Vice Principals

Come tomorrow,

you will be principal of North Jackson High School...

for a day.

Lee and I have some issues to discuss.

I'm getting bombed with complaints

from frustrated teachers.

Gamby, what are you doing?

I'm giving the drama teacher a glass of water--

Actually, can I have a San Pellegrino? My stomach--

Stay the hell away from Amanda Snodgrass.

I'm helping Amanda with her novel.

Brian's gonna promise you the world

if he thinks he can... unzip your blouse

and slip-n-slide his privates all over your lips.

Be a good man. Don't tell anymore lies.

I'm not that kinda person anymore, Mom.

This patient was flatlining. Just dead.

And it was like this wave washed over me,

and then, everything became so--

You have a little sauce, right-- You maybe need a napkin. This side.

Lee?

Christine?

Oh, my goodness, Kevin Yoon.

Wow, you are as pretty as ever.

Lee, you look good, too. What's it been,

almost 20 years? Yes, must have been.

A long time, a very long time, Kevin.

You look good. Oh...

How have you been?

Oh, good. Uh...

As you know, I had a bit of a rough time in college.

Those, uh, rumors and all.

But after some counseling, I got my life together,

now I run a bank. Mm.

Did you two end up married?

Yes. Happily so.

Christine and I are happily married.

And also really enjoying our dinner, so,

if you don't mind-- I'm just in town for the week, then I have to head back

to the wife and kids in Cincinnati.

Hit me up on Facebook, we'll catch up.

She doesn't have Facebook.

I do have Facebook. You do? Yeah?

You're my friend on Facebook.

You are a lucky man, Lee.

It was so nice seeing you again, Christine.

So nice to see you.

That mongoloid valet scratched my fucking dashboard!

I should go get my tip back. God!

Lee? Yeah?

In college, when Kevin and I were dating,

you said he was gay.

Now he's married with kids?

I don't even remember Kevin all that well.

I didn't-- I didn't say that.

You did say that...

when I told you I loved him.

That's when all those rumors started circulating.

That's when he dumped me and left school.

It broke my heart. Well...

whose shoulder did you come and cry on when you found out?

Mine, that's who.

Did you start those rumors?

Did I do-- No!

God! What makes you think it wasn't true?

Lot of straight guys try dick in college, Christine.

Lucky for us Kevin went through that phase,

or else you and I never would have gotten married.

Hey, come on. Come on. I saved you.

Okay, let's just drop it.

Avril Lavigne!

See, I don't understand why Willows can't be out here doing this?

You know? I gotta do my job and his job?

Solve this goddamn murder?

Attempted murder. Nash...

don't try to lessen what happened to me, okay?

I'm looking for answers here and I'm not finding it,

and it's pissing me off.

Now back up there.

Let me take a crack at your suspects list, huh?

I was a PI in '06, down in Miami.

Did it for about three months to pay off some gambling debt.

I know how to work the streets.

I find that hard to believe.

Oh, ho. Ooh.

What's up, y'all? Making cat's cradles?

No, we're not making cat's cradles.

We're reenacting bullet trajectories.

Gamby knows his shit.

I know he does. He knows my shit, too.

Hey, hey, uh-uh. Stop, that's morbid.

These are deadly bullets, don't put it down in your privates.

Please, I take deadly bullets there real good.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew...

Stop. Give me some bullets.

Pew, pew, pew, pew-- Give me my yarn.

Can I help you with something?

Yeah, I'm just wondering if you're going to Lee's birthday party?

Duh, I'm his best friend. Of course I'm going.

Do you want to, maybe, go together?

Uh, well, bosses and teachers aren't allowed to go to parties together.

It's against school policy.

Is it? Yes, it is, Nash, shut up.

Well, you never thought that before when we... (mouths word)

Well, I made a lot of mistakes last semester

and I'm not trying to remake those mistakes.

Well, if I show up there, will you talk to me?

Yeah, I mean, if there's something to talk about.

Yeah? There will be stuff to talk about.

So, I accept.

And my bullet catcher accepts too.

I'm not really presenting you anything to accept,

so I don't owe you anything.

Yeah, I know you don't. Of course not.

She seems freaking cuckoo beans.

But her body is kind of rockin'.

You could do worse.

I'd fuck her.

Well, then you fuck her.

I got other plans.

Hey, Swift, take a hike.

Uh, actually, we're in the middle of a conversation.

I know, I was just kidding. Come on, lighten up, Swift.

But seriously, could you meander away for a moment?

I just wanted to see...

Oh, yeah. Okay.

I'll tell you how it goes. Okay.

I like her. She's a good egg.

You going to, uh, Lee Russell's birthday bash celebration?

Oof, I don't want to go, to be honest,

but, um, I have a feeling, he's gonna keep count and punish me if I don't.

He will. Mm-hmm.

He's creepy. So, um...

yeah, Brian and I will be there

once he's finished volunteering at the boys rec center.

Volunteering? Yup.

Every Friday and every second Wednesday.

It's amusing how people try so hard sometimes,

but it just comes off as pathetic.

It's not pathetic at all.

He's giving much-needed guidance to kids who have no one else to look up to.

You know, some people work with children on a full-time basis

and they don't feel the need to write a fucking book about it.

He keeps you on a pretty tight leash.

You know he does that because he's insecure

with you being faithful in the relationship.

Oh, no, no. He's, uh... he's very secure.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah. He has nothing to worry about.

Yuck. Don't you have a class to teach or something?

I do. Yeah, go to class.

Yeah. I'll see you at the party.

Eh, maybe you will, maybe you won't.

I mean, if you go to the party, you'll probably see me

because I'm gonna be there.

But it could be super crowded and busy, and if you don't go with the person,

you might not even get to speak with them there, so, you never know.

I will see you, then. Lot of mingling.

Tons of mingling.

Whoo! You want to see a master?

Watch me work the room at my birthday party.

Guess who RSVP'd?

Who? Superintendent Haas.

Oh, congratulations.

The guest list is really shaping up, huh?

Watch my shit. Get it on.

Watch my shit.

Look at my shit. What am I looking at?

Everybody's gonna be at this motherfucker.

You bringing a hot date?

No, I'm not bringing a date.

You need to bring a hot-ass woman.

Show Snodgrass you're over it.

You're supposed to be making her jealous.

That is Relationship 101.

I have a master plan.

She used to have feelings for me.

If I can show her I'm a charitable man,

not just Brian, maybe I can remind her.

You know jackshit about women.

Fuckwads, leave now.

Not you, Tom Cruise.

What do you want?

I want you to be my plus one to Lee Russell's birthday party.

Fuck no.

Well, too bad, it's mandatory, you're going.

And once you're there, you're gonna show everyone

what a positive impact I've had on your life

and how I've made you a better human being.

But you haven't done any of that,

and I don't want to go to your stupid pedo party.

And it's outside of school, too,

so you can't even make me go to that.

What if I paid you $200?

I want 1,000.

Now I know you're smoking DMT.

$320.

No, 700.

You're a whore.

$500. Final offer.