In Living Color

Clarence Thomas, you werejust elected...

the newestjustice of the Supreme Court.

What are you gonna do now?

I'm going to Girlie World.

Who put this hair in my cola?

Come on!

Girlie World. Where dreams come true.

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - What?

Nobody could hit like Willie Mays.

Anybody who don't agree should be shot and spit on.

Hey, no argument from me on that one.

- Hey, baby! - Whoa!

- Will you look at that? - Whoo-hoo!

Oh, there oughta be a law.

Looks like she's got Gary Coleman and Webster up under there.

Uh-oh. Hide the jewels, look who's comin'.

- If it ain't a couple of pretty boys. - Hey, sissies.

- Pantywaists. - Pop-Tarts.

Yeah, they probably hang out where all of those twinkies do, down there on York Street.

Probably drink in that sissy bar on the corner ofThird and York.

- What do they call that place? - The Blue Parrot.

Right. The Blue Parrot. Apple turnovers.

Yeah, I bet they're in there every night.

Sucking down one of them special drinks they make in that place.

- What do they call 'em? - Slow Bun Fizz.

- Right. The Slow Bun Fizz. - Slow Bun Fizz, yeah.

- Cinnamon swirls. - Cream puffs.

Probably can't wait to get to that big jukebox they got in the corner there...

- and play Bette Midler songs. - Or-Or, "It's Raining Men."

- - That's G-32.

- G-35. - Oh, yeah. G-35.

Then they all head back into that secret room they got back there.

Oh, yeah, but you can't get in unless you know the password.

Pop goes the weasel.

- Peanut butter cups. - Peach cobblers.

And you know they're gonna hit on Todd the bartender.

- Who? - Todd. You know, Todd?

The guy who teases you with those piercing blue eyes...

his pouting, soft lips.

Yeah, with that Tom Selleck mustache that just melts ya dead in your tracks.

- Weed whackers! - Cheese doodles!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Who in the hell you guys yelling at?

Aw, a couple of show tune lovers walked by.

Oh, yeah, like those fruitcakes that hang out at the Blue Parrot.

- Yeah, you know the place? - Yeah, sure. My roommate Todd works there.

Yeah, um, I'm sorry about eating here...

but, I mean, if we're going to that hotel later on, this is all I can afford.

Oh, Bobby, it doesn't matter where we eat, as long as we're together.

- Nothing could ruin this night. - Prince got a hairy booty.

Yo-ho-ho. Welcome to Snack 'N Shack.

Tonight's our new pirate theme. Don't you two look nice.

- Pork fried rice. Pick it up. - Is that a real parrot?

Oh, no, baby. I used to have a real one up there...

but it kept pecking at the bugs in my hair.

Chocolate éclair. Pick it up.

- Uh, maybe we should just go to the hotel now. - No. No.

- We've already waited so long. Let's have a romantic dinner. - You're right.

Ahoy, mateys. Make way for Long John Minimum Wage.

Somehow it's always my turn to swab the deck.

Ain't got no more Wheat Chex. Don't mean no disrespect. What the heck, got chicken necks.

- Pick it up. - Since Mama's babies look so much like my grandchildren...

I'm gonna give you some of Luther's free clam chowder.

Thanks, but, do you have a catch of the day?

Oh, no. We don't have a catch of the day.

But last week, two customers caught hepatitis.

My left titty nipple got an eye on it.

- I can feel those magic fingers now. Let's go. - Oh, Bobby.

Y'all better sit on back down. Mama's gonna spank you.

Sit down. I'll pull your pants and spank you.

Now, what's Mama's little swashbucklers gonna have?

Uh, well, let's try some oysters on the half shell.

- Oysters on the half shell. - Oysters on the half shell.

Whose feet smell? Kick 'em out.

- Why don't y'all try the special, the lobster? - Lobster sounds nice.

Oh, it is nice, baby. We even let you pick it out yourself.

- Don't we, Frances? - Aye, matey.

But don't take the one on my big toe. He's still working on my bunion.

Liver and onions. Pick it up.

Damn, lady. I'd rather eat a two-day-old, moldy taco than eat that.

Oh, bless your heart, baby. How come you didn't just say so?

- Aw, man. - There you go. You want some hot sauce on that?

- Oh, my God. - Cod. Pick it up.

What's this in the chowder?

Ooh, good googa-mooga. Look like you done found the pirate's treasure.

- Frances. - Lucky day. That's Luther's glass eye.

We ain't got no more peach pie. Hey, what the hell?

Let's go. I am ready to get out of here. Let's go to the hotel now.

I can't. I gotta go home and throw up.

- All right. It's your loss. - Two all-beef patties, special sauce.

I don't know why, but suddenly I'm hungry for McDonald's.

Great, you have it your way, then later I'll have it mine.

I got a boil look just like Elvis.

Who said I can't move my pelvis?

Excuse me, what are your specials?

Today's specials are, uh, meat loaf with mash potatoes and brown gravy.

- Whitefish with tater tots and navy bean soup. - Thanks.

- No problem, hon. - Hey, you have any ketchup?

- Absolutely. - How do I get to the bathroom?

Here's what you wanna do. You go down the hall, past the telephone booth on your right...

- it's on your left-hand side, you can't miss it. - Thanks.

Lizzy, I need a 12-letter Latin phrase for "I came, I saw, I conquered."

Huh. Try "Veni, Vidi, Vici." That oughta work.

Excuse me. What's the proper penance for stealing?

- That's two "Our Fathers" and a "Hail Mary." -

Hey, Lizzy, here's one.

This man, along with Michael "Wonder Mike" Wright and Guy "Master Gee" O'Brien...

made up the original Sugarhill Gang.

Oh. Who is Henry "Big Bang Hank"Jackson?

- She's right again. - This is impossible.

Aw, give me that. There you go, hon.

- Did you see that? - Lizzy, this physics is driving me crazy.

Do you know what the conservation of energy law is?

What, do I look like a rocket scientist?

- I just figured, you know... - No, I'm just kidding.

Try one half mass times velocity squared equals mass times gravity times height.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

As much wood as a woodchuck could if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

- Huh. - When is a horse not a horse?

- When he's the famous Mr. Ed. - Hey, can you do the Running Man?

- Absolutely. - Go, Lizzy. Go, Lizzy.

- Go Lizzy. Whoo.! -

All right. I'm thinking of a number between one and 1,000.

- Hey, are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing? -

I got ya. Okay, I think that's 56. Why, yes, they are.

And, uh...

All right, everybody. Freeze!

I want you to take all your money, put in on the table...

or I'm gonna bust a cap in this old, white heifer's behind.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You're not gonna shoot anybody.

- Bull... - No, you're not going to shoot anybody.

You think I'm kidding? This ain't no joke, baby.

Look at the way his hand is shaking.