M*A*S*H

‐Give me a Kocher. ‐Vascular clamp.

Vascular clamp.

Which sister was better?

The younger one. She had more experience.

Oh, nertz! I dropped that fragment again.

You'll get it, Doctor.

Try a magnet, Frank.

Or find a patient with bigger fragments.

Steady, people. Metzenbaum scissors.

‐Metz. ‐We're here to help each other.

‐Want a hand, Frank? ‐Aw, leave him alone.

He's just doing a premature autopsy.

All right, you close. It's your turn.

It's not my turn, but I'll do it.

Skin sutures. Pickups.

Oh, no, not another one.

What have you got?

He can't be more than five‐years‐old.

I've got a five‐year‐old back home.

Well, don't send her to camp in Korea.

I'll need a gown and gloves.

Look at that. Our fearless leader.

Asleep or comatose from the food?

Exhausted. Thirty hours in O. R.

That'll keep the tourists away. Good night, sweet prince.

You mind if we play through? Thank you.

How many in your party?

Now, that's a pregnancy craving if I ever saw one.

You can tell us, Radar. Which girl was it?

Somebody ought to do something about this.

Call Graves Registration.

I notice those guys don't eat here.

He could ruin the garbage disposal industry.

Great wrist action.

Hey, we'll take our check now, miss.

Sorry. It's not my table.

Hey, you know anything about that boy we operated on?

Just another wounded kid, I guess.

How's he doin'?

Okay. I took a little shrapnel out of his side.

Superficial. He'll be up and around two, three days.

Anybody know anything about his family?

I know if my two girls were missing, I'd be out of my head.

Maybe his folks are missing, too.

Well, let's check up on it, all right?

Call Seoul, the Red Cross, the MPs.

Try the local villages around here. You never know.

Okay, I'll get on it as soon as I finish eating lunch.

That could be in two weeks.

Or three, if he has dessert.

Look, I'm eating as fast as I can.

Well, do this fast, and you'll find

a little something in your pencil box.

A teeny, tiny little nurse all your own.

Honestly, you guys are embarrassing!

Just imagine if he made love as good as he eats.

No woman in the world would be safe.

Scalpel.

"Margo smiled at me

"and a chorus of 500 angels sang

"'You Made Me Love You, I Didn't Want To Do It'

"the Cole Porter arrangement.

"And then she came close

"and I could smell her perfume.

"It made me want to leave my wife and children,

"and I'm not even married.

"'Hi, gorgeous,' I said.

"Then somebody hit me with a piano

and the floor came up and smothered me."

That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.

‐Hi, gorgeous. ‐Reading smut to a child. That's terrible!

This isn't smut. It's a perfectly good little story about life in everyday America.

Anyway, the kid can't understand English.

Uh, that's the Bad Fairy, and she's the Wicked Witch.

Where were we? Oh, yeah, Margo just came into the room.

You're disturbing the other patients, Pierce.

You guys want me to stop?

No!

Step down. Next case.

‐Okay, now... ‐How's he doing?

He was doing great until the House Mother

and Dr. Clean‐Cut got here.

You should hear what he's reading to this child.

Perfectly acceptable smut.

Don't you pay any attention to them.

See what Uncle Trapper brought you?

Huh? Some nice anchovy paste...

and a bottle of pickled onions.

I forbid you to give him those things.

No booze? A bubble‐and‐opium pipe?

Oh, this stuff is all right for him.

Did you hear me, McIntyre?

‐Take a walk, Major. ‐Take a major walk.

Somebody has to protect this child.

‐And that's you? ‐I am a woman.

‐Is that true, Frank? ‐I always like a second opinion.

We don't need any of your smart‐aleck remarks.

Oh, horsefeathers to you.

I'm ordering you two degenerates

to leave this child alone.

Frank, how would you like your lip

to donate a pint of blood?

What's going on here?

‐Now hold it! ‐FRANK: May I say something?

No.

This is a hospital. You're doctors.

You ought to behave like doctors.

So, unless you've got work to do here, out!

Vamoose!

Henry, someone has to protect this child.

‐Don't worry about it. ‐I'll finish the story later, Kim.

‐You will not finish it. ‐Eat those onions one at a time.

You want smut? I'll give you smut.

Do you realize what you're going to do to that child's‐‐

A little occupational therapy?

‐It's for the kid. ‐You're very talented.

It looks like a pregnant bagpipe.

Do bagpipes get pregnant?

Of course they do.

Right after they make those funny sounds.

He really reaches you, huh?

He may just be the cutest kid I've ever seen in my life.

‐Mind if I come in? ‐You're a little in to be asking.

Hey, that's beautiful. What is that?

That's one of the new fall line of cows' udders.

It's for the kid. What'd you find out about him?

Oh, nothing. I drew an absolute blank.

What do you mean "nothin'?"

He had to live somewhere.

Well, wherever it is, it ain't no more,

and whoever was there, they ain't either anymore.

‐That's impossible. ‐That's right, people don't just disappear.

What, in a war?

Well, we gotta find out something about him.

What do we do?

Colonel Blake is doing it right now.

Let me start again, Sister.

Uh, a little boy came in, just cute as a bug's ear,

about five years old.

And he was wounded.

And we can't keep him here.

Uh, well, I agree with you there.

This is no place for a child.

I wouldn't be here myself if it wasn't for the war.

What's that?

Uh, no, we can't locate the, uh, folks

or‐or the village.

Yeah, so I think he'd be a lot better off

in your hands.

Oh, I‐I'd say he'd be up in another few days or so,

and then I'd like very much to, uh...

‐Henry! ‐Oh...

We wanna talk to you, Henry.

Look, then, I‐I'll hand him over,

say, uh, first of the week.

Right.

Okay, and see you in church.

Well, not really. Bye, Sister.

Henry, what are you doing?

Oh, uh, I'm playing with my doll, Pierce.

Getting a head start on senility?

Henry, Radar tells us that you're gonna send the kid to the orphanage.

Hey, Radar, I thought you were working for me.

Uh, oh, they got it out of me.

How?

Uh, by listening.

‐Is it true? ‐About the orphanage?

Look, I've got no choice.

This is a hospital. We can't take care of a child.

I never saw you as a villain before, Henry.

I am not a villain.

I do not tie girls to buzz saws

and I don't throw banana peels

in front of the old folks' home.

No, you just put five‐year‐olds in orphanages.

Get off my back.

Henry, look, let us make him our responsibility.

Yeah, right! We'll take care of him.

Boy that is rich.

You guys are barely housebroken yourselves.

Look, you're just gonna have to leave it with me.

Radar, I am disappointed.

Oh, yes, sir.

Watch it. He'll send you to an orphanage.

I've seen a side of you I never saw before.

Well, never mind my sides, McIntyre.

Look, you think I want to send this little fella away?

I've got two kids of my own.

I'm a former child myself.

‐It's cruel, Henry. ‐What isn't around here?

Look, if you guys have got something better

than Sister Theresa's, I'm all ears.

Figured.

(voice over): "At first I thought it was the war

"and this stinking place that made me...

"...well, love him, I guess.

"But now I know it's more than that.

"The reasons aren't important.

"We think his parents are dead.

"Henry Blake wants to send him to an orphanage.