah.

I do fish. MUCH harder.

Very skilled job.

This fish batter...

- Do not touch! -Agh!

-Oh...! -You good at chips,