Guarding Tess

Breakfast!

I'm going.

I thought I'd say good-bye.

Gentlemen, again, all the best. Take good care.

Good luck and good-bye.

It's been fun.

Here you go, sir. Ah.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I'm here to see the director of the Secret Service. Okay, thanks.

Is there any place where I could put my bags?

Yeah, take them right through there.

Thank you. Okay.

Congratulations, Doug. You've done a terrific job on a tough detail.

Thank you, sir. It wasn't that tough actually.

Summersville, Ohio, is not exactly the center of the universe,

but it's a nice, quiet, little place.

Guarding Mrs. Carlisle did give me the time

to pick up more hours towards my master's. Oh, great.

Now I am hoping for a little more active assignment, maybe back in the White House.

Uh-huh. Or a criminal assignment out of New York or LA.

Sure. Why don't we sit over here.

Yes, sir.

Joan?

Yes, sir? Can we have some coffee, please?

Certainly. Just a moment. Thanks.

How is she these days? What's she like?

Well, there's the public person who's, you know, adored.

Then there's the private person who can, at times, be pretty difficult to deal with

if you don't know how to handle the situation.

And you did. As well as anybody, I suppose.

I don't envy my replacement, I'll tell you that.

On the other hand, I was in her husband's White House, and I saw her in better times.

She has her good days and her bad days now.

I guess you could say she's

several different personalities in one, like many people.

One of her personalities called the White House last night

and asked the president if he could arrange for you to stay on with her for another tour.

The president?

I can't go back there.

I can't do three more years there.

I can't do three more minutes there.

It's-- It's... I mean, it's...

The worst assignment there is in the service.

Then we've got a problem,

because the president is asking you to return to Mrs. Carlisle

as a personal favor to him.

What if I say no?

I'll call him and tell him, um, you said no.

Why don't you take a moment to think it over? I'll check on the coffee.

In New Jersey, ice kept three dolphins trapped

in an inland waterway Wednesday,

frustrating rescuers efforts to free the animals...

Who's got the Columbus paper?

Just checking my horoscope.

Frederick, I've told you a thousand times,

she can tell if someone's read it before her. Sorry.

(NEWSCASTER CONTINUES CHATTERING)

Morning, Doug. What are you doing here? Morning.

Long story.

Everything okay in Washington, Doug? Yeah.

Just back to pick up your accoutrement?

Speak English, Fred.

Just back to pick up your shit?

No smoking, Earl.

Why can't I smoke? She never comes down here.

Doesn't matter. It's a rule.

Frankly, Douglas, I am shocked to see you back here. Are ya?

I thought you'd be guarding Jackie O. by now,

standing outside the Russian Tea Room for hours in the freezing snow,

when she was inside having one of those little cakes and chatting to her friends.

Here, Frederick.

I'll do it this morning, Fred. Thank you.

Good morning.

Breakfast!

Come in.

Douglas, darling?

Yes, ma'am?

You seem to have dropped some of my things on the floor.

Would you be kind enough to pick them up for me? Yes, ma'am.

That's a good boy.

Do I still have any influence in that evil, little town or have they forgotten me?

Ma'am, with all due respect, why me?

Why? Because I like you.

My feelings are hurt that anyone would be that anxious to get away from me.

I certainly don't mean to hurt your feelings, Mrs. Carlisle,

but my assignment here is finished and I'd like to get back to Washington.

Washington is a dead-end town, Douglas, career-wise,

unless you're there purely to make money, which I'm sure you wouldn't be.

I'd like to go back, Mrs. Carlisle.

I'm sorry, but I need you here. Mrs. Carlisle?

Yes?

I'd just like you to know that I came back of my own free will.

As an S.A.I.C, I could have refused this assignment, but I didn't.

S.A.I.C.? What is that?

Ma'am, you know very well what that is.

No, I don't. Yes, you do, ma'am.

Don't tell me what I know and what I don't know. That is not your place.

What is a saic?

S.A.I.C. stands for Special Agent In Charge.

Oh, I see, I see. A special agent, are we? And in charge, no less.

My, my, my, my, my.

You rarely meet someone who's a secret agent who's also in charge.

Hmm? And why is he in charge?

Because he's so doggone special.

And you did not come back here of your own free will.

If you had a free will, you'd be miles from here.

I have some very exciting news for you.

I have an inoperable brain tumor.

I have bought you and your men a scud missile launcher.

We are going to the opera in Columbus. Which of those do you think is true?

When?

I would like to drive to Columbus a week from Friday.

Yes, ma'am. May I say, it is good to see you getting out again.

Is it? Yes, ma'am.

Thank you, Douglas. That's very patronizing of you.

I suppose you couldn't care less about opera.

No, ma'am. I couldn't. Of course not.

You're a typical, red-blooded American male.

You'd probably rather watch reruns of Mister E on television,

now wouldn't you, Doug?

Tell me...

If you had to choose between opera and Mister Ed?

I'd choose Mister Ed. In a second.

Oh, you're so honest. Yes, ma'am. I try to be.

Good for you, Agent Dougie.

Now put my rosebud on the tray and get out.

As you can see, I'm extremely busy.

Yes, ma'am.

I expect him any minute. I'll tell him as soon as he comes in. All right.

Good-bye.

Hi. She wants to see you. Hi.

Oh, come on. I was just up there!

She called the president to demand I pull another tour. How do you like that shit?

Why? Because she likes me.

Oh, you don't think that's the reason?

I don't know. Who knows with her?

She didn't say anything about liking me, did she?

It doesn't have anything to do with like.

She doesn't want a new guy coming in here,

shaking things up, trying to get things running right.

She's got me broken in. She'll never let me go.

Doug. Now my master calls again.

Check this out! We now go to Helen Grace.

Yes, Peter, in the city of Agua Dulce, when automatic weapon fire broke out

shortly after 2:30 local time, the president was immediately

hustled from the scene and secret service...

See those special tactics guys?

They're everywhere. Yeah, yeah.

...applauded the American leader repeatedly.

The men with the guns,

are they United States Secret Service agents?

Doug, she says it's important.

Tell her I'm busy. I'll be there in 15 minutes.

He'll be there in 15 minutes.

Mrs. Carlisle? You should go up.

Does she want chocolate? Some goddamn fruit drink?

Are we a bunch of waiters? We want to be down there!

I got it!

I'm coming!

I can't do three more years of this.

I told you never to bring a gun in this room.

Now, get it out. Yes, ma'am.

How dare you bring a gun in here!

Sorry, Mrs. Carlisle. That's all right, Joseph.

Mrs. Carlisle, that emergency alarm is to be used only...

It's mine and I will use it any time I see fit.

I think it bothers the neighbors. Sorry.

What is it you want, ma'am?

I want to play golf.

What?

Golf. It's a game.

My husband and I used to play it. Do you remember that?

Mrs. Carlisle, it's 38 degrees outside.

Thank you, Tom. Could you have the car ready in half an hour?

Yes, ma'am. Thank you.

Now, go on, go on. Shoo, shoo.

Go on!

Kimberly.

Kimberly!

Would you mind not standing there?

No, not there. Go over there where I can see where you are.

Didn't you guard Ford or Agnew or those people? No, ma'am.

All they ever did was play golf. Yes, ma'am.

Which was a real blessing for the country. Yes, ma'am.

No, I was too young.

What?

I was too young to serve Ford or Agnew.

Get back in the cart! Get in the cart!

Yes, ma'am.

What is this all about?

She sits up in her room for five years, and now we've got golf.

And opera. And opera.

What's next? Synchronized swimming.

Why are you making noise? We're trying to putt.

Sorry, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am.

Why don't you at least make yourselves useful?

One of you come and hold the pin.

Yes, ma'am.

Putt!

Would you be kind enough to get my first ball, please, Doug?